Monday, June 25, 2007

Baby Geniuses Chap My Ass.

Seriously, what the eff, people. You get a little age on you and feel like you might be pretty competent with this life thing and then some dang toddler comes along and ruins everything. I tried to take a Mensa test online and it was all math and logic! It's totally unfair because I don't think IQ should necessarily be based on number games. Some of the best number-games-solvers can't hard boil an egg, so what really makes someone a genius? Some of us average IQ folks suck at numbers but that doesn't make us dumb. Stupid numbers (and genius toddlers) ruin everything. Everything! Plus, since when is being a Mensa member something to brag about? Well la di frickin da, you're good at logic puzzles, slap a genius gold star on you! Not that I'm bitter, but dang. I should also add that the Mensa "fun" test I tried to do online included this as a question:

2. If two typists can type two pages in two minutes, how many typists will it take to type 18 pages in six minutes?


(Note: if you solve this question and snidely post the answer in my comments you are dead to me and all your future comments will be mocked. Or I'll just ban you. Please don't test me on this because I just want to make fun of the question, is that okay? I DO NOT WANT THE STUPID ANSWER.)

Another thing thing that is bugging the crap out of me: is there some kind of evil underground organization that exists solely to make sure that horrible drivers are all up in my business no matter where I am, but specifically when I'm driving to work, especially if I'm running late? This morning there was a white van ahead of me driving alternately sloooowly and then speeding up with occasional forays into the other lane. Every now and then he would slow down to a near stop for no reason at all. I was ready to burst through my windshield and strangle him with my very own bare hands. I did shake my fist at him when I was finally able to pass because what the ass, dude. It's a complete conspiracy and I want it to end.

Clearly, I'm in a mood.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Oh, I have a PROBLEM alright.

Hi kids. Sorry I've been so slack in updating but if you really want something to read, go check out the race report on my bike blog. Here's a spoiler:

I know, I'm such a dork.

So, last week was all bikebikebike and now that the race is over I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. One little story that came out of the race (a story I didn't include in my 900 page race report manifesto) was that I swear my My Precious Studio wings necklace made me go faster. I was really nervous that morning and decided right before we left that I needed a little race mojo. I slapped on my little wings necklace and was good to go. The wings work, people. They are awesome and I wish I had taken a picture of them so you could see. But I don't because I'm a sucky blog-person. You will just have to imagine what it looks like (hint: it looks like wings).

I finally started going back to the gym this week (funny! It has ceilings and no spiderwebs) and took my usual weights class which was way more painful than usual because my muscles all have ADD. I was, embarrassingly, only able to do ONE tricep pushup instead of my usual three. Humiliation!

This one musclehead (w/ a sweet tribal tattoo, natch) who takes the class was all Xterra stamped so after the class I confronted him and demanded to know why he wasn't home recovering. He giggled (lord!) and admitted he couldn't lay off, that he was crazy. He's one of those Seal Team freaks, as it turns out, and after talking to me for 30 seconds was all gung-ho about how I should join a triathlon team next year. I totally should! He didn't seem to understand that when I said I don't run or swim that what I mean was that I don't run or swim. Why don't people ever believe me?

He got all excited about my running problem, and started talking about sports medicine and how I should go get my problem(?) diagnosed. I gave him my firm self-diagnoses on running: it hurts, so I don't do it. Damn, isn't mountain biking enough? Unfazed, he changed his tact and suggested that I try trail hiking because, and I quote, "It will really take the weight off." Oh, really?

Wait, WHAT?

That conversation was so over.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Fanny Pack 4EVA.

Of crafts shows and fanny packs.

It never fails to shock me, really. I mean, what is wrong with a shoulder bag? Or a pocket? Or...anything to hold your stuff that doesn't involve adding bulk around your middle, which, lets face it, is not the body part that most Americans should be emphasizing. Every single craft show we do, I see fanny packs like you wouldn't believe. I can't even understand where they are coming from. Where do you even purchase such a thing? Though, come to think of it, I did forcibly remove one from my mother's suitcase before her last vacation and she's had that puppy since the 80's. She has bags! She has purses and back packs and pockets galore. Why would she want to strap something that ugly around her middle? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND, America. Oh, and don't even get me started on the high end fanny pack, Gucci and whatnot. It is what it is, if you pay $5 or $500.

The two worst offenders last Saturday:

- an attractive woman wearing a cute summery sun dress and sandals, all of which was ruined by the giant black lump strapped across her middle.

- an older man wearing shorts, t-shirt, sneakers, a visor and a DISNEY THEMED FANNY PACK. OMG. MY EYES.

Needless to say, it was a shitty show. I don't get it. Our last show we raked it in and we'd done this one before with decent results. I know I was all Up With People about it on the Craft Mafia blog but dude, it stunk. We kind of knew something was up when, early on, I politely invited a browser to try on the necklace she was looking at and she gave me a look (according to Kate) like I'd just told her to lick my ass. Sorry? Just trying to help! Our day was further torturous because a few booths down a guy was selling CDs of himself playing popular tunes on the recorder, which, naturally, he had with him along with a mike and amplifier. I think we heard "How Deep is Your Love" about ten times in the course of the day. I was about to go over and show him how Deep His Recorder Would Fit Down His Throat, but Kate convinced me this might reflect poorly on our business.

In the end, we sold a couple of things and bought a whole lot more than we made because we felt sorry for ourselves and Meg Allen's stuff is so beautiful that we couldn't help ourselves.

So, yeah. We spent many, many hours on Saturday smiling politely and answering questions and not making any money. It's part of the game but it sure does suck when things don't go well. Our next gig is Renegade Brooklyn (as part of the Mafia booth, we ain't actually going which sucks because it looks really frickin cool) and after that a fancy farmer's market in the Northern Neck, so that's sure to go well. Haha. Ha. Uh.

Here's a picture of Kate and I hawking our wares (haw! haw!) at Spring Bada-Bing back in April:

We are pretty cute, no?

Friday, June 8, 2007

Best Week Ever.

It's like a trashy magazine Christmas or something. It's heaven! Maybe I'm cruel and heartless, but this made me laugh out loud. I LOL'ed! I did. Here:

News Services Updated:
less than 1 minute ago

LOS ANGELES - Paris Hilton was taken from a courtroom screaming and crying on Friday after a judge ordered her returned to jail to serve out her entire 45-day sentence for a parole violation in a reckless driving case.

“It’s not right!” shouted the weeping Hilton. “Mom!” she called out to her mother in the audience.

If she wasn't such a stupid brat I might almost feel sorry for her, but damn. I just hate that the minute she went into jail she was working on a way to buck the system. She had so many chances! Shit, even when her license was suspended she certainly has enough money to hire a full time driver, you know? And then she got her sentence reduced AND refused to go to a pay jail but that wasn't enough. She had so many chances to make this suck less and she didn't take them. Suck it up, sister.

Wow, I never thought I'd have this much to say about Paris Hilton.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Wait, Did I Really Just Say "Frak"?

Oh, Paris. I don't think "my hair looks all yucky without extensions" really counts as a medical condition. I'm actually surprised how disappointed I am that they let her out so early. It was like a controlled Spoiled Heiress Experiment, you know? What would come out of that jail after 23 days? How would her insanely stupid world-view have changed? Would she immediately start collecting third world orphans? Now we'll NEVER KNOW. Shit. This ruins everything!

Moving on, can I just say how much I love television? I love it so much. We just started watching Battlestar Galactica and I am completely hooked. It's like Next Generation but without the cheese. We've only watched the pilot miniseries and I am dying to start in on disc two. Palinode once told me that I was clearly a science fiction fan and I hotly denied it. Then I took a look at my list of favorite books and TV shows and I guess I can, um, see where he's coming from. (Sorry, Aidan, you were right.)

And! Season 3 of Rescue Me is out on DVD so I have that to look forward to as well. It's an insanely misogynistic show, but somehow I keep watching it because Denis Leary cracks me up. All of the characters are so unforgiveable and pathetic and I can't...stop...watching.

Finally, Kathy Griffin's My Life on the D List just started it's third season and I am ALL OVER THAT. I love her to pieces and her new standup act is hilarious. What can I say? I love a catty redhead.

In non-televised fun (wha?) I give you my friend Noah's new project: Skull-A-Day in which he makes a new skull out of whatever every single day. I'm impressed so far, I gotta say. I'm also enjoying Mim's Art Blog and can't get enough of the little shelf. Go look at the shelf! It's really a cool random project.

Friday, June 1, 2007

Wrong 'Em Boyo

OMG. WTF. TMNBWCY. Did time just stop? I swear it did. I'm softly weeping right now because I was just introduced to these shoes, the most perfect shoes in the world, I MEAN PERFECT, and I cannot in any way afford them. Behold:

If I had these shoes I'm positive that Johnny Depp (as Captain Jack) would be an important eyeliner-wearing part of my life, you know? I'd feel complete, not to mention completely badass every second they were on my feet. Every second. Fuck.

Okay, since we're on the topic, did anyone watch Pirate Master last night? We tried but wow, what a boatload of douchebags. I think I might be losing my ability to handle reality television because it used to be where the folks on the show were just weirdos who didn't seem to care and now it seems like the ALL CARE A LOT. A LOT LOT. I just...really? I mean, they're on a fake pirate ship pretending to be pirates. Can't they just enjoy the immense stupidity of it and stop trying so hard? I guess not.

After a while, we gave up and instead watched a most excellent rerun of The Daily Show. It was the one with the insanely cute Air Force guy!!!1 Kenny is very patient with me because we already saw it last week, but Hollywood! So cute! If you missed it you can watch it here.

Finally, after flipping around some more, I settled on the Scripps National Spelling Bee because I wasn't feeling stupid enough. Nothing like being shown up by a gawky bunch of 13 year olds to make a girl feel like maybe she could have studied a little harder. It was great, though. Fraught with suspense and zits and braces. I wanted to hug each and every one of those kids just for trying. The kid who won was so fantastically nerdy and could barely hold up the giant trophy on his own. The look of pure incredulity on his face (paired with "damn I'm going to get whaled on for this but it's worth it") was so sweet. Aw.

Have a good weekend, kids.