Amblus

Long Overdue: Stuff I Like!

2011-12-21T08:00:00.000-05:00

I haven't done one of these for a while!

Mumford & Sons: Sigh No More. I know I'm late to the party (as usual) on this but OH MY GOD. I'm completely obsessed. They are similar to the Frames, but better...more...something. With Shakespeare references and a bit of banjo thrown in.

Time and Again by Jack Finney. Have you read it? It's an oldie but damn, it's still really good. If you've never read it please do immediately. It's all pleasure, no angst; Just a good story with a bit of time travel, New York history and really good descriptive passages. I re-read it ever few years just for fun.

I wondered why it hadn't been made into a movie yet and found this NY Times article from 1994. Fascinating! I kind of hope it never gets made into a movie because I love it too much. (Note to Robert Redford: Dude. Even in 1994 you were too old to play Si. I mean, really.)

Speaking of beloved books-to-movies, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo comes out TOMORROW. I am there. So, so excited.

Handmade Ryan Gosling. I know there have been a ton of Ryan Gosling "Hey girl" blogs but I think the handmade one is my absolute favorite. Here's an entry Marianne submitted:

Happy holidays, nerds.

Insomanical

2011-12-13T18:30:00.000-05:00

Insomnia is so ridiculously frustrating. I thought I had it beat but the past three nights have been all about me lying in bed wide awaking waking impatiently to fall. The hell. To sleep. If I do happen to drift off I wake up seconds later with my heart racing, which as you can probably imagine is really super-duper restful. Falling asleep used to be easy! Something I did without thought or concern! But check it:

Saturday night: went to bed at midnight, fell asleep at 4:30am.
Sunday night: went to bed at 11pm, fell asleep at 2am
Monday night: went to bed at 11pm, fell asleep at 1:30am

I'm trying desperately hard not to resort to the sleeping pills again because that really isn't a real solution. And, before you pipe up with your wisdom, I regularly take any combination of the following:

- melatonin
- valerian root
- Benedryl
- chamomile tea
- Gaba
- horse tranquilizers (kidding! Unless you have some?)

Sometimes these works, sometimes they don't. I have no caffeine after 8am. I exercise daily. I eat a healthy diet. I am about to lose my MIND.

Oh, Fine. I'm back.

2011-12-09T15:28:00.001-05:00

In the past month or so I've had several friends make sad whiny noises about how I don't update my bloooooog anymore and how I'm so fuuuuunnnnny and whhhhhhy don't I update? I remind them about the awesomely funny style blog I share with Marianne and they make a face and then I make a face because THAT IS WHERE THE FUNNY IS and you should all be reading it.

But fine. Be that way. You don't have to read the style blog (even though it's FUNNY) if you don't want to even though it would be nice for the support and you'll be sorry when we're blog millionaires like Dooce and we will not let you frolic with us own our own private style blog island. So, just remember that.

Now, where was I? Oh, it was March and I was sick. Again. Since then, lots has happened:

- I spent TONS of money trying to keep my jackass car running.
- I quit the jewelry business.
- I won and lost mountain bike races.
- I went to hang out with Marianne in Knoxville a couple of times.
- I read a lot of books.
- I watched too much TV.
- I joined a bike team. Yay!
- I finally cured my insomnia after being (only slightly) addicted to sleeping pills*
- I did this by cutting out nearly all caffeine
- Which suuuuuucks.
- I whined a lot about how it's not summer anymore.
- I am having something of a mid-life crisis (more on that soon)

So, that's what I didn't post about this year. Any questions?

*OMG sleeping pills, they are amazing, y'all. Seriously. I wish they didn't have the pesky side effect of altering brain chemistry and causing, like, amnesia because they work like CRAZY BALLS.

Just for Posterity.

2011-03-10T13:15:00.000-05:00

If you're ever really, really sick, I have the best "sleep like you've been tranquilized" solution. A shot of NyQuil followed by a tequila chaser. I know this will horrify a few of you, but I'm telling you:

1. The only NyQuil worth taking is the liquid (green, not red). Yes, it tastes like battery acid, but that's because it works.

2. If you're not normally a "shot of tequila" kind of person (I'm not) try drinking a shot of NyQuil first. You will be shocked at how good the tequila tastes in comparison. Like a mouthful of golden nothing followed by a lovely mellow warmth. Trust.

All that said, I bring you the Nighty Night (as dubbed by my friend Marianne):

Model Citizen, Zero Dicipline.

2011-03-07T13:15:00.000-05:00

This morning I tucked myself and all my day's stuff into the car, plugged in my iPod and hit "shuffle all" to see what kind of Monday it was going to be. My iPod picked...Panama by Van Halen.

Me: Really? Are you sure about this?

iPod: DUDE!

Me: Well...okay. If you say so.

iPod: DUUUUUUUUUUUDE!!

And away we went, my iPod being much more optimistic than me. I've been sick though, with tonsillitis and a nasty cold, for well over a week and I'm just now really starting to feel better. The sick cloud started lifting on Saturday, but on Sunday it was rainy and bleak and I didn't sleep well, so I was back to feeling gross and worn out. "Rainy Sunday" sounds like a romantic kind of day but let's be realistic - it sucks. Everything is wet and cold and you are restless inside, but outside things aren't any better.

All the downer talk aside, the weekend ended on a decent note. I made a good dinner and we watched a documentary I'd found randomly on Netflix and knew nothing about: The Parking Lot Movie. I highly recommend it, especially if you've ever worked a job like this, where all your customers are mostly dicks but you really like your co-workers and creativity is encouraged. I mean, I know these guys. I've been these guys! Anyway, watch it. It's worth the hour. (Also, if you're local, the parking lot in the movie is in Charlottesville.)

Weekend Ennui

2011-02-25T18:30:00.001-05:00

It's been one of those weeks that feels like it had an extra couple of Wednesdays in it or something, right? Normally I'd be delighted that it's Friday but I woke up with a sore throat again and I fear it's going to be one of those weekends where the weather is gorgeous and I spend it feeling like crrrrap. Also, Kenny has to work another 12-hour shift tomorrow (and is working one right now) so that kind of sucks too.

Hopefully it's just allergies and my throat will stop feeling like battery acid is being poured down the back. Even a cute outfit can't save it and I'm wearing my goddamn happy dress. WHY.

So, but here's something worthwhile - you know those Girl with the Dragon Tattoo books everyone loves? Believe the hype. I'm halfway through book two and I never want it to end. Also, there's a really sweet shopping passage (I love reading shopping descriptions almost as much as I love reading food descriptions) where the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo outfits her apartment from IKEA. The author actually lists what she bought! I was so geeked out but I wanted to see. And then! I though, INTERNET. Surely someone has already done this work for me? And behold, they have: Lisbeth Salander's IKEA shopping list.

And that is why I love the Internet.

Office Space.

2011-02-16T19:11:00.001-05:00

So I mentioned a few posts ago that I was getting an office all for my own, and I did! I have my own office with a door and two giant windows and it's magical. Everything I ever dreamed it could be. The window next to my desk looks right into a giant magnolia tree so sometimes I catch myself staring out at the merry squirrels with my mouth hanging open like a simpleton. It's just that good.

I will also let the sun burn holes through my retinas in the morning because I really can't imagine drawing the blinds on all that AMAZING NATURAL LIGHT. It's so good! So good. So good, in fact, that I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Is this just a cruel joke? Will I be dragged kicking and screaming back to my grey windowless Blair Witch murder corner? We shall see. Until then, here are some pictures of my view:

Awww, yeah. That is what I'm talking about.

I'm such an asshole.

2011-02-07T14:17:00.002-05:00

Posted on my husband's Facebook page, for him to find when he gets home from work:

Dear Husband,

As I was rushing out of the door this morning I noticed something small and fuzzy by the bench. At first I though it was a toy mouse and then realized it was a mouse mouse. And dead. Or sleeping? Probably dead. I was late and also no way was I going to touch the dead thing, so welcome home! Please can you dispose of the mouse by the door?

Love,
Adrien

How Not to Spend your Evening.

2011-02-02T17:50:00.001-05:00

I had a great day yesterday. Completely stellar, really. It was just one of those magical days where good things happen and you feel really great to be alive. This is usually how you feel right before something totally shitty happens, right? Right.

So, last night around 9pm I let Stella out. It was raining which usually means she'd just hang out on the side porch and demand to come in five minutes later. Two seconds after I let her out I completely forgot about her until bedtime, when Kenny was all, "Um, where's Stella?" Oops. Not good.

He went out in the dark, cold rainy night to look for her while I pretended to maybe see if he needed help. Meaning, I stood at the door calling her name until it was too cold to have the door open. Hey, I was in my pajamas and it was raining.

From the back yard Kenny said he could hear her and he wandered off, following the sound of her yowls. Then he came back in with Very Serious Face. Apparently she'd gotten herself treed. Again. Usually when this happens it's in one of the smaller trees in our yard and she comes down after a bit of cajoling.

This time, according to Kenny, she was up pretty high in a tree on our next door neighbor's property. Yes, he needed help and could I come hold the ladder. Goddammit. I pulled on boots and a coat over my pajamas and grimly followed him outside. It was midnight. Outside. Raining. Cold. Not our yard. Not good so far.

Then after tromping through the underbrush of the empty lot next to our neighbor's house, I saw the tree and...oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. I think I stood there with rain falling in my face as I tried to make sense of what I was seeing. It was a big-ass tree, straight up and down with a comical stubby broken nub of a branch about 20-25 feet up. On that broken nub branch? My cat.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

I mean, what the hell were we going to do? She was yowling and wet and freaked out and SO FAR UP THERE. The ladder we own is 17' and it didn't even come close to where she was.

We talked to her a while and cajoled and discussed. Even if she could figure out how to get down, she'd most likely fall part of the way. The next closest branch was a good 15 feet below her. Oh my God. I have never felt so helpless in my entire life. There was literally nothing I could do to help her.

We stood there in the dark, in the cold dark rainy night trying to figure out what to do and hoping that the neighbors didn't call the police. It started to rain harder. We went inside and I got online to see if I could find any ideas. Meanwhile, Kenny took a large piece of foam he'd been hoarding and put it under the tree, just in case.

The Internet declared the best thing to do was to leave the cat alone, as she was less likely to come out of a tree if there were people at the base yelling at her. So, we finally decided to just go to bed and if she was still up there in the morning we'd call a tree service and beg for help.

Kenny camped out on the couch so he'd hear her if she came to the door, but we were both still really freaked out and sleep was not going to be a thing, really.

20 minutes later we heard a squawk and there she was, wet to the skin and HAPPY AS HELL to be home. I have no idea how she got herself out of that tree but she was completely unharmed. Damn cat. And here:

Oh my God, right? Do not recommend.

Here's a Headline for you, Anderson

2011-01-18T15:15:00.000-05:00

Did you guys see this?

If you didn't, let me convince you to watch: Pee Wee Herman, Anderson Cooper, drunken shenanigans, intervention, Chairy tells Anderson to get the fuck off her. If that's not enough, I am not doing my job.

I Did Not Green Light This.

2011-01-14T14:04:00.001-05:00

Did you see this? I am AGHAST. And also a little amused by how much it tweaked me. I am a CAPRICORN, DAMMIT. It is part of my (fake mythological) identity! Even though I've never quite felt like Capricorn! Please observe:

"The Capricorn individual is stable (eh), hard-working (um), practical (ha!), methodical (sure), and ambitious (no), never losing sight of his goals regardless of how many obstacles are in the way (You! Get out of my...what? Oooh, shiny.)

Socially, Capricorn is inhibited and uncomfortable in new situations (yes), approaching others at first with caution and suspicion (totally). As far as money is concerned, Capricorn approaches finances as he does everything else - with prudence, planning, and discipline. (HA! HHAAAAAAAAA!!) As such, there are not many Capricorns on the bottom of the barrel in society (Hi! It's nice in this barrel. Very...bottom-y.)"

Anyway, even though I'm not the Capri-est of Capricorns, its still part of my identity and I am NOT AT ALL PLEASED to be lumped into Sagittarius all of a sudden. Nothing wrong with Sagittarius if you are one, but I am not. For one thing, it's an extrovert sign. NON.

So, where do you fall in this new realm of things? I think it'll never stick. People are too invested in their fakery astrological personality whatnot to switch out now. Hmph.

Speaking of Capricorn-ness, my birthday approaches! It's Sunday and I'm looking forward to a weekend full of cake and gifts. I think I'm going to go see The King's Speech tomorrow with my mother, so there will be some Firth too. I think any weekend can be made better with a little Firth, really.

So, what are you doing this weekend?

Breathing Room.

2011-01-07T18:30:00.001-05:00

You thought I wasn't going to do it, didn't you? But here I am, eking out a weekly entry as promised.

So, wanna know what the best thing I got for Christmas is? It's almost as good as a pony. Actually, in some ways it's better than a pony because it doesn't require upkeep. Can you guess?

Dudes, I am getting MY OWN OFFICE. WITH WINDOWS. PLURAL.

Yes! The department I work in is being moved to the next building over and we're getting out of the windowless basement space we're in now. Currently I don't even have a proper cube, just a triangular desk that fits into a corner, Blair Witch murder style. I also have my back to the door so I jump out of my skin approximately 800 times a day. It's not... ideal. In fact, it makes me irritable and bitchy. Whoever came up with the open-office thing just needs to be shot because who can actually get anything done when there are people talking right behind you? It's maddening.

So, in three weeks I'll be packing up my drawers full of garbage and moving to my own little space with a door and a view and oh, all mine. And this change will hopefully making me at least 25% less bitchy. But no promises.

Happy Blog Anniversary to Me.

2010-12-31T16:44:00.000-05:00

Okay, I couldn't have the last entry of 2010 be something so sad, so here I am writing a desperate update post-holiday. Christmas was a bit chaotic, but really pretty nice overall. Our tree this year is cute and a bit scrappy:

I saw it at Lowe's and felt sorry for it, so it had to come home with us. Aw.

Also, we had a white Christmas this year! Amazing. Even though I'd decided I hated snow after last year's pummeling, it was still really nice to have snow on Christmas. The next day it was still snowing so we did a snow ride:

It's more fun than it sounds like. The snow was still coming down so we were in the woods all snowy and quiet and it was just unlike anything else. Like you're on another planet. (Also, if you fall it doesn't really hurt.)

Finally, this is a blog-anniversary for me! It's my 8th. Eight years ago I was a miserable temp at a miserable bank loan center and I started this blog (on Diaryland) as an Internet cry for help. Here's my first-ever entry: http://amblus.diaryland.com/021231_70.html

It's terrible, but it got really good for a while and now we're back to terrible. So, here's my resolution: I resolve to update my Amblus blog at least once a week for the entire damn year of 2011. If I don't, you can shake your finger up in my face or something.

Thanks for reading! I look forward to annoying you for the year to come.

Farewell to Stripes.

2010-12-22T13:30:00.000-05:00

Last week was the normal week-length, but so much happened that it feels like it was much longer. The previous weekend was all about things ending, about of sadness mixed with relief, of happiness and grief.

At the beginning of December we noticed that Zephyr (aka Stripes) was starting to lose weight rapidly. She eventually stopped eating altogether, though she'd try because she knew we wanted her to. At sixteen she'd done a lot of living and had been on hyperthyroid meds for the past four years, so her health had been a concern.

We took her to the vet and got blood tests done and the results were not surprising, but still devastating: her kidneys were failing and there wasn't much that could be done. We took her home over the weekend and she mostly slept but also spent a lot of time on our laps, still sweet, still purring.

By last Monday we knew it was time. It was snowing that morning and when I carried her out to the car she looked around with interest, snowflakes sticking to her ears. She sat in my lap all the way to the vet, never protesting once. She was frail and tired and had no fight left.

So, last Monday, my dear stripey friend left us and we're still at odds and ends. Even though it was time, we're still missing her so much.

Zephyr was a scrappy stray that my sister rescued for me. The first day I brought her home she burrowed under a pile of laundry and stayed there for hours, all a-tremble. But, once she got used to me she became the sweetest, wildest, funniest cat ever.

She loved me to sing to her and would meow and dance around when I did. She loved tuna, she loved Kenny's lap, she loved being outside. She was an excellent hunter of birds and rodents and, when our downstairs neighbor became pregnant, Zephyr started leaving gifts of (decapitated) mice on the back porch for her. Thoughtful!

But that best thing was that she was the kind of cat you could pick up and hold like a baby and she would purr just because she loved you. A rarity.

Oh, Stripes, we sure do miss you.

Monday Ennui

2010-11-29T18:30:00.001-05:00

I know I promised vacation pictures and stories but you're just going to have to wait another day or too. I'm currently in my yearly state of post-Thanksgiving ennui. Or, "paralyzing holiday-induced state panic" if we're going to go all out and be completely honest. The panic, paired with the mental shutdown I always have on the Monday following a long holiday weekend, means I sat at my desk today in a near-comatose state, flinching when spoken to and praying to be left alone by, well, almost everyone.

Also, wishing we could just have a "no small talk" clause written into days like this. Like, right now my list of people I'd like to talk to is about at three. Three people. Are you one of them? WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW. (So yeah, probably not.)

But I ask, is it normal to spend the entire day feeling like I want to cry? And then thinking about Christmas and really, really wanting to cry? Because I like Christmas, I just wish I could hire someone to do it for me so I can just sit back and enjoy it instead of fearing it.

Because, really, I think maybe I'm broken. A good friend emailed me and asked if I wanted to get together and do something "festive" and a cold shiver went down my spine. Festive? WHAT DOES SHE MEAN. It was as if she'd asked me if I wanted to go to a Christmas store in July or something. Only it's not July anymore. Oh, no! This is totally a reasonable request because it's nearly December.

I weep.

Only Me.

2010-11-18T18:30:00.001-05:00

Okay, here's the thing. This has not at all been a bad week for me. Decent as weeks go, especially when I had the shining realization that next week was a two-day work week. THAT IS SO GOOD.

In the average day I live moment to moment, occasionally laughing out loud at something in my head or having random dark thoughts out of nowhere, like when I drove back from lunch earlier today, spotted the Annoying Mail Guy's van and briefly contemplated flooring the gas pedal and ramming into it just to scare the crap out of him. (Not to maim or kill, people. No, really.) This thought also made me happy so maybe I'm just dark. (But not dark enough to be able to handle watching that new zombie show. Why did I think I could handle that? I CANNOT handle that.)

So, the week in general has been clomping along just fine and then? I got locked in the bathroom at work. Unlike the last time I got locked in the bathroom, this wasn't a single stall so much as a single room bathroom with a faulty doorknob that decided to just take the day off. I'm surprised I didn't actually break my face when I unlocked the door and flung my full weight into it only to thump my body uselessly against a plank of solid oak. Ow.

I fiddled with the knob and tried over and over to open the door but it wasn't happening. I was perplexed, then full of denial, then angry that I was stuck without a book or iPod or ANYTHING to keep me occupied.

A few minutes later I heard someone on the other side of the door rustling around in the fridge and I banged on the door and told this person I was locked in. They were all, "Oh, no! Hold on! I'll go find the custodian!"

I was relieved until I heard this person pause, unwrap their Lean Cuisine, leisurely put it in the microwave and push the buttons before finally bothering to wander off and find someone to free me. Well, thanks, jerk. I'll just be hanging out HERE IN THE BATHROOM WHILE YOU EAT YOUR LUNCH FIRST.

Eventually she came back with the custodian who freed me with a pair of scissors (with which she jimmied the lock.) There was, of course, a whole group of folks gathered around in the hall gleefully waiting to see who the victim was. Well, hi there, assholes. Just me. Of course it's me.

Then, THEN, the custodian said, "You're the second person who's gotten locked in here today!"

Okay, really? Because there shouldn't have been a second person, right? I mean, after the first person has proven the lock to be faulty, perhaps a note? Or a piece of tape over the lock thingy?

Anyway. All of this is just a lead-up to plug my friend Pamela's blog. Because this girl tells embarrassing stories the likes of which you will not believe. But I've met her and it's all true. She really is that awesome.

Forgive me.

2010-11-12T16:14:00.000-05:00

I know, dude. I KNOW. This is ridiculous that I'm even admitting I do this but sometimes when I'm bored I go back a few years and read old entries just to find out where my brain was in, say, 2007. And then I read this entry and started snort-laughing at my desk because that shit is FUNNY.

Then I remembered I wrote it and felt like a jerk for being all, I'M SO AWESOMELY FUNNY.

But, sometimes I am.

Reading all my posts from November 2007 (when I did NaBloPoMo) makes me really miss my old Amblus scrawls. While I don't know that I have a daily entry in me, I do promise to try to update in a more timely manner and to more often share the weird crap that happens to me. You guys still out there?

...And, it's November.

2010-11-01T11:27:00.000-04:00

I'm such an ass. Sorry, kids. But, I feel like I will have new and exciting things to talk about after this coming weekend, as my husband and I are going on a short trip to celebrate our ten year anniversary. The original plan was to go back to Charleston so I could eat this, but alas, Charleston is freaking expensive. But! Instead we've decided to rent a cabin at Douthat State Park and go mountain biking in the actual, you know, mountains. Sounds fun! And it will be, except for the part where you ride uphill for hours.

Also, the weather forecast right now looks kind of awful, but there will be a cabin and and fireplace and s'mores and we can always do things like "talk to each other" so I think it'll be a fun weekend either way. It's been ages since we took a vacation together, so we're both looking forward to it.

I promise crossmyheart that I will post photos an' shit after we get back because this blog has just been dying a slow death. Maybe I need to botch up a cake recipe again or something. Dang.

Still Alive and Kicking in a Feeble Manner.

2010-09-28T13:15:00.000-04:00

Hi, sorry. Apparently I can only handle one blog at a time? And it's way easier to just post a dumb photo of my outfit than actually put words, like, together. In a meaningful manner. Excuses excuses.

Summer is over and I am a little sad about that. But, I do have something to talk about. My high school reunion is this weekend. My 20th. I'm surprisingly not only not scared, I'm actually looking forward to it. Apparently 20 years is exactly the amount of time you need to get perspective on what actually matters and what to just let go. I didn't even consider going to my 10th because, oh hell no! I hated high school! Also, at 28 I was not in a great place - unemployed, overweight, set adrift in my own insecurity.

Now, at 38 I am much more sure of myself. I tried to explain to my old best friend from high school that I wanted to go because I felt like I was a more interesting person now, and she laughed at me like that was the dumbest thing she'd ever heard. Or, she just though I was being self-centered. And maybe I was, but hey, I feel good about myself now and that's not the worst thing in the world is it? I refuse to be intimidated by the girls who could barely be bothered to talk to me 20 years ago because who's to say they're still that person? I would hate to be judged solely based on the child I was 20 years ago because, like most kids, I was kind of an asshole sometimes. An asshole with badly hennaed hair.

A bit of background: I went to a very small private school for Dyslexic kids for 7th, 8th and 9th grade, then "mainstreamed" into a middling private Catholic girl's school for 10-12. This was okay because I had a few friends there already, but also not okay because, in missing my freshman year, I missed the sorting process of clique hierarchy. I was automatically sorted into my existing friend's group of friends which worked out, but also prevented me from choosing my own friends upfront. Anyway, we fell somewhere in the middle of the Popularity Ladder. We were not popular, but also not not popular. It's complex.

Anyway, enough of the people I'd want to see again have signed up and a few of the "popular" girls have as well, so it should be interesting. I would like to add that I will look SLAMMIN' at both events I'm going to. I happen to know that one of my high school ex-boyfriends is attending, so I think looking awesome is both necessary and right.

Camp, 2010.

2010-08-13T15:52:00.001-04:00

Hi hi hi! I have been busy. First of all, if you care to read me blather on about fitness stuff and/or cycling, I am now blogging at Bodies in Motivation. You can find me here. If you don't give a shit, that's fine too. (There is a reason I don't post about that stuff much on this blog, don't you know.)

So, I am straight up horrified that summer is nearly over. Straight. Up. Horrified. The students come back next week and oh my God soon I won't be able to find a quiet corner anywhere. I knew it was coming, just not so soon.

So, I haven't told you about Camp this year and it happened weeks ago! Camp was at Marianne's beautiful new house and instead of getting all crazy on the boat we got all crazy on Dollywood.

First stop was Ye Olde Timey Photo Shoppe where we unanimously chose "wild west bar whores." It was a crazy success:

The rest of Dollywood was all about fried food and roller coasters and blazing heat. I think I'm officially Done with roller coasters. I might actually be too old. We rode a wooden coaster that was supposed to be about fun but was actually all about pain and suffering:

I talked Marianne into riding it and immediately regretted it. This regret can best be shown in this photo:

That's me in the back, horrified. Next to me is Marianne, horrified. Shelley and Emily seem to be fine? I have no idea why. We ate fried things:

We gawked at people and rode the shittiest train ride ever. Perhaps a warning about the eye-searing cinders could be made BEFORE we board the train?

It was ridiculous and fun. An experience.

We went to Marianne's grandmother's house and swam in her pool, which was very different than the lake in that it was clean and stuff:

...as long as you didn't mind the snarling, diving Jack Russell:

Deary is not a good boy. Marianne's grandmother, though, was lovely and her house is incredible.

Mostly we just hung out and ate and played games and talked. It was a really good time as always and now I miss everyone terribly. It's generally the highlight of my summer and this year was no exception.

I miss you guys.

Friday! Stuff!!!1

2010-07-09T14:50:00.000-04:00

You're bored, right? For you, I provide entertainment. You're welcome.

Tift Merritt. I know I've talked about her before but I cannot say enough good things about her new album, See You on the Moon. I bought it back in June, a week or so before we saw her live in Ashland. It was an amazing show, as always. While I think she should be SUPER FAMOUS by now, I do love that I get to see her in really small venues. It's what she does best. Now, this album. It's the kind of thing you listen to a few times and think, "Well, that's nice." Then a few more listens and suddenly you are living and breathing these songs, you hear them in your head, you can't stop thinking about certain lyrics, you just can't get enough. At least, that's been my experience. It's absolutely worth buying, so please do!

Hyperbole and a Half. Why am I just discovering this blog? If you want to know what my average day is like (in my head), read this. And this. Also this. Oh, if you're at work, grab a sock or something to stuff in your mouth to muffle the laughter. If you forget that part and get fired, not my fault.

Pamie is one of my favorite people on the Internet, for serious. If you want to be truly entertained, please go read her account of a day spent at a Korean spa. I read it three times because I just COULD NOT WRAP MY HEAD AROUND IT. Of course, I really want to go to there even though I know it would be awkward and humiliating. Sadly, it's in LA, so instead I settled for ordering one of those crazy scrubber mitts (weirdly called an "Italy Towel") off the eBay. I WANT TO BE SOFT LIKE WHIPPED CREAM.

Tomatoes. You know it's summer when you find a tomato rolling around in the back of your car and think, "Oh! That's where that went." I got the first tomatoes of the season this week from my CSA and oh my sweet baby Jesus. I could just eat tomatoes and nothing else until September. Go get you some. If you're making a face it's probably because you've never had a good one. There are tomatoes and there are TOMATOES. Find the latter kind.

Have a good weekend!

I'm Slack

2010-07-08T19:00:00.001-04:00

Did I really only have one post in June? That is just slack. Slack slack slack. I've started this entry three times, by the way. But in my own defense, not much is going on right now and I kind of like it. It's been super hot which seems to be a topic everyone likes to yammer on about, but I'm from the school of "It's JULY and We Live In The South, Assholes." I mean, people, remember this? It SUCKED. Give me hot any day. I'll even take the 103 degree days because how hardcore is that? That is what I'm talking about (until the Virginia Power bill arrives.)

And like my sister, I'm a little freaked out by how fast the summer seems to be flying by. It's already July! It seems like things just got going. I have to treasure these empty-campus days. They are precious.

Last weekend was 4th of July and it was very relaxing. We spent the weekend hanging out, eating, biking, the usual. We spent the evening of the 4th at Kate's folks house, where we played in the pool, drank watermelon margaritas and listened to Jean Shepherd's story about Ludlow Kissel and the Dago Bomb. All good.

I have a lull now, but in exactly two weeks I'll be on my way to Knoxville for CAMP!!1 Now, Camp (read about it here and here if you're new) is going to be a little different this year because the lake cabin has been sold (...pause for a moment of silence...) but our fearless Camp Leader is allowing us to stay at her house, seeming to assume we won't destroy her plumbing. In lieu of boating we will be going to Dollywood. Yes, you read that right. Please go ahead and be jealous, I'll wait.

After my Camp weekend I'll have an entire vacation week to roll around in! I haven't had a week off since December, so I'm really looking forward to it. More about that soon. Now, if you're nice I'll do my college best to put up a "stuff I like" entry tomorrow.

Worrying Me Lately.

2010-06-08T19:00:00.001-04:00

The Huguenot Bridge. Every morning I drive over an elderly bridge on my way to work. It's two lanes with no shoulder and the surface is more patches than pavement but it's got a nice view. At either end of the bridge are small signs that say "3 Ton Weight Limit" which sounds about right to me. But yesterday the city rolled out some gigantic blinky signs that are all, "NO, SERIOUSLY. 3 TON LIMIT FOR REALS. NOT KIDDING."

Whoa. Did...something... happen? Something I need to know about? Because I cannot imagine driving something that weights more than THREE TONS over a bridge like that. Even a single ton might be pushing it. Then I thought, wait, how much does my car weigh? Because I really haven't a clue. Turns out the average car weighs well over a ton, so really, a three ton vehicle could just be a medium-sized industrial truck. What the hell is going on with that bridge? It's being replaced (starting this fall) but for now, I worry.

My Back. I now know what people are complaining about when they say they put their back out and could barely move, so crippling was the pain. Here's a list of things I did last weekend that did not cause my back to go out:

- 1 hour of weight lifting followed by a spinning class
- dancing at a wedding in 4" wedge sandals
- 2 hours of mountain biking on technical trails

Here's what did cause my back to go out:

- Wandering around Marshalls. I was browsing the sleepwear when suddenly I thought, "Ow. My back really hurts." By the time I got to my car I could barely lower myself into the seat. It's feeling better now, but what the hell? Why did a discount retailer cause my back to spasm all to hell?

The Oil Spill. I'm so worried about this I can't really write about it but I will tell you this: When I'm forced to agree with that douchebag James Cameron? It's bad.

Chairs!

2010-06-02T19:00:00.002-04:00

Hey look, I'm back again. Thanks for all the back-patting reassurance that you haven't all abandoned me. Now, I am happy to report that my weekend pretty much went according to plan, aside from an emergency Saturday afternoon trip to work to get my riding stuff which had been living under my desk for a month because I was too lazy to cart it home. This involved calling the campus police who were nice enough to let me into the building, but I suspect they didn't have much else going on and was happy to provide some distraction.

Anyway, on Saturday Nina came over and helped with my chairs, and by "helped" I mean she pretty much reupholstered them for me. She is really, really good at this stuff but her husband has banned her from rescuing any more chairs so she was happy to be part of my project. Lucky me!

Here's what they looked like when I bought them:

I only wish there were words to describe how truly and utterly filthy they were. I mean, when we pulled up the old fabric and batting? OH MY GOD. No words.

Are you ready for this? Here's what they look like NOW:

Holy shit, right? Amazing! What an incredible difference. The cost breakdown is something like this:

$10 for the chairs ($5 each)
$15 for various wood stain, cleaning stuff & glue
$15 for new foam and batting
$22 for a yard of fancy fabric

Total: $62 for two pretty damn nice chairs that look great in my living room. Yay! Now, tell me what you did last weekend.

Long Weekend Plans. Not that you care or anything.

2010-05-28T08:00:00.002-04:00

No comments of any kind on my last two entries and you fools wonder why I never update? It's because NOBODY LOVES ME, clearly. Sheesh. I'll admit I've been putting most of my blog energy into my new venture because it's fun and new and stuff but I don't want to entirely abandon my post. I just haven't had much to say. Or much to look forward to... looking forward to.

This weekend is something, though. A long weekend! Three whole days. I don't get any significant vacation time until the end of July which might as well be December, it feels so far, far away. This weekend is tangible, though. I can almost taste it. Plans:

Saturday: Those chairs I posted about a few entries ago? I'm finally going to do something about them. My friend Nina is coming over to help me make them awesome. I spent some time cleaning them up last weekend and hey, guess what? A Magic Eraser is not what you want to use to get rid of chair grunge unless you want to remove the finish too. Oops. So one of them will need to be stained. Yeah. They're both utterly filthy but I hope when we're done they'll be transformed and I'll have something to show you. (Not that you care.)

Sunday: Perhaps a riding lesson? I've slacked off on the horseback riding partially because of cost and partially because my instructor is kind of a flake. We'll make plans and she'll forget. Then we'll make plans and she'll discover she has to work her other job. Then we'll make plans and I have to reschedule and she acts all put out like it's not something she does ALL THE TIME. It kind of takes the fun out of it. Anyway, if not a horse ride then a mountain bike ride followed by a barbecue at a friend's house. Activity followed by relaxing and beer! My kind of Sunday.

Monday: I will probably try to clean my filthy house or something in the morning, or maybe do a bike ride if I don't go on Sunday. Then lunch with Kate. Then piles of laundry. Then whining, weeping and rending of garments.

Thus far this is the plan. Sometimes my mother tries to hijack a long weekend with a LETS DO A BIG FAMILY LUNCH BECAUSE I MIGHT DIE SOON kind of thing but it's Thursday and I haven't gotten so much as a subject-line-only email from her, so I think the coast is clear. Fingers crossed.

Friday Stuff I Like

2010-05-14T16:14:00.001-04:00

Hi! I haven't done this in a while so here I am, doing this. Here's what I like:

BeneTint. I know! How very 90's of me! I had a big container of it (it lasts forever) and ran out last year. I finally bought another one and damn, I forgot how much I love this stuff. I only use it on my cheeks but it gives a lovely natural rosy flush unlike anything else and it lasts all day. It's a bitch to apply until you get the hang of it, but I adore it anyway. BeneTint 4ever.

The Brightest Star in the Sky. Marian Keyes is just beyond lovely and I look forward to her books with an impatience that's embarrassing. Her latest, The Brightest Star in the Sky was worth waiting for - it's engrossing and fun to read, hilarious and tragic and personal. I love her characters like they are my personal friends. She also writes an online newsletter that I love, but she hasn't done one in a while. Come back, Marian! I miss you.

White Whine. A friend of mine introduced me to this Tumblr page and it's just something you have to see for yourself. Careful, this site will cause snort-laughing.

Pretzel M&M's. YES. Okay, so I haven't actually tried these yet (only because I can't find them) but I know I will love them a lot. The salty/sweet/crunchy/chocolate thing is just so perfect.

Edit: I found them at Target! They are intense but a little dry. I kind of wish they had more chocolate- the ratio is off. But they are crunchy and salty-sweet and I'll happily eat the whole bag.

Alright, that's all I've got for you today. Go and have a good weekend and think good thoughts for me tomorrow around 4pm when I'll be suffering through my first mountain bike race of the season.

Lunchtime Update, real quick-like.

2010-05-10T13:30:00.001-04:00

I've completely neglected the original B.L.O.G. mostly because it's way easier to post some dumb photo of myself than it is to talk about the eleventy billion things going on. To recap:

Three craft shows:

1. Awesome show, non-awesome sales
2. Unspeakable.
3. Filthy and windy, but decent sales.

A visit from my friend Ashley which resulted in:

1. Several bottles of wine consumed
2. Weird pedicures
3. Enough intense conversation to get me through until the next time I see her.

One mountain bike race (this coming Saturday):

1. Filled with dread.
2. Sure, I'll do the long course this year.
3. Filled. With. Dread.

Three rescued thrift store chairs that I plan to rehab and recover (fabric swatch in second photo) with help from Nina:

(Potential, yes? I haven't even had time to lay a finger on them, but soon! Soon.)

My first free product!
It's finally happening y'all - people are sending me free stuff to write about. In this case:

1. Four bottles of Cheribundi juice.
2. But not a pony.
3. Also not an Hermès bag.

I've been working my way through the four varieties they sent and will post an entry about it later this week.

And...that's it for now. I'll probably do a race recap next weekend and now that craft show season is over, I'll try to summon up the brain cells necessary to post Stuff I Like again. Because I still like stuff. And I like you. Mostly.

My own personal cake wreck.

2010-04-14T10:00:00.004-04:00

Kenny's birthday is today (happy birthday, Kenny!) so some time in the last week or so I got the brilliant idea to make him a cake. A layer cake. With homemade icing and coconut. It seemed like an average sort of goal because idiots make cake all the time, right? Hell, if idiots can do it, so can I!

I am here to tell you that baking is FOR SUCKERS. Man, I am good at a lot of things but baking is not one of them.

Initially I was very proud of myself for remembering to call and ask Kenny to take the butter out to soften. By the time i got home it was REAL SOFT. Maybe too soft. Whatever. I should also mention I got home after 8pm, having met some friends for an early dinner. So, really, this was panic-baking at it's finest. Nothing like sobbing in a cloud of flour on the sticky kitchen floor at 10:30PM. Okay, that didn't really happen, but I was certainly not calm. I made the following rookie mistakes:

Realized halfway through that my flour was of the "better for bread" variety.
Didn't read the recipe in advance and was flailingly desperate in my attempts to "completely cool" the cocoa/boiling water mixture. Kenny helped.
My attempt to not over-mix the batter (PER DIRECTIONS) resulted in some very obvious butter lumps. Great for biscuits! If I were making biscuits.
I made the frosting from a totally different recipe that, um, wasn't a layer cake. Do you know how much frosting you need for a layer cake? A LOT MORE THAN I MADE, that's how much.
I set the timer for the time the recipe indicated and when it went off I pulled the cake out to cool. Yes, that's right, I didn't test them for done-ness. LOST was on! I didn't have time for that.
LOST was on.

When I pulled the cakes out they looked okay, but ten minutes later they'd all fallen. Oops. I removed them from the pans to cool further and when I started to assemble one of them completely buckled in the middle. I did a quick flip-slap and made it the center layer, filling in the huge dip with frosting (which might explain where it all went.) The final layer had a surprise chocolate-lava center, so yeah, it's probably half raw. Or "not dry" if you want to be all glass-half-full about it. Oy.

Kenny came it to watch me attempt to frost the monstrosity and we both laughed hysterically because, dude:

I ran out of frosting, obviously, so I tried to doctor it up with some shredded coconut:

It's got a nice lean to it and weighs about 80 pounds. That's not worrisome at all, right?

PS. I know I've been a pest about this, but if you haven't already, please vote for my friend's baby Lulu! This is the final day and she's lost her lead:

http://www.babble.com/impossibly-cute/fan-favorite/index.aspx

You don't have to register or anything, just get clicky!

Releasing the Kraken.

2010-04-02T15:54:00.001-04:00

I've spent most of this week under a cloud, a dark cloud created by hormones and a specific pre-condition condition that I forget about every month until I'm in it. In it to win it, y'all, with my nameless rage at I don't even know what. Everything, I guess. Rage against my car, the potholes, my fluctuating weight, my inability to not eat things I'm not supposed to eat, at the cat for hocking a hairball on the rug we haven't even owned a week, emails I can't answer fast enough, flaky eBay sellers, flaky riding instructors, beautiful days that I feel like I"m missing, all of it. Rage.

But then this morning I woke up and the cloud had blown over and the day was new and sparkly with weekend-to-come promise. If I were a religious person I'd say today was a gift from God, but I'm not, so lets just say the day felt like a gift in general. As I drove across the bridge to work I enjoyed the view and was grateful to be part of it all, to have woken up and still be in the world no matter how weird and messy it is.

So, there. A mostly non-snarky entry from me. Also, my outfit is cute today if you were wondering.

Have a good weekend!

Not everybody knows your rules Larry!

2010-03-26T08:45:00.002-04:00

Last night I had dinner out with friends and we began debating about Joss Whedon shows. (NERDS. I know.) I was all Team Buffy against a bunch of Team Firefly. Now, really. I ask you! I was all, I HAVE RULES ABOUT THESE THINGS. LIKE LARRY DAVID.

Now, if you don't watch Curb Your Enthusiasm and don't know what I'm talking about, first, you need to fix that shit and watch the show. Essentially, Larry lives by his own rules and runs into problems because the rest of the world doesn't know his rules. I feel for him because I have LOTS of rules and it's frustrating that nobody seems to follow them. Here are a few. Please try to keep up.

The Rules.

1. Don't snap gum, wear strong perfume, jangle your jewelry, click your pen, rip up paper, listen to your iPod loud enough for me to hear it, or whisper in an exaggerated manner. You are annoying me.

2. It's none of your business what number is on the bottom of my plastic water bottle.

3. If your shopping cart hits my heels accidentally, my hand might hit your face. Accidentally.

4. Don't bless me and I won't bless you. Deal?

5. If I'm reading, it doesn't mean I am lonely and have no one to talk to. It means I'd rather read than talk to you.

6. Hey you, slow walker? Can't you feel me steaming up your tail? Solution: WALK FASTER.

7. Crocs. No.

8. Adrien. With an E. Not Adrian. Not Adrienne. Not Adriene. Not Adriane. Not Adrianne. NOT.

9. If you do the Rocky thing you are dead to me. If you don't know what I'm talking about, that's great.

10. I don't really answer the phone, especially not my cellphone. You don't pay the bill, so I don't have to answer.

11. Just because I am athletic doesn't mean I run. I don't run. I don't run because I don't want to run. No amount of convincing will make me want to do anything but not run.

12. If I see you in the grocery store and pretend not to see you, it's not an accident. It's just that I don't want to see to you.

13. Yes: The Office, The Daily Show, Community, Glee, 30 Rock, Chuck, Lost, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Rescue Me, Mad Men, Dexter, Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

14: No: The Bachelor, American Idol, Two and a Half Men, Biggest Loser, Fox News, Anything with Guy Fieri, Jersey Shore.

14. Oh, you want me to smile? Why, is my serious face bringing you down, asshole?

15. If you are all germ-phobic I will probably think you are overreacting. Then I'll tell you about skin mites.

Have a great weekend!

It's Friday. What What.

2010-03-19T16:08:00.002-04:00

I don't have much for you this week because all my energy has been over here at the NEW BLOG. But, I really needed to give y'all an update on my car because...only me, y'all. Only me.

So, if you remember from last week, my car needed a state inspection and also a new rack and pinion/power steering pump thingy. Got it fixed and on the way home Kenny noticed the airbag light was on and the horn didn't work. He took it back last Friday morning and that afternoon called me at work to let me know that the garage claimed it wasn't their fault.

Wasn't. Their. Fault.

The broken part is called a spiral cable and it would cost about $300 plus labor.

Oh, really.

So, let's review: During the state inspection the horn worked and the airbag light was off. Two hours later after they pulled apart my steering stuff, the horn doesn't work and the airbag light on. And it's not their fault? OH I BEG TO DIFFER.

After I calmed down, I called the garage and had a little chat with the owner, who protested that my car was OLD and part BREAK magically all by themselves. I finally talked him down and got him to agree to install the part for free. Kenny was sure he could find it cheap on eBay (which we did. Maybe.) Okay, fine, FINE.

But!

Oh, there's always a big but, isn't there? Further research uncovered this little nugget in an article:

Steering gear service precaution. Toyota offers the following advice for doing steering gear service on the 1996 and newer models listed below that are equipped with a driver's-side air bag: When the intermediate shaft is disconnected and the steering wheel is allowed to turn freely, the SRS spiral cable may be broken. To prevent this, pass the seat belt through the steering wheel and latch it to the anchor on the right side of the seat. The affected vehicles are: Tercel, Paseo, Corolla, MR2, Celica, Camry, Avalon, Supra, Previa, Sienna, RAV4, 4Runner, Tacoma, TWO and Land Cruiser.

I knew it. Fuckers. So now we have a part that might work and proof that they did freaking break it. I'll let you know what happens.

PS. If you are feeling stressed out just by reading this, please go here: ZooBorns

Baby animals every day! It will make you happier, I promise.

Have a good weekend!

Friday Stuff. Springtime Edition.

2010-03-12T12:15:00.004-05:00

So, it's Friday again and I still like stuff, but there's also stuff I don't like. For instance, taking my car in for state inspection. If you're remember back to last year, my $15 inspection ended up costing, like, a lot more. A lot, lot more. This year we took it to the poor people garage instead, hoping they'd be a little more lenient. Um, well, no. Apparently you aren't supposed to have to put power steering fluid in every single week and I need a new power steering pump RIHNOW.

According to them steering is a "safety issue" or something dumb like that. I'm all, bitch please. Gimme one of those hinky Prius cars and don't even worry about fixing it because I am going to look AWESOME flying down the highway at 100 MPH. I might even go back to the future! I'll wave when I swerve around you because, yo, I CAN'T STOP. Woo!

But no, instead my car gets a loving sponge bath with a handful of one hundred dollar bills. Do not like. Also, it had to go right back today because when Kenny picked it up last night the airbag light was on and the horn didn't work. Hi, please hook it back up correctly? Not to much to ask? Hmph.

But I do like:

Daylight Saving Time. I know, I know, next week is going to hurt what with losing that hour of sleep, but oh! Precious after work daylight, I have missed you so. I am DYING to get back out on the bike trails after work. Cannot wait.

Givenchy Tartine et Chocolat Ptisenbon. That is a mouthful of words, sorry. This is my spring/summer perfume though it can hardly be called perfume because it's so light, so not sweet, not cloying, just smells lemony and clean and maybe a little bit like baking bread and licorice. Not in a weird way, either. It doesn't have much staying power but I don't like to be overly smelly anyway, so that's fine by me. It's been discontinued but is still readily available on eBay and various discount perfume websites.

Lara Bars. Lately we've been trying to eat much better and have sworn off most processed foods. I've cut way back on sugar and alcohol as well. But, I still occasionally want a little treat and Lara Bars seem to be a healthful solution. They're very simple: ground nuts, dates and coconut (or other dried fruit.) No weird ingredients, no wheat, no corn syrup, just real stuff in bar form. I like the Coconut Cream Pie flavor the best. I bought a few yesterday and the gentleman who rang me up started telling me all about his wheat allergy and the horrifying things that corn syrup does in your gut. Um, just want to buy my hippie snacks and leave now, thanks mister. Sheesh.

Looks Good from the Back. Hey! New blog, because that's exactly what I needed. This one is a team effort, though. My friend Marianne and I decided to start a fashion blog (stop laughing) with no twee poses, just straight up outfits, stuff we like, and lots of unfortunate try-on-stuff sessions. Check it out! I think it'll be fun and we're both really excited about it.

It's Friday and I like music.

2010-03-05T14:23:00.001-05:00

Today I just like music. I mean, I like other stuff, but I'm just going to ramble about music because nothing else has been rocking my world lately. I've been exchanging emails with a friend who occasionally sends me cool song suggestions, which got me explaining the kind of new bands I really like. They tend to be similar and could be categorized thusly:

- Can fit in my pocket

- British (or would like to be)

- Heroin (or other drug) addiction

- Band members date similarly drug-addicted models and/or actresses

- Punk influenced

- Awesome until third album (or until Josh Homme fucks with it real bad)

For example, I like the Strokes, Arctic Monkeys, The Libertines, that kind of thing. I also dig thinky bands like Modest Mouse and Franz Ferdinand and I'm supposed to like Phoenix, Kings of Leon and Arcade Fire, but I'm not sure I do. I like to sing along and I like angry more than emo, it appears. But! I also have some stuff on my iPod that would probably blow your mind and would definitely make you reconsider reading my blog. Like, I had to prove to my friend Ashley that there really is a Phil Collins song (Against All Odds) on my iPod because she didn't believe me. And when she saw what song, she was all, "Okay, I get that." There also might be an Elton John song (OKAY TWO) as well. What can I say? Sometimes I just need to be all 1984-mainstream-pensive.

And yeah, I can hear you sort of dismissing that as acceptable nostalgia, so how does that explain my obsession with Taylor Swift? No, I'm not kidding. I just have the one song but I'm seriously considering buying the whole album because there's nothing I like more than a really well-constructed pop song and "You Belong With Me" firmly falls into that category. It's simple, it's catchy, it's easy to sing to sing along with (ALONE IN YOUR CAR WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED UP.) Plus, she's pretty! And seems to be a nice girl. God, I am a sap. Why do I tell you all these things? Happy Friday. Please don't unfriend me.

STUFF. LOVE SO MUCH.

2010-02-26T15:00:00.003-05:00

It's Friday and guess what? I still love stuff. Like, a lot.

New Wayfarers. The old Wayfayers are classics, but they look gigantic and blocky on my weird small face. Good in theory, not on me. But holy shit, Ray-Ban now makes an updated version that's smaller and, yay, they look really pretty sweet on me. I don't own them yet, but I might one day soon. (Note to self: find shit to sell on eBay.)

This bike. You know why? Because it's named after my friend Noah. Is that not the coolest thing ever? I keep fluctuating between being really proud of him and being really really really jealous. Like, crazy jealous, because he got a BIKE NAMED AFTER HIM. DANG. I'm hoping to go see it at the Handmade Bicycle show this weekend and maybe weep all over it.

Twin Six. I'm pretty obsessed with Twin Six because they make the coolest non-girly female bike gear out there. They'll be at the bike show! So nerdily excited. I bought this one recently because the dots are actually tiny skulls and sixes:

I can't wait to get it completely filthy.

Never Tell a Lie by Hallie Ephron. I generally hesitate to recommend a book before I've finished it, but this one is (so far) really quite good. A "suburban noir" page-turner with a likeable main character, which is always important. I can usually tell when I have a good one when I think about it throughout the day and can't wait to get back to it. (Oh, and the author is Nora Ephron's sister! Damn overachievers.)

Have a good weekend, nerds.

Heh. Hand Wash.

2010-02-24T15:30:00.003-05:00

My car is a disgrace. It's generally a bit down on the heel but since i got a new windshield I've been feeling kind of guilty about how completely and utterly filthy it is. The last time I had it washed was 2007. Seriously! That is just messed up. And by "had it washed" I don't mean a person washed it, I mean I ran it through the car wash and probably paid the extra two dollars for the fancy one with wax and undercarriage whatever. A disgrace. But, I am never going to be one of those people who wakes up on a warm sunny Saturday morning and thinks, "Hey, this would be the perfect opportunity to wash my car!" That is never going to happen.

But, things had gotten bad. All that snow meant that my car was covered with a fine layer of salt crud on top of the thick layer of crud crud and I just couldn't stand it anymore, so Saturday I told Kenny we were going to go find a car wash. We drove down to the busy corridor of car dealerships and gas stations until Kenny pointed out a slightly down-in-the-heel Exxon with a car wash. Perfect! There was a badly lettered sign out front that said "HAND WASH $8" but I wasn't really sure what that was about. I just wanted to run my car through the automated thingy and be done with it. Little did I know.

I drove around the back and down the narrow lane to the car wash, but before I even got to the pay-box a spry man with bucket in hand popped out of nowhere. Kenny got out to talk to him and apparently yes, the hand wash was $8. Sure, whatever, go ahead. Kenny got back in the car and we looked into the empty automated car wash while the man sprayed down my car. I looked over at him and said,

"Okay, I'm confused. Is it $8 for the hand wash PLUS the automated car wash?"

"I guess so. Maybe he's just prepping it."

"That car wash doesn't even look like it works."

"No, it doesn't."

Meanwhile, Mr. Hand Wash was scrubbing my tires and soaping down my whole car.

"I think...I think he IS the car wash."

And he was. He spent 20 minutes on my car and did a thorough job. I mean, my car gleamed afterwards! Kenny chatted with him and found out that he owned the gas station and I guess the car wash broke so he decided to just do it himself. I don't know but it ruled. So low-tech and unexpected! We gave him a nice tip and were shocked when the driver of the car behind us (who pulled out without his hand wash) offered him THREE DOLLARS, apparently appalled that the automated car wash was busted. Cheat loser.

Money Can't Buy The Stuff I Like. This week.

2010-02-19T15:08:00.003-05:00

Hey, it's stuff I like:

BEING WELL OMG. I have been sick for the better part of three weeks - first a cold that lingered and then last weekend I got a sinus infection. I'm on the mend but still pretty congested and snotty and you can just close that comment window because the neti pot is NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I am not going to shoot water out of my nose, no no no. They have a name for that - it's called water boarding. No thanks. But! I am definitely feeling nearly well and it's going to be in the goddamn FIFTIES this weekend and I AM GOING TO RIDE MY BIKE.

Sorry about the caps, I just haven't had this much to look forward to in a while.

Winter Olympics. I am way more into the winter Olympics than I've ever been before, probably because sitting on the couch in front of the TV blowing my nose is about as much as I've been able to do this week. I am fascinated with the men's figure skating costumes. Fascinated. I also seriously adore the snowboarders for being so un-Olympic-ly easy going. They just seem like nice kids and if I was 19 again I would totally want to try that. I've never so much as set foot on a ski slope but it looks like a good time except for the crashing part. That looks bad. Especially the downhill skiing which doesn't appeal at all because fuckin' OUCH.

My Mother's Latest Email. I could have an entire blog based around her emails because they're often so weird and apropos of nothing, though generally well-meaning. However, the day will come when she'll find and read my blog and I'm not willing to get Mom-Dooced. I will, however, share with you her latest because it's pretty cute. (It's based on a comment some friend made on my FaceSpacePlace account when I expressed my horror about downhill skiing.) Mom's email:

Subject: Hope the comment about you riding bikes down mountains at 70 mph was a joke

Message: Very scary. You have a wonderful face; wouldn't want to see it messed up. The snowboarding was awesome, and the skiing and the skating, but oh my god the dangers and the injuries. Stay safe.

Okay, step back a minute Mom and think about this. What the hell would I have to do on a mountain bike to reach 70 mph? I mean, I am pretty sure that Tour de France riders charging down a mountain on a top-of-the-line road bike would be hard pressed to hit those kind of speeds. Does my mother REALLY think I'm doing that? Because that is so awesome.

Fixing my tape deck. Aw, yeah. Remember how I wrote about the horrible buzzing noise coming from my tape deck when I used the iPod adapter? Here's what I did: I shoved the adapter in the other way, wire and all. Hard. And it worked! I'll probably never get it out again, but for now, PROBLEM SOLVED.

Have a good weekend, nerds.

That buzzing noise is my brain exploding.

2010-02-11T15:35:00.003-05:00

I don't like it. Winter can suck it. I am done. DONE. My sister is done too. We do not live in upstate New York here. What the hell?

Last weekend it snowed again:

I used to think it was pretty but that photo just makes me feel like I'm hiding from the White Witch with too much Turkish Delight in my belly. Ugh. (Related: someone who is not me keeps walking through the house in his snow-covered boots even though I created a whole "here's where you take off your boots right by the front door" area. Hmph.) Last weekend got a little ugly, is all I'm saying.

Then it started to get better until yesterday morning when we had a little mini-blizzard. I fought my way into work (took an HOUR) only to be told that work was now closed and we should go home. The sun came out as I was driving back, of course. I am not even going to talk about the MORE SNOW predicted for this weekend.

You know who hates this weather even more than me? My car, that's who. Once upon a time, my car was a luxury vehicle. It was pretty nice if you were someone's grandpa looking for a sweet ride. It's still pretty powerful but it's starting to fall apart in highly irritating ways. Like, the flippy-flap that covers the visor mirror has a broken hinge and I have to rubber-band it in place. That is class.

Also, the small windshield crack on the passenger side had become a large crack encroaching on the drivers side. (The crack came with the car but didn't stop every. single. new passenger to say, "Oh, it looks like you have a crack in your windshield!" OMG REALLY? I HADN'T NOTICED.)

So yeah, the crack was starting to freak me out because every time the temperature dropped, it grew and grew. I had visions of the whole thing shattering in my face as I hit another pothole and WOW, do I not need that experience. So, since I don't have real insurance I had to pay out of pocket for a brand new sheet of glass this week. It looks pretty good, though, or it did until it got covered in salt, ice and chemicals.

But, the most annoying thing the cold does to my car involves the tape deck. Oh man, I want to take that thing out with my bare fists and smash it apart on the fake wood grain dashboard. See, I run a tape adapter through it in order to listen to my iPod in the car. Most of the time this is a great system, but lately on cold mornings it's been making the most god-awful buzzing noise. The full experience is like this:

I am the passenger BRZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ and I ride and I ride
I ride BRZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ through the city's backsides
I see the stars come out BZRZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ of the sky BRZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Yeah, the BRZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
You know it looks BRZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ BRZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Singing la la la la la..BRZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ lala la BRZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZla, la la la la.. lala BRZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZla la etc AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

That last part is me losing my mind. Thank you and good night.

The Long Winter

2010-02-04T12:16:00.003-05:00

Driving into work has been challenging this week, mostly because our city seems to think the sun is a great replacement for a snow plow. Not so much, Richmond. I found out this morning how to tell when you hit ice on the road - your tires stop working. Awesome! But, thanks to the extra shot of adrenaline I'm very very alert this morning. Wide awake.

We're set to get slammed with another big weekend-ruining storm tomorrow, so to tame my tantrum and get bit of a reality check I've been re-reading The Long Winter. Wow, hey, sucks for us but at least we're not weathering out a blizzard in a claim shanty with five other people and no heat except a wood stove. Dang.

Anyway, I was a little late to work, though not because of the ice. Just the usual reason: VH1 Classic. Oh, I love it so much. When the news gets too newsy in the morning I switch over and sometimes it's completely horrifying (Quarterflash!), and sometimes good. Today, it was extra good. First they played the video for Blue Jean.

David Bowie is just the greatest. Let's all take a minute.

I'm the greatest.

The original video for this song was 20 minutes long and had him playing two different characters: Jaded Drugged Out Rock Star and Hopeless Loser with a BandAid on his Nose. It's right here on Y0uTube, so if you're in the need of entertainment, I highly recommend.

While I was getting dressed, they played Save It for Later by the English Beat. Always a good time:

I stopped to watch it and then looked at the clock and had to rush. But! As I was walking out the door, this came on:

I literally stopped in my tracks and my bag fell out of my hand because damn, is there anything better than a luxuriously mulleted Robert Plant singing in front of a speedo-wearing xylophone player? I DON'T THINK SO. I have always loved this version of Sea of Love and I couldn't leave without watching the video. Awesome.

Okay, that's all for now. I know I still need to post about my Chicago trip and I will! Probably while snowed in this weekend.

When it snows it pours

2010-01-30T11:28:00.004-05:00

Sorry, I'm so far behind! I still haven't written about my trip to Chicago but that's because I caught a bad cold about two minutes after my plane landed in Richmond. Now it's snowing all crazy and I'm on day three of being trapped in the house feeling like shit. AWESOME. I did use my sweet new KitchenAid mixer to make cookies, though I can't actually confirm their tastiness.

A big snowstorm here is usually cause for excitement but this is the second time we've had a big snow on a weekend. Stop it, weather. If you can't give me a legitimate day off work I don't need you. Man, I am not good at being sick. To amuse myself I've been Twittering with one of the local TV weather guys because this morning he said he'd tarped his car once he got to work and also suggested tarping your yard and maybe your dog too. (They are getting a little punchy over there.) Here's the exchange I had with him:

Amblus @AndrewFreiden Freiden, I've tarped all three cats per your advice. Now what? Starting to panic and cats are REAL MAD.

AndrewFreiden @Amblus Rule #1: don't tarp cats. Dogs are OK with it, though.

Amblus @AndrewFreiden You might have wanted to mention that. It's too late and tarp is shredded. I'm next. Very scared. Pls advise.

AndrewFreiden @Amblus abandon ship. You should now leave town.

Amblus @AndrewFreiden Have abandoned house & am currently hunkered under tarp in the back yard. Cats have slashed tires & phone lines. So scared.

Sorry, I'm such a nerd. But what else do I have to do? I can't go anywhere and I don't feel good enough to do much else. I will leave you with a couple of nice photos that Kenny took in our back yard:

Bullet Points.

2010-01-21T15:07:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I've been busy but lots has happened! I promise to be better about updating when I get back from my trip. Ah! Bullet:

I'm going to Chicago tomorrow to see friends and to eat some good food and generally not be at home and stuff. Whee! My coworkers keep giving me chemical hand warmers which is nice, but it's not actually that cold there right now. I'm not going to the antarctic, y'all.

My birthday was last Saturday and it was a lot of fun. My spinning instructor embarrassed me good (but played Bowie at my request), I had a fun lunch with my sister and nieces, and went out to dinner with Kenny, Kate and Justin. Dinner was a bit of a fiasco because who the hell decides to go to Edo's on a Saturday night after they've been closed for two weeks? Only me. It was a mob scene. That's a story in itself, so I'll save it.

I took my first TRX class on Tuesday and assumed, stupidly, that because I work out hard and lift heavy that it wouldn't be that hard. Hi, could you put my coat on for me? And buckle my seat belt? And maybe steer my car? My arms DON'T WORK. Damn hell. I can't wait to do it again once I'm able to move and stuff.

That's all! I'll be back Monday with tales to tell.

Iron Chef Amblus

2010-01-12T15:14:00.003-05:00

Cooking is something I enjoy and I like to think I'm pretty good at it but it's one of those things that can go either way and so fast. One second you're dreaming up titles for the Cooking Show Starring You and the next you're covered in coconut milk and weeping, while something quietly catches fire in the oven*. It's really all about, uh, timing.

Last weekend I was gifted with (Claudia, close your ears) some really glorious Benton's bacon. It's what bacon should be, for serious. It spawned a whole lot of cooking, including these biscuits and this kale and potato recipe. Delicious! I also, at the suggestion of a friend, tried this Brunswick Chicken recipe and it turned out so well I felt like a cooking genius. The next day I turned the leftovers into Brunswick stew (sans possum or squirrel, lets not go crazy, okay?) and it got even better. I was on a roll of cooking awesomeness.

Then, last night I tried another recommended recipe for Seared Tofu with Green Beans and Coconut Sauce. I really like tofu a lot, but I've never been able to cook it. I just can't make it turn out the way I want. I've frozen it, squeezed it, pressed it, yadda yadda yadda falling apart and soggy. Every. Single. Time. I gave up after finding a local brand of pre-baked and flavored tofu that was really good. Then it disappeared - I guess the company went out of business. Sadness! Back to square one.

But I read the recipe and even though it's a little fussy with the cooking and removing, cooking and removing, I thought it sounded simple enough. I got started with the tofu (pressed, cubed, marinated) and everything was going great until I tried to flip it. Uh, tofu? Ain't meat. If you aren't using a non-stick pan those little cubes are going to stick and break and fall apart and you will realize this when you're in the middle of decanting the coconut milk which has separated with a thick layer of solid crap on top and WHEEEE a spray of liquidy goodness underneath that you will accidentally hit too hard with your spatula and it will go EVERYWHERE. Meanwhile your tofu is not searing so much as committing suicide.

You yank out a nonstick pan and transfer the tofu and use the other pan for the rest and watch in horror as your ginger sticks fast and your garlic starts to burn before it even hits the surface. Glob in the coconut milk solids and whatever is left from the liquid and stirstirstir while coconut milk runs down your face, mingling with your tears.

At this point your husband wanders into the kitchen, takes one look and crab-scrambles right back out before he gets sucked into the vortex of Dinner Preparation Panic.

Take a breath. Take a gulp of wine. Wipe the coconut milk off your feet. Go back in.

Green beans, red bell pepper, other shit, stir stir stir, remove. Boil. Throw stuff back in, oh crap what the hell is that? Whatever its fine. Rice, plates, beer, dinner. *sob*

What? No sweat. It was pretty tasty, though next time I'm just going to sear up the tofu in a separate (NONSTICK) pan while I make the sauce and cook the veggies in the other one. I'm not sure why I didn't do that to begin with, but that's why cooking is so fucking fun. IT'S FUN.

* a few weeks ago I apparently dropped a pot holder in the oven and didn't notice. When I opened the oven again I saw it just as it burst into flames. I calmly closed the oven while I found some baking soda to throw on it. I did not panic! Nothing to see here. Please move along.

It's Friday! Stuff! I! Love!

2010-01-08T11:52:00.006-05:00

Mr. Bento lunchbox I got one of these for Christmas and it's been a lot of fun, if a little fussy. I think it'll work better in the summer when I eat things that don't have to be heated up. It's supposed to keep food hot or cold but I don't usually heat my leftovers up in the morning prior to packing. Still, I love the stacking containers and the built-in portion control. I've been using it all week with good results. Plus, it looks really cool and comes with it's own spork!

Sweet Potato Lentil Kale soup. This soup is a godsend. It's what I make after the holidays when I feel all gross from the sugar and butter I've consumed with both hands. It's painfully healthy but seriously delicious and very nice served with grilled cheese sandwiches made with good crusty bread. I've added organic chicken sausage to it but it's just as good without. If you're not a kale fan, spinach would probably work, though Swiss chard or collards would hold up better.

(I got no picture. You'll have to check the link or use your imagination)

Farmer Boy. I was a huge fan of the Little House books when I was a kid and I've read them all many times but the one I always come back to is Farmer Boy. Something about the food descriptions, the animals, the upstate New York farm life appeals to me more than the prairie every did. It really holds up and I enjoy reading it now just as much as I did when I was little. Almanzo's my boy.

Shu Uemura Skin Purifier. I am a sucker for beauty products but most of my skincare stuff runs along the lines of Neutrogena, Cetaphyl and Mario Badescu. However! I splurged on a small bottle of this Shu Uemura cleansing oil because my skin had started to do that winter dry/patchy/blotchy thing which is just awesome. The Cetaphyl wasn't cutting it anymore, let's be honest. I've been using the cleansing oil every evening (I don't wash my face in the morning, just rinse) and my skin looks a lot better. Plus, I don't have that dried-mask feeling right after I wash my face. It's expensive, but you only need a few drops, so it lasts forever. Whee!

Man, what a weird assortment of stuff I picked today. Whatever, have a good weekend!

Why the gym sucks right now.

2010-01-06T11:29:00.001-05:00

A few days ago a friend of mine (who's a workout fiend like me) posted on F@cebook about how she hates this time of year at her gym because the resolutionists are gumming up the works. She got some pretty stern replies back, which is understandable.

I think she was misunderstood though, because her rant really wasn't about newbies, it was about folks who already belong to the gym and never go, only to show up all repentant on January 1st and proceed to make everything harder just by being in the way. That sounds bitchy but I know most of them will disappear by the end of February. The whole thing is just so frustrating.

And look, I know we all have to start somewhere, by why does it have to be all at the same time? I came up with an analogy that I hope will better illustrate my point:

Say you have a favorite local coffee shop that you go to every single day. You get a parking space easily and get your usual coffee and muffin after standing in a very short, quick line. You sit at your usual table, which everyone knows is "your" table. It's comfortable, it's your everyday routine.

Now, lets say on January 1st you show up and the parking lot is full. And the street parking is full. You have to park two blocks away. The line for coffee is out the door and after waiting 30 minutes you're told they're out of muffins. You settle for something else and when you go to your table, people you've never seen before are sitting there and have spilled coffee all over it. You try another table but they're all full and nobody is moving. You go home and vow to try again the next day. Unfortunately the entire month of January is like that. And maybe February too.

So, really, it has nothing to do with new exercisers, it has to do with annoyance at the whole THING. Having a place you love and are comfortable with being swamped for an entire month or two. Every year I hope that some of them do stick it out and make it a routine so they don't have to become part of the problem next year.

PS. If your resolution this year was to hit the gym more often, STICK WITH IT. Don't make me write in my blog about you.

Hot enough for you?

2010-01-05T10:44:00.000-05:00

I hesitated to post my last entry but I got a few nice comments and messages that definitely made me feel better, so thanks, you guys. Suffering of any kind is a hard thing for me to wrap my head around, I guess.

So it's Tuesday and I'm a day back into my real life. My time off was awesome - just days and days with no plans, every introvert's dream. I think the hardest part of my morning now is pushing the cat off my lap so I can get dressed and made up and packed and coat on and leave the warm house for the cold nasty world outside. I think I'd be a total hermit if I didn't love shopping so much.

January for me is the month that makes me realize that it really is winter and it's going to be FOREVER before summer comes back. For. Fucking. Ever. I think my favorite time of year is right in the middle of July when everything is so ridiculously green and over-ripe that you think it might all explode. I love walking out of an air conditioned building into the crazy hard sun and just basking in the warm. Really, I think I just love being warm. I will never complain that it's too hot. However, I need January to remind me of how awesome summer is so I don't take it for granted.

January's one redeeming feature is that it's my birthday month. Just when the luster of the holidays is wearing off, YAY it's MY BIRTHDAY. To celebrate I'm traveling to the coldest place I know - Chicago. (I know, right now you're all, "uh, bitch? Did you not just say you love to be warm?") But I have friends there who I'm dying to see and it's somewhere else! Different than here! Colder! But different!

I need to make some friends who live in the Bahamas.

Sometimes it's a hard world for small things.

2010-01-02T18:16:00.006-05:00

Today has been a rough day and it started with an incident that probably wouldn't even have phased (fazed?) some people. Sure, maybe it's a testament to how sheltered I am, but fuck it. It sucked.

I was on my way to the gym, exiting the highway and in the middle of the exit ramp was the small flailing body of a recently run-over squirrel. Still alive, but probably (hopefully) not for long. I was stricken, but what the hell could I do? You can't stop on an exit and even if I could...then what? Some people would've tried to run over it for good, but I am not built that way.

I went to the gym and had a shitty workout. I felt sick and distraught and a little stupid for letting the suffering of that tiny critter affect me so strongly. But how could I not? How is a squirrel's suffering any more or less important? How do you quantify suffering?

I made it back out to my car an hour later and started crying. And crying. And crying. Crying for the tiny, flailing suffering thing. Crying for my uselessness. Crying for the unfairness and cruelty of it all. Crying because I'm sure other people drove right past and didn't give it a though. Crying because there was nothing I could do.

I'm lucky in that I have a lovely husband who understood my distress and took it seriously. But yeah, not the best day I've ever had.

Hi There.

2009-12-31T16:31:00.005-05:00

So, yeah, I pretty much skipped over blogging about Christmas this year, but today I realized that it's my blog's anniversary, so perhaps a post was in order. Luckily I haven't gone completely feral so I still more or less know how to type. Mostly.

Christmas was really nice - I got to hang out with family and friends and ate a lot of cookies (like, a lot of cookies). It's been too gross out to ride but eh, I'm not much of a winter biker. I've spent my week off sleeping in and generally having a good time. That's what vacation is for, right? I have not finished painting my bathroom (sorry, Emily.)

Every New Year's Eve I blog about how it's my whatever-year-blog anniversary (7th, now, I think) and link to my very first incredibly stupid entry, so if you want to read that you might want to check my archives from last December 31. It's basically this post all over again, really. But I'm glad, I'm glad that in a fit of boredom at my temp job seven years ago I up and decided to start a blog. I'm glad that you still bother to read it, even though it's changed a lot from what it originally was.

So right now it's Thursday afternoon and I can smell the salsa chicken I have slow-cooking for tonight's taco extravaganza. It's cold and grey today and I spent the afternoon out shopping with my friend Nina. I have cute new red slippers on that I just bought and I'm already thinking about the glass of wine I want to drink while I make the guacamole. I'm trying really hard not to think about how quickly this week has gone and how before I know it I'll be Monday back at work, weeping weeping.

This hasn't been the most stellar year ever, but I've had worse. I'm healthy, I'm lucky in love and have the greatest friends anyone could ever hope for. I mean, really, I have AWESOME friends, y'all. They definitely make me want to be a better person and I just love them all and I'm so fucking lucky that they love me back. Aw.

And as always, I ask that you spare a moment of thought for Kathryn, Bryan, Stella and Ruby Harvey, who are dearly missed by all. They gave a lot to my hometown and I don't want anyone to forget. A local blogger and friend has written more about them here.

Happy new year, you guys. I hope it's a good one.

Stuff I Like: Thursday edition

2009-12-10T15:36:00.003-05:00

I'm doing this a day early because I have tomorrow off which makes today my Friday! Woo. Before you throw things at me in jealously please know I have a really busy day tomorrow - no relaxing for me. So! Here is some stuff I like:

Mint M&Ms. These are seasonal and not exact new, but they're new to me. I bought them on a whim last Saturday (while lamenting the demise of the mint cookie Hersey bar) and WOW THEY ARE CRAZY GOOD GET AWAY FROM MY DAMN CANDY. Kenny and I snorfled the whole bag over the weekend and I was still thinking about them on Tuesday so I picked up another bag only to discover Kenny had done the exact same thing so now we have LOTS. Get your own because I'm not sharing.

Daniel Craig Tea Towel. My friend Marianne told me about this and I need it SO MUCH. Unfortunately shipping would be something like $40 and for that much money I would expect Daniel Craig to hand deliver it. In a Speedo.

Handmade Holiday craft show! YOU SHOULD COME. I will be there selling jewelry I made with my very own hands and there will also be more than 40 other local crafters selling really cool stuff. I've been blogging about it on the Handmade Holiday here, here and here. There are also great crafter interviews on the blog, so read those too. And come to the show or I will never, ever speak to you again. Awesome!

I Like Mike. And stuff.

2009-12-04T12:45:00.008-05:00

I enjoyed making Friday be all about stuff I like when I was doing NaBloPoMo, so I've decided to keep going with it, at least for now. Here we go:

My friend Michael's spinning class. I look forward to it every week because he is hilarious and fun and says crazy shit to make us laugh. Plus, he's totally cute:

I'm cute!

Topics covered in his most recent class include:

- Days of Thunder with Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman
- Desserts Eaten Last Week

- The weirdo brilliance of Lady Gaga.
- ADD and the lack of drugs to control it.
- Smokey after-hours dance clubs
- Gee, I Really Hope Someone Blogs About This (hard look at me)
- A dramatic reenactment of the "Catch My Breath" move originally performed by another instructor.

How could you not want to take Mikey's class? It's the best.

The Magicians by Lev Grossman. This is the only book that could follow The Thirteenth Tale, really. It's similar in some ways (weird, slightly Gothic, easy to fall into) but different enough to not confuse me or crowd the bits of TTT that are still in my head. It's like a grown-up, grittier Harry Potter with added angst. I like it a lot so far. Favorite bit:

"Are you kidding? That guy was a mystery wrapped in an enigma and crudely stapled to a ticking fucking time bomb. He was either going to hit somebody or start a blog. To tell you the truth I'm kind of glad he hit you."

Fancy no-stir polenta aka CHEESE GRITS. Whatever you want to call it. I made this recipe a few weeks ago as the base of a chicken sausage/greens dish and we liked it so much I made it again last week with a shrimp. Shrimp 'n Grits! The recipe (second one down) is completely full proof and crazy delicious. I used Bob's Red Mill polenta/grits because you can't do better than that.

Neutrogena Moisture Shine Lip Sheers. I recently ran out of my favorite fancy lip gloss (Lorac Gloss Stick) and was horrified to discover that it's been discontinued. Why do they do that to me? It was perfect. I couldn't find anything I liked nearly as much and I didn't want to spend a ton of money on a sub-par replacement. So, against my better judgment I bought a drugstore lip color. It's not that I'm a snob, I just hate that there are no testers and drugstore brands tend to go completely fuchsia on me (which is so attractive.) Anyway, I picked Blackberry Ice and was pleasantly surprised: it's sheer but not too sheer, slightly minty, and not fuchsia at all. And! The packaging looks and feels way more expensive than it is. YAY.

That's it, kids. Oh, except please leave me a comment and tell me about your latest favorite thing.

Road Raging.

2009-12-03T14:42:00.000-05:00

Oh man, you guys. I almost killed some lady yesterday just using the power of my mind. I was waiting in a line of cars waiting to exit a parking lot and another row of cars on the right was waiting to turn (and merge into our main line). I let the first guy go in front of me and then pulled up behind him. That's the way it works, right? You take turns. I learned this in kindergarten. Well, the snooty snot behind him decided that she wanted me to let her in too, nay, she DEMANDED I let her in by inching...inching...inching...forward no matter how far I pulled up. Finally, the guy in front of me got his chance to exit the parking lot and I'll be damned if that bitch didn't peel out in front of me, forcing me to slam on the brakes. When I slammed the heel of my hand into my horn she gave me a smirk. OH NO YOU DINT.

OH. NO. YOU. DINT.

(Just FYI, her license plate said, "LOV LIF" and she had those horrible pink polka-dotted initial stickers, so if you see her around town, please give her the finger for me.)

Y'all, I lost my shit. I was that red-faced angry screaming harpy that you're all afraid of. If I'd had a Callaway driver I would have taken out her SUV's windows. I was deeply pissed. I continued along to my destination, all the while having an angry one-sided conversation that went something like this:

"I let the first person in because I'm A NICE PERSON."

"That's right, I follow THE RULES. Some people just have no MANNERS."

"I swear to god if one more of those west end ladies-who-lunch fuck with me I am going to BUST THEM UP."

Yeah, good stuff. I kept driving and as I was headed towards the intersection before the bridge, who should I pull up behind? Oh, you're gonna be LOVing LIF alright. I made sure to give her the finger as I passed her on the bridge and then I did the most incredibly passive-aggressive thing I could think of:

I got in front of her.... and went one mile under the speed limit. The whole way across. YEAH I DID.

High five.

Oh, you thought that was it?

2009-12-01T14:44:00.002-05:00

I'm not done. Look at me! Posting in December even though I don't have to.

Yesterday was hard, as I mentioned. At 5pm I left work with the intention of going to the gym as usual. I pushed open the door to find it cold, pitch black, and pouring down rain. Fuck this. I drove...right past the gym and kept going until I was home, in bed, with a good book, a cat and a glass of wine. It was everything I'd hoped it would be, especially the book which I finished.

I know I wrote about The Thirteenth Tale a few weeks back and at that point I'd only just started but kids, let me tell you, I think it's the best book I've read this year. It is really just a perfect story with every element I love: England, stories within stories, suspense, Gothic intrigue, eccentric characters, books, books, and more books. It was written by a serious reader and that made me love it all the more. This passage is one of my favorites:

"Do you know the feeling when you start reading a new book before the membrane of the last one has had time to close behind you? You leave the previous book with ideas and themes–characters even–caught in the fibers of your clothes, and when you open the new book, they are still with you."

And that's what I'm dealing with right now. I'm still reading The Broken Teaglass but it's dragging a bit. I've also started The Magician and it has promise but The Thirteenth Tale is still with me, still tugging at my brain. I cannot wait to read it again.

Oh damn, I did it.

2009-11-30T14:56:00.002-05:00

Yes, I am awesome. This is my final blog entry for November and I managed to post every freaking day this month. It was a lot of fun and got me back in the swing of the blog thing. Amusingly, I forgot to actually add myself to the NaBloPoMo blogroll, so I get no official credit for completing it, BUT I DID. You know it and I know it and that's all that matters, really.

I am currently dealing with a serious case of the Mondays and only my giant new TV can cure me. Oh, and beer. Beer can cure me. Maybe.

Because they didn't have a Swirly-Eyed Crazy section.

2009-11-29T22:59:00.003-05:00

Hey! This one almost didn't get posted because today at 6pm I was reaching into the fridge to pull out the makings of dinner when everything went dark. I froze like you do when the power suddenly goes out, as if freezing in place might trick electricity into thinking time had stopped for a second and now it's time to power back up. It didn't work.

We went outside and the whole neighborhood was dark so we sat on the porch for a while like a couple of yokels and looked at the sky. Meanwhile, dinner wasn't going to make itself so we decided to go out to eat. Afterwards we wandered over to the book store where I amused myself in highly mature ways:

Good night!

Saturday night. Yeah.

2009-11-28T17:20:00.002-05:00

Hey! I have friends coming over for dinner soon, so I'm just going to fake my way through this and show you my panic-cleaned house via shitty iPhone photos:

I didn't take more pictures of the TV (aka My Precious) but it was hard, very hard, to resist. Do you know how amazing HD is when you've never had it? We're like cavemen with a shiny spoon.

Have a good night!

Black (market) Friday

2009-11-27T22:54:00.004-05:00

So, I didn't do it. I didn't stand in line at 3am (IN THE POURING RAIN) to buy a shitty $250 TV. Instead, I slept until 8:45am and then got up and ate a leisurely breakfast with my husband. Then we sauntered over to Target to buy a 37" Vizio they had on sale (not a Black Friday sale, just a sale-sale) but duh, they were gone. All of them. Every stupid TV.

I was not in the best mood, especially after feeding my out-of-town family's cats who'd managed to pee, poop and throw up all in one room. Those cats are fired. (Molly, your cats were lovely, just FYI.)

My lovely husband is a problem solver, though, and highly motivated to get me out of grumpy bitch mode, so he checked Craigslist and LO. There was a 37" secondhand Vizio for sale. He emailed the seller and this was the back seat of my car an hour later:

SERIOUS. Our old lemon was quickly dethroned:

We tried out the HD capabilities by watching Casino Royale which is the best possible thing we could watch because certain key parts of that movie definitely need to be highly defined. I tried to take a picture, but it didn't work. You'll just have to take my word for it.

Good night!

Thanky.

2009-11-26T22:44:00.005-05:00

Ah, Thanksgiving. It was pretty good - nobody cried and there were only mild misunderstandings. We were all thankful and stuff. My neighbor across the way should be extra thankful that I didn't break his damn noise-polluting leafblower over his head, for one. I'll post photos of the gathering tomorrow, but was good to see everyone and a nearly-nine-year-old beat the crap out of me at Connect Four. I wasn't letting her win or anything, she soundly kicked my ass. Kids today. What can you do?

After that Kenny and I skittered home and forced ourselves to go on a mountain bike ride because the Sun! Was! Out! It would have been illegal not to have taken advantage. We were way over-stuffed and mostly just wanted to take naps but we forced ourselves out. I'm really glad we did because MF it is RAINING AGAIN. I SWEAR TO GOD. Punchline: thunderstorm. What is that?

I took my little iPhone with me and we took a nice long break in the woods to take goofy photos:

I'm sad because the swamp is prettier than me:

Kenny did three wheelies and this was the best I could do at capturing the action:

I made fun of this one for the whole rest of the ride but it was so funny I felt I should share it anyway:

I mean, what the hell is going on here? What am I posing for? Dumbass Bike Weekly?

Wha?

Then the sun set so we went home and commenced to drinking. The End.

Wah. Wah.

2009-11-25T22:48:00.002-05:00

Today was supposed to be a fun, easy day off. I remember two years ago when I had the Wednesday off before Thanksgiving and it was 80 degrees and sunny and I went mountain biking. Fuck that day, seriously. I've had about as much grey sky and drizzle as I can handle at this point. I'm vitamin D deficient. I'm going to start munching on fish oil pills if the sun doesn't come out soon.

So today was a catch up day - house cleaning, errands, gym, more gym, more errands. I had an appointment with one of the coaches at the school where I work. He lifts weights and I wanted him to check out what I was doing and help me improve my form. It was fine (ugh, overhead squats) but at one point his girlfriend, who I'd never actually met, wandered over and just stood there watching. Hi, AWKWARD.

Add to that 800 stressy emails from my mom about tomorrow. Just know this: an 18 pound turkey. I have to go over at 8am to help put that thing in the oven. So happy about that. I hope she likes bedhead and a bad attitude because I have both and they ARE FREE.

Did y'all know I'm on Twitter? Yeah, I caved. My friend Palinode who is Canadian, posted this on Twitter:

I have been reading Thanksgiving tweets for a solid week. When the hell do you people actually eat your turkey?

My response (spelling corrected because I can):

We eat after the traditional screaming fight with mom and drink a bottle of wine mid-day because fuckin' YAY, it's a holiday.

That about sums it up.

Under the wire.

2009-11-24T22:58:00.002-05:00

Man, I'm tired. I had a really long day and I was about to go to bed when I remembered I hadn't updated today. I went to a funeral for my father's favorite cousin, a nice man who died too young from cancer. It was out of town so my father and I were gone for most of the day. It was sad and tiring (and cold and raining, naturally) but I'm really glad I went. I don't know that side of my family very well, but still, family. It's weird to me that I'm related to people I don't really know, but they're so kind and seemed happy to see us.

One of my second(?) cousins is working on the geneology and has emailed with my sister about it. She wants us to get together soon, which I think we should. I'd like to feel more connected to the part of my past I don't know much about.

Sorry, this isn't very interesting but it was an introspective kind of day.

I Haz Awesome.

2009-11-23T15:46:00.004-05:00

Life, Love and Wine gave me a nice blogger award just for being awesome. I don't know about all that, but thank you, Jen! It made for a nice Monday morning.

The rules of this award are:

1. Thank whoever gave you the award.

2. Copy and post the award to your blog.

3. Tell your readers 7 things they don't know about you.

4. Give the award to 7 bloggers.

5. Keep being awesome.

So, #1 is complete. Here is #2:

#3: Seven Things You Don't Know About Me (except I've already told you guys everything so you probably know this stuff already. Let's pretend.)

1. Lady Elaine scared the CRAP out of me when I was a kid. I mean, what the fuck?

2. I hate camping. I hate the idea of camping. I hate the reality of camping. No amount of s'mores and beer will ever make me want to camp.

3. The dress I'm wearing today makes me look like an Oompa Loompa. Guess I know why it was on that 70% off rack at Target, huh.

4. Nearly two years of heavy weight training and I still can't do a pull up. Not even close.

5. We've lived in our house for five years and still have no curtains in the living room. At this point its pathological.

6. I cannot get enough of Lev1 Johnston. Stop foaming at the mouth and listen for a second. He is exactly what we need to counteract the horror that is P@lin, because every time she tries to make us think she's just a down-home soccer mom, he'll say something that just blows her charade right apart. Plus, he's just such an enormous doofy hick. I'm sure Sarah just hates him. Therefore, I love him.

7. I don't find Jon Hamm all that attractive. Don Draper, on the other hand...

Here is #4 (sort of. I ran out of steam):

Sara! My sister from another mother.

My sister. She will beat me with her fists if I don't award her. But she is awesome either way.

Kathy is a damn good writer and a fine lunch companion. I'll admit I love her dating stories the most.

I love Out of Character for it's every day hilariousness. She doesn't update enough (STRONG HINT.)

I found out about Edith Zimmerman from Sara and this blog is made from pure awesome.

So now all I have to do is keep being awesome. This is no problem at all.

I'm tired of 95

2009-11-22T17:07:00.008-05:00

We had a great time at the party last night and I had fun today at IKEA with my sister, but I am really really freaking tired of being on 95. That was a lot of driving for one weekend. These weekend entries are killing me, so instead of a bunch of filler words, I'll give you filler photos instead. I'm not a fan of posting photos of people I barely know without permission, so I'm leaving out a bunch of party shots Kenny took. Kate and Justin will just have to suck it though, because this photo of them is great:

And look at the view from our friend's balcony!

Pretty food bits:

A shot of the library they built in the back bedroom:

Me, not quite drunk yet:

Fun! And now the weekend is over. Boo.

Quick and dirty.

2009-11-21T10:54:00.002-05:00

We are headed up to Northern Virginia today to go to a party celebrating a friend's marriage so I wanted to post something in case we didn't get back in time. So here it is! Totally nothing. But, I'll take some pictures and shit and maybe post more later this evening. We'll see.

Tomorrow I'm off to IKEA with my sister, so there's that as well. Pictures! Shopping! Intrigue!

Later.

It's Friday! I like stuff!

2009-11-20T12:15:00.004-05:00

Blanchard's Coffee. This is a local roaster who's product is my life blood. They sent me a little email recently about some holiday offerings and one of them was this: the Project: ORIGIN gift basket. Part of the proceeds go to help the coffee farmers who work so hard to provide the beans of joy. The basket includes Blanchards coffee beans, a Project: ORIGINS t-shirt, and the best part, a TINYSAUR. My friend Kelly makes the Tinysaur kits so you're also supporting her as an artist when you buy this awesomeness.

(Sisters of mine: do not buy for Dad. Way ahead of you.)

Beautycrunch.com. I am a fan of expensive makeup, especially expensive makeup at a steep discount. I have bought a bunch of great Stila products dirt cheap! It makes me happy. Here's a tip: if you create an account you get to see a more stuff that's hidden from the random browser.

(Younger sisters of mine: if you see something you want for christmas, now is the time to let me know.)

Yee-Haw. This etsy shop is KILLING ME DEAD. In a good way. There are no words, just clicketyclick.

SERIOUSLY OH MY GOD:

I am foaming at the mouth, you guys. FOAMING.

(People of mine: if you see something you want for Christmas, now is the time to let me know. This would also be a great place to find ME a gift. Just saying.)

Introverts Unite! Just not together.

2009-11-19T12:33:00.002-05:00

I know I've talked about being an introvert before. I am the kind of girl who sits quietly in front of a computer all morning and then to recover, goes to the library to read on my lunch break. It's not that I don't like people, I'm just pretty happy being alone.

I don't write about work much, but I think I might also have mentioned that back in the spring our department was condensed into one smaller shared space. I now have a corner desk that faces the wall and my boss and coworker sit behind and on the other side of a cube wall from me. I really like both of them, but man, it is too close for comfort. I hear every phone conversation, ever crinkle of paper, every. thing. I don't want to know this much about the people I work with! I really don't. It's hard facing the wall too because folks come in the door and walk right up behind me and sometimes I don't hear them until I feel a hovering presence and that makes me want to punch noses. Or cry, or something.

Yesterday we all went out to lunch and by sheer dumb unluck got sat next to the table with the screeching child and behind the large group with no Inside Voice. The wall of sound around me was so overwhelming that I put my head on the table for a second. I just couldn't tune it out enough to even focus on the menu.

I was talking about it last night with Kenny because he used to deal with a similar situation at work and he's like me, totally fine with saying good morning and other pleasantries, but then could you just shut the fuck up for a while? PLEASE. I told him I'd prefer to have a desk that was on an island, in a cave, or just tucked away in some quiet hidey hole that nobody can find. The nook under the stairwell perhaps.

But, Kenny who knows me really well said that no place would be quiet enough and eventually something would twist me. And he's right. I'd be all, WHAT IS THAT INFERNAL TICKING NOISE. *stomps on watch* AND THAT HUMMING NOISE. *smashes light fixture* AND WHY CAN I HEAR BREATHING *strangles self*

Lalala, it's fun being a weirdo. Now, can you please stop clicking your pen?

Nerding Out.

2009-11-18T11:12:00.004-05:00

I've been a little wistful this week because I'm reading two really good books and have been missing my lunchtime reading sessions. Don't get me wrong, the lunch plans I made instead were super fun and I wouldn't trade lunch with a friend for an hour of reading, but man, both these books are in my head, poking, poking, poking at me. That's when you know you have a good one, when it pokes at you. It's like having a crush, where it's always in the back of your mind and you get a little frisson of excitement at the thought of seeing it again. Yeah, I'm a book nerd. Or, I should say, I'm a story nerd. I love a good story and I love books and words and everything related. Amusingly, both these books are nerd heaven:

The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield. This one is a story-within-a-story about a young woman writing the biography of a famous and eccentric author. It's SO good, y'all. That's my review so far. I'm trying to read it slowly because I don't want it to end. Also, like Her Fearful Symmetry (which I wrote about recently) it's got a great creepy twin element going on.

The Broken Teaglass by Emily Arsenault. This is kind of a mystery and also a book for word-lovers - it's about a couple of lexicographers who stumble upon mysterious cits that seem to tell a story about a murder. But the origin of the cits, a book called The Broken Teaglass, doesn't exist! Ooooo...NERD MYSTERY. I love it. I also want to be a lexicographer now because I can't imagine a better job for an introvert than one that involves analyzing words for use in a dictionary all day. Rock star, that's me.

Please excuse me while I act like a girl for a second.

2009-11-17T15:47:00.003-05:00

Okay, shit. I have been sort of laissez faire about my diet lately and sadly a good workout ethic is just not cutting it anymore. Surprise! I really can't eat whatever I want and not gain weight. Ugh, so I weighed myself this morning and then I sort of fell out and had an internal tantrum and vowed to get back on it. BACK ON IT. Here is what my good day of eating was going to be:

planned breakfast: old fashioned oatmeal with fruit, coffee.

actual breakfast: old fashioned oatmeal with fruit, coffee, Kashi waffle, Morningstar sausage. (It was good, too.)

planned morning snack: plain greek yogurt with fresh apple bits

actual morning snack: one third of a horrible lardy pastry brought in by a well-meaning co-worker. (I didn't want to be rude.)

planned lunch: sushi

actual lunch: sushi...the kind with tempura shrimp. Also, the kind with cream cheese. And avocado. There was some fish in there too, I'm pretty sure.

planned afternoon snack: apple slices and peanut butter.

actual afternoon snack: apple slices and peanut butter (I know! Such progress.)

planned dinner: baked shrimp with feta, rice, steamed broccoli.

actual dinner: fingers crossed. Hopefully I won't come home to find a cake and a six pack waiting for me.

Two hours a day, either educational or football.

2009-11-16T14:17:00.005-05:00

I know I've said this before, but I don't do Black Friday. I am certainly a shopper, but, like the vampires on Buffy who take Halloween off, I usually take a pass on after-holiday sale madness. It's all too stressful with the crazy lines and the 3am openings and whatnot. I mean, what could I possibly need badly enough to want to wait in line outside a Target when I should be in bed asleep? Nothing...except maybe a flat screen HDTV. That? I need. Badly. BAD BAD BADLY.

I read this article on Friday and ever since I've been plotting on just how early I'd need to be in line to score that 32' HDTV. Please note, the article is just speculation but that is good enough for me. I take television very seriously and, to paraphrase Edwina in Raising Arizona, "I NEED ME A TV, HI. THEY GOT MORE'N THEY KIN HANDLE." What do I exercise and lift weights for if not to elbow people out of the way as I'm sprinting towards the electronics department? Hell, I've been training for this my whole life. I will happily be part of the problem if it scores me a $249 HGTV.

Hi, I'm an American.

Hersey Makes a Himpression

2009-11-15T17:31:00.003-05:00

When I was little, I had this great book of horse stories and one of them was about a horse who rolled in different colored mud to give the impression of more than one horse. "Hildebrand Makes a Himpression." I thought about this when I arrived this morning for my riding lesson to find Hersey liberally covered in dried mud. Grand!

We brushed off the mud where his saddle and bridle would go and left the rest because even if we completedly cleaned him up he'd just roll again the minute he was turned out. Ornery.

Despite the mud we had a great lesson and he was a really good boy today. He tends to be stubborn and knows I'm green and will totally take advantage of me. I'm learning though and we did well today.

This is Stewart, one of my favorite boys. He's licking the bars:

Hersey, in all his muddy glory:

It was a great day for a ride.

Is this cheating?

2009-11-14T18:34:00.004-05:00

Last night's event wasn't profitable for us but it was a lot of fun. Because I've just had a glass of wine and I have to make dinner soon, I will entertain you with some sad iPhone photos from the Divine Design & Craft Boutique:

Here's a little video Kate took:

The gallery space is really sweet and items are available for sale until December 8th, so if you're lame and didn't come out because you had better things to do, you can still GO BUY THINGS.

Today the sun was supposed to finally come out but didn't. Kate and I hung out and did our usual lunch, chocolate shop, various shopping kind of day. The best kind of Saturday, if you ask me. Afterwards I went to do the grocery shopping and as I was walking in the store I felt something funny hurting my eyes. What is that... bright light? Why its the STUPID SUN ABOUT TO SET:

Great timing, SUN.

More Stuff I Like

2009-11-13T12:23:00.002-05:00

Jeannette Walls new book Half-Broke Horses. It's not quite the emotional ride that Glass Castle is, but it's a really good read. If you've read Glass Castle it's really interesting to see how Rosemary was raised and how she ended up where she did. Quite an interesting family.

Jo Malone Nutmeg & Ginger perfume. I'm not a perfume girl at all. Most of them I find too strong, too cloying, too allergic-reaction-causing. This one does not because it smells exactly like it's name- nutmeg and ginger. That's it. It's warm and spicy without being sweet or headache-causing. I adore it. If I know you personally, please don't buy it because I want it to smell like me and me only. (Yes, I really am that shallow.)

The Checkout Girl. I'm really loving this blog entry by this local shopgirl blog queen. I've had similar things happen during my retail-working years, but this entry is just full of win. She also does a hilarious series called 100 Bad Dates, which are linked through her site. Good reading.

Community. By all accounts, this sitcom should suck but it just keeps getting better and I hope it gets another season because these characters have so much potential. Check it out if you haven't bothered to watch it. Also! The girl who plays Annie is also Trudy Campbell on Mad Men! It took me forever to catch that because I'm slow.

Commercial Interruption

2009-11-12T14:18:00.004-05:00

I'm busy as all hell today, so I'm going to pimp my ride a bit instead of complaining about something dumb. Last night I went to the Richmond Craft Mafia meeting and we covered the following topics:

- our upcoming Handmade Holiday show.

- The Ham Biscuit: Why is it called a biscuit when the biscuit is a roll?

- Did you hear? Dawn got a piece in Country Living!

- the upcoming (tomorrow!) Divine Design & Craft Boutique with GayRVA.

- Oooh, that's a cute necklace you're wearing.

- Boobs, babies, etc.

- my phallic butternut squash

My point is, you should really come to both of those shows and buy some awesome stuff from us. We'll even talk about boobs if you want.

Oh! And one more thing. Because I need another blog like a hole in the head, here's one for Keen Designs that I recently created. Whee.

Catch the beat. I'll wait.

2009-11-11T15:13:00.003-05:00

Something about the rain makes me cranky. Sorry, I should say, something about the rain makes me crankiER. I'm usually cranky on an everyday low level anyway, but right now the weather is just turning the dial up to eleven.

Last night I was also cranky because my usual spinning instructor was resting up for an upcoming marathon and the substitute was a guy who's class I usually can't handle. Not because it's particularly hard but because it's insufferable. He's nice and all, just really...Up With People. And corny. So corny, you guys. As with most spin classes (not yours, Michael!) I pretty much hate the instructor for the first three songs and then I drink the metaphorical Kool-Aid and I'm in. But this guy, wow.

To start, the first thing out of his mouth was, "Is it Friday yet?" which is one of those idiot saying that just drives me up the wall. NO, ASSHOLE, IT'S TUESDAY. WE ALL KNOW IT'S TUESDAY SO JUST KNOCK IT OFF BECAUSE I HAVEN'T HAD MY KOOL AID YET. HAVE AN F'ING BLESSED DAY WHILE YOU'RE AT IT BECAUSE I KNOW IT'S COMING.

CRRRRRANKY.

So that got the eyes rolling but I knew he usually settles down after we start and I was willing to suffer through it, until...he caught the beat. I mean, literally, after telling us to "catch the beat" he reached up his hand and caught an imaginary beat. Jesus H. At that point I went beyond cranky and came back around to hilarious. I mean, how can you not laugh at something that stupid? Sort of like the guy who was on the bike next to me last week wearing a red, white and blue striped terrycloth sweat band around his head. So stupid you can only laugh.

So the class continued with the instructor randomly pointing out faults (another habit I hate), telling this person to stop hunching over, and that person that their seat is too low. Important information, but why single people out? Does anyone ever enjoy being singled out because they screwed up? Yeah, not really.

Then! During a rest period he told us to catch our breath and he...wait for it...reached out and caught his breath and pretended to put it back in his mouth. And then I died.

The end.

Grand misuse of the word "Fair"

2009-11-10T15:40:00.003-05:00

I think we need to stop using "fair" to describe events that don't include the following:

- Shetland ponies

- baby ducks on a slide

- janky carnival rides

- funnel cake

- pig races

- fried butter

Really. If these things are not in evidence, you do not get to call it a fair. I'm talking about your "Job Fair" or "Health Fair" or in my case, "Benefits Fair." It's open enrollment week and I'm stupid enough to want to make some changes to my health insurance, so I'm forced to go to the "fair" to get my stupid questions answered. Stupid.

The "fair" was held in the gym on one of the indoor basketball courts. Festive! To make it even nicer, they'd laid out some grey plastic to protect the wooden floors. The various representative tables we waaaaaay spaced out, I guess to keep the reps from coming together and plotting a rebellion? Anyway, it was pretty bleak. There was a healthy snack table set up right in the dead center of the court so if you wanted to scam a snack you had to do the long walk of shame into the middle of the mostly-empty space. Damn.

Of course there was no music and very few people and as you walked from table to table the reps would give you a dimly hopeful, but haunted look, only to be disappointed when you didn't want to discuss short-term disability or your 401k. It was terrible.

There was no deep-fried butter, but I did get some helpful information, some free hand sanitizer, a tiny pill box and a chair massage. That last thing almost made up for the lack of ponies, actually, because I jacked up my shoulder last night lifting weights and he kneaded the crap out of it. My only worry was that a stray basketball from the next court over was going to bounce over and thwack me in the head like a wack-a-mole game. Which might have made it a real fair, now that I think about it.

Automated: The good, the bad, the ugly.

2009-11-09T13:09:00.005-05:00

Oh man. Yesterday I felt like I lived in the Jetson household or something. My mother gave me her Roomba Scheduler ™ after I coyly said, "You know...if you ever get tired of that thing..." and the next thing I knew she'd loaded me up with a dusty armful of Roomba equipment and I was on my way. She has an actual human person clean for her (Zoila?) so she didn't need or use the Roomba anymore. Score!

I dusted it off, ordered some new filters and figured out how to program it. There is no sound on earth more joyous than the sound of your robot vacuum cleaner starting up all by itself. It sings a little song! Then, while you laze on the couch watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off, your robotic mollusk just tootles around and does all the housework for you. It's GRAND.

Kenny loves it too but points out that the company that makes Roomba also makes warfare robots for the military, so we should keep a close eye on it in case it decides to turn on us when the man vs robot uprising happens.

I was thinking about naming it Norman. Or maybe Doodlebug. Something like that.

Here's what's great about living in the south:

2009-11-08T15:49:00.004-05:00

It's November and it's sunny and 75 degrees outside today. It felt like late spring, but with lots of autumn leaves, giving the woods a completely beautiful golden glow:

The leaves also soften the trail and make it slippery, so it's a slightly different type of riding than in midsummer, but still, short sleeve biking! I'll take it.

We started out with a fairly large group and eventually it became four of us - Paula and Frank and me and Kenny.

We got to check out the newly-rehabbed lake in Forest Hill, which looks amazing. The lake was originally a big focus in the park, but in recent years had been allowed to dry up and trees and brush took over. This past year a team worked diligently to dredge out all the dirt and junk and refill it. You can see before and after photos here. It's going to look freaking fantastic next spring. I'm really happy the park is getting the love it deserves.

Anyway, the ride was great. The weather was great. Now I'm going to sit on my ass awhile and watch my Roomba vacuum. Man, I love that robot, even if it is secretly collecting information for the Man vs Robot takeover.

Teenage Humiliation: fresh as the day it was born.

2009-11-07T12:28:00.002-05:00

Oh God. Do you ever have one of those moments where you're saying something really stupid and you have a kind of out-of-body experience where you think, Wow, I'm really embarrassed for that person talking. and then you realize, HEY. THAT'S ME.

So, I just got back from the grocery store. I looked good, hair freshly done, cute outfit, feeling okay. In Richmond you just never know who you'll run into at the grocery store, so best to be looking awesome if possible. Anyway, I saw this guy in passing and I was all, wow, that looked just like the Punk Rock Pirate.

Time to back up a bit, I guess. I spent my entire freshman year of college completely, crazy, stupid, embarrassingly besotted with this guy Woodrow. All my friends knew it, he knew it and his best friend, who was kind of a dick, also knew it. His best friend was named Chris, but we all called him the Punk Rock Pirate, because that's what he looked like. We didn't mean it to be a compliment.

Woodrow was not a dick luckily and suffered my longing gazes with an ease I can only imagine came with a long history of, "it's okay, I'm used to it." (Seriously, if you could have seen this guy you would understand. Think Johnny Depp during his 21 Jump Street days. Hubba)

Anyway, Woodrow and I eventually became friends after my friend Ashley couldn't take it anymore and forced me to talk to him. It seemed cruel at the time but in retrospect it was probably for the best. He was a nice guy but the Punk Rock Pirate only ever just tolerated me.

SO, I'm in the grocery store and I see the Punk Rock Pirate. Or at least, I think it's him. He got in line behind me and I got a good look and was all, DAMN. TOTALLY HIM. So I said,

"Hey! I know you, right?"

What I should have said was nothing.

Oh, it gets worse. He looked at me blankly and said,

"Oh really? From where?"

My smooth reply,

"You know, from back in the day - the Village, VCU. You're Chris, right?"

"Uhh, yeah. What's your name?"

At this point I should have just stopped, fled or perhaps made fun of him by telling him we used to call him the Punk Rock Pirate. But no. Why stop at the humiliation of not even being remembered at all? NO. It was past the point of return because I said,

"I'm Adrien. You remember, I had a big crush on your friend Woodrow for my entire freshman year?"

Dawning recognition,

"Oooh, okay... I think I remember you."

Dying inside,

"Hahaha, it was my horrible claim to fame."

WTF, Adrien. What does that even mean?

"Uhh, yeah I guess."

"OKAYWELLBYETHEN!"

And I fled. Please kids, the next time you're in this situation remember, YOU CAN SAY NOTHING.

*No names have been changed in this entry because, really, what's the point?

Because who doesn't like (goth) stuff?

2009-11-06T12:37:00.007-05:00

Wow, I'm not even a week in and I'm already backing away from my promise to tell you "little stories" and shit. But, today is Friday and I like Friday for all it's possibilities. A whole weekend awaits! To help your wait move on a little faster, I'm gonna make Friday the day I tell you about Stuff I Like. Here goes:

Urban Decay 24/7 eyeliner. This is the shit. Now, I know, I know, Urban Decay is that gothy brand that's all about the glitter and whatnot, but I am already a complete slave to the Primer Potion and now I love the 24/7 liner just as much. Sure, they have crazy glam-rock colors, but they also have subtle shimmery taupe and plum and brown. I recently got the taupe-y color called Underground:

And man, I love this stuff. You put it on, smudge it a bit and then it sets and stays for the entire freaking day. And it makes my brown eyes look real pretty. That's all I ask, really.

Russell Brand. Oh my God, where has he been all my life? I remember being simultaneously confused-by and amused-with him while watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall but recently we rented Russell Brand in New York City and...wow. No words. Just rent it, put the kids to bed (and close the door. And lock it.) and watch it. Give him a few minutes because at first you're like, "Uh. Um, dude. What?" and the next thing you know you're crying with laughter and simultaneously trying to figure out how to email him. I even watched the DVD Special Features and I never do that.

Her Fearful Symmetry. I finished reading this a week or two ago and it's still hanging with me. Just a really lovely and dark modern ghost story - it starts out kind of normal and just spirals down in to weird in a really terrific way. Read it immediately.

Somehow this has become the goth edition of Stuff I Like. In that case, can I talk about my new boots? I found them on eBay for a ridiculously tiny amount of money because the seller had no idea they retail for $600 new. They are made of the softest glove leather and fit me like they were custom made:

That's right, nerds! Those are perfect boots. PERFECT. I apologize to eBay for all the besmirching I did yesterday because these boots are now in my life. (However, the stupid auction questions continue. Oh my baby Jesus do people ask stupid questions.)

That's all. Come back tomorrow for more fun and excitement.

Another groundbreaking observation.

2009-11-05T15:03:00.003-05:00

eBay is just so damn weird. I mean, shit yeah, I buy a lot of stuff from eBay and make out like a bandit. $600 Brazilian glove-soft leather boots for $80? Hell yeah. The best vintage jewelry pliers I've ever owned for $3.00? And stupid stuff, like Roomba filters and iPod adapters for pennies! I love to buy on eBay and I used to love to sell, but selling now sucks. The fees are higher, you can't (as a seller) leave negative feedback and now the kids are treating it like it's a store. You're expected to have a return policy these days. Hell, if I wanted the thing back I wouldn't be selling is on freaking eBay. Also, you're expected to jump through hoops, model shit and patient answer dumb questions.

And oh, the dumb questions. Take, for example, the question I got about a pair of boots I'm selling:

Any chance you could get a picture of the boots with jeans tucked in just so I could get a rough look of what it looks like on?

Well, huh. Let me think about that CREEPY BOOT FETISH PERSON. Or, if you're not a creepy fetish person, why not do what the rest of us do and use your imagination?

I also got this question:

Do you know what the calf size is?

Well, yes. Yes I do. Please see the section called "description." Now, look for the words "calf measurement" and I think you'll find what you're looking for.

I also sold a bag recently and wrote at length about how the only visible wear was on the corners. I included giant color photos of the corners, just to be clear. Though apparently, not clear enough:

in your photos there is some wear shown on the bag. I cannot tell where the wear is located on the bag. Is it in a bottom corner? I am guessing that is the the location. Is it noticeable from the front or rear?

Oh, sigh. HEAVY SIGH.

Nine Years

2009-11-04T12:31:00.006-05:00

Nine years ago today I woke up and got dressed and ate breakfast and married my husband. I remember not being nervous at all because why would I be? I was marrying the best guy in the world and it was the surest thing I'd ever done in my life. Nine years later (or thirteen and a half, depending on how you look at it), I can say the best decision I ever made was to gather up the courage to call him up and ask him out on a date.

For your enjoyment, here's a blurry iPhone photo of the wedding picture I have on my desk:

We got married in my sister's living room - a tiny ceremony with only our closest friends and family. Afterwards my most excellent friend Ashley provided a beautiful reception with hot tea, and treats and bowls of white Jordan almonds. There were hydrangeas on the mantelpiece, thanks to her and I love that image even now. I was hopeless back then when it came to any kind of decoration but thankfully I have my Ashley and she made it look effortless. Still does, in fact. I think if I thank her one more time, though, she'll kill me dead. Now that's what I call a friend.

So there you go. Nine years of marriage and in the words of my friend Emily, "I like him pretty good."

PS. In case you want more dirty squash action, please to read this.

My favorite hour.

2009-11-03T10:50:00.006-05:00

Well, that was refreshingly dirty of me, huh? For today I think I'm going to tell you a little bit about my favorite way to spend a lunch break in the fall and winter months. When it's warm and classes aren't in session I can sit and read at one of the umbrella-shaded tables outside on the library patio. These tables are popular though, so once the students are back it's really hard to find a free seat and when you do you're usually next to a table full of kids who don't understand that just because you're outside doesn't mean you need to use your Outside Voice.

OH, YOUR NEW SWEATER IS REALLY ITCHY AND YOUR ROOMMATE IS A BITCH? THAT IS FASCINATING.

These kids today have voices like megaphones, no lie.

Because I'm a special flower who just can't tone it all out, I retreat to the most magical of places: The Cellphone-Free Quiet Zone. Yes! They have an entire huge study room in the library just for being fucking quiet in. It's the best. Also! You're allowed to bring in food and drink from the coffee shop downstairs.

(I have to interject to say that initially the idea of Food In The Library made me a little uncomfortable. Isn't that a Rule-Rule? Right up there with Don't Litter and Don't Kill People? But even as a strict rule-follower, I got over this one pretty fast.)

And get this: the magic quiet room is full of big comfy wing back chairs with footrests. I am not even kidding. Sometimes I go in there and just take a little nap, but mostly I hunker down with my tea and maybe a treat and read for the whole hour. It's a really good hour and the view isn't bad either:

When the hour is up I walk back to my office and sometimes I take photos of the campus because it's the prettiest place in town:

Spicy!

2009-11-02T14:02:00.003-05:00

I took Friday off because, hey, why not have a long weekend just for the hell of it? It was everything I had hoped it would be. The best part is when you're browsing in a store or getting your hair cut or sitting on the couch at 10am in monkey pajamas and think, "If I was playing by the rules I'd be...still sitting at my desk." Haha. I still did my Friday-after-work (or in this case Friday-after-bike-ride) grocery trip because weekend supplies were needed.

I was making butternut squash risotto for dinner Saturday night so I went looking for a sizeable squash and wow, did I find it. There was only one left and I GOT IT. The butternut to end all butternuts! I gasped, I hefted, I took it's photograph immediately:

RIGHT? I mean, how is it possible that this is the squash everyone else passed over? It was like a sign from...somewhere good. I rushed home and before all the groceries were even in the door I was all, "OMGKENNYCOMELOOKCOMELOOKYLOOKYOMG!" Then I decided I needed to take a more formal portrait in order to really preserve the moment so put it next to one of my other favorite food items; a tableau if you will:

Gosh, isn't it something? Overcome by art, are you?

Then I cut it up, roasted the hell out of it and rolled it in with some risotto. And we ate it. The end.

And away we go...

2009-11-01T14:39:00.005-05:00

What the hell is wrong with me? Did I really just commit myself to this? And me, in the Worst Mood Ever. I'm having one of those days where everything I do seems to perpetuate more stupidity. I try to clean the kitchen and seem to make more of a mess with every jesture. I finally just gave up. It's a cold, rainy Sunday and even though I had Friday off and the rest of the weekend was fun and productive, I'm still all grumpass.

I told you guys I was going to tell little real-life stories this month (which is pretty much what I do anyway, I guess) but I don't know how realistic that is. I've been pretty actively trying to avoid, you know, Food Lion and the like and that's where all the best stories come from. I guess I need to start hanging out there and get some real crazy down on my ass.

Anyway.

So, Halloween. I've been thinking about Halloween lately and how I really love the idea of it, the delight people take in celebrating the darkside. Death, spookiness and the macabre, all the things most people try to ignore, but on one day a year we celebrate it all up and down. How great is that? No peace on earth, no thankfulness, just candy and skulls and crazy-ass costumes.

On Friday night I was at the grocery store and I looked up and some woman was casually shopping the produce section dressed as a skeleton. Nobody even batted an eye, it was great. That part makes me happy. (And candy. Trick or treating is the best, even though we only got two non-costumed kids this year. What is that about?)

So, why don't I actually want to do it myself? I don't really get all that excited anymore about costuming myself and going out on Halloween. In fact, the idea of costumes just stresses me out because I can't just buy a costume, oh no. I have to MAKE a costume. I have to have a concept and then the next thing you know I'm spraypainting and constructing and it's all out of control. That's just what happens when you're the child of artist parents. I mean, how else would this have happened?

Yes, that's me in an owl costume - my dad made the mask and my mother sewed the costume part. Maybe 1st grade? I don't even remember. Anyway, you're welcome.

NaBlahPoMo

2009-10-26T14:31:00.003-04:00

Hey! It's me. I've been all kinds of slack lately but I'm going to fix that. That's right, nerds, I'm commiting to do that NaBloPoMo thingy this year. YEAH. 30 days of bullshit from me. But, to prevent my head from exploding, I think I'm just going to tell a little slice-of-life story every day. Nothing too taxing or ridiculously detailed, just a little daily story from my average existence. Like, for instance, yesterday:

Kenny and I decided to ride over to the secret little park that's tucked between the neighborhood next to ours and the highway. Great trails that nobody ever rides. We were headed down towards the end of the cul-de-sac where the park gate is located when I heard a loud rustling sound coming from the yard to the left of us. We slowed down and watched with mouths agape as a fully-antlered buck burst out of the yard, galloped across the street right in front of us and dove into the yard on our right. Kenny and I looked at each other, momentarily speechless, and then I said,

"Damn, that was a really big dog."

Stuck in a Moment

2009-10-02T13:21:00.006-04:00

So hey, we went to the U2 concert last night in Charlottesville, having managed to score tickets a mere two weeks ago. I really don't generally dig the big stadium show but U2 is one of those bands that's quietly been sneaking up on me for the past ten years and once I got the idea in my head I couldn't bear to not go.

Now, I've always liked U2 and I know a lot of people are all, yeah, I liked U2, but I am here to tell you this: their last three albums are outstanding and if you haven't bothered to listen you are missing out.

Also: Larry is the hot one.

So, here are a bunch of bad iPhone photos:

This is THE CLAW:

It totally looked like it was about to come to life and clank it's way out of there. Incidentally, right before the band came on they played Bowie's Space Oddity and I died right there on the spot.

See up there?

That dude PEED ON THE CROWD. The police were called. People were angry. We were gleeful in our outrage and made friends by discussing the various ways we would've dismembered that guy if he'd peed on us.

The 360 LED screen was really fucking cool:

And now it's today and I have to say, by comparison? Today sucks. There's no giant disco ball, no stretchy giant screen, no moonlit Larry Mullen, Jr.

Screw today, last night was magnificent.

Just Can't Get Enough.

2009-09-15T14:31:00.003-04:00

Okay, I wasn't going to write about this at all because I'm not usually the TMI girl and nobody really cares about the state of my area but me, right? However, there are always exceptions to the rule and this is mine. The punchline of this particular scenario is great and I'm always willing to humiliate myself to entertain you lot, so I'm going to go there. You've been warned, so don't be all, "ew! TMI!" or I will never speak to you again. I mean it.

Here goes:

So a few weeks ago I was testing out a couple of different bike saddles because my old one was completely shot. This is not something I love to do because there are eighty billion different kinds of saddles and the Internets are no help, as everyone SWEARS BY this one and ABSOLUTELY LOVES this other one and the next review will be the complete opposite. It's a personal thing, a bike saddle.

I tried one with the center cut-out thingy and it seemed, fine, really comfortable. I rode it again later in the week and the next day my entire area was NOT HAPPY. I blamed the saddle. I was...really sore. Things hurt. I was peeing a lot. You see where this is going?

After a couple of days I realized this was not saddle-soreness but instead something else completely. I thought maybe an UTI but I've never had on and had heard they were excruciating. I was not excruciated, just really uncomfortable. I did exactly what you're not supposed to do: I went online to self-diagnose. An hour later I was completely convinced I had: a) Interstitial cystitis, b) a tumor or c) some not-yet-discovered S-T-D that had lain dormant since college. Damn hell tarnation.

I finally went to the 24-7 urgent care place because I figured I should maybe first find out if I had a UTI. I went on labor day and tried not to touch anything because everyone else in the place had pig flu. It was a germ factory, that place. My doctor was a weird little man who seemed as confused by my symptoms as I was. I peed in a cup and a while later the computer spit out my results - a very, very mild UTI. So mild he wasn't going to give me antibiotics. Oh, and that will be $25, please.

Well, FINE then. Thanks for not helping. I guess we're just supposed to hope this clears up by itself and doesn't turn into kidney failure? Whatever, fine. (I really need a real doctor, I know, but I generally only get sick on holidays and Sunday evenings, so what's a real doctor going to do for me?)

After that, the symptoms started getting weird. I had tenderness in the upper portion of my legs, which is not where you're supposed to be tender when you have an UTI. Then I noticed the Weird Patches. Gah! I had weird bumpy itchy patches of skin right at the very tippy-top of my butt (you know, right where lower back ends and crack begins.) I couldn't get a good look at it and called for Kenny's help. This was NOT good. OMG OMG OMG I was clearly diseased and going to die.

Kenny took a look, squinted, and looked again. (This is a perfect place to mention that the other night Kenny announced that he was going out in the backyard with his telescope to, "Look for Uranus." I offered to save him a trip and drop my pants right there, which, surprisingly, he did not take me up on. Later he came back and I asked, "So, how was it?" "Pretty small." "Huh, well I could have told you that.")

So, Kenny took a close look at my spreading butt disease and gave me his diagnosis:

Poison Ivy.

Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me. LIKE I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH GOING ON DOWN THERE. How did that even happen? How did I get poison ivy on a portion of my anatomy that never sees the light of day? Anyway, he was right, but I'm happy to report that all that action has since cleared up. My area hasn't seen this much action since...wow. You really think I'm going to finish that sentence? Nosy creeps.

PS. if you just can't get enough of me, here's a new entry on my bike blog.

Just throw it on the pile with the rest.

2009-09-04T14:00:00.001-04:00

You might remember that back in March I took my car in for an inspection and oil change and it ended up costing me $1,300. Woo! That was awesome because that $1,300 was just burning a hole in my pocket don't you know. Or it would have been if I'd had $1,300.

Anyway, I realized this week that I'd not had an oil change since then, so I took it in. Guess how much this oil change cost? Oh, guess! I'll wait.

Fucking $1,100. I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING. And you know what? Last time this happened I cried at my desk. This time I just rolled my eyes to the heavens because OF COURSE I needed new rear struts and and my throttle body air intake needed cleaning. It was like the 19th Duggar baby, just one more for the giant pile of modestly dressed, claw-banged bullshit. What can you do?

So, yeah, that's been my week and I've been coping by eating my way right through it. Today I brought leftovers for lunch and when lunchtime rolled around I dutifully walked down to the (completely disgusting) work fridge to retrieve it. I took one look at my congealed sesame noodles and sad limp broccoli and fled. I ran and ran and ran until I got to Five Guys. Yeah, I had a burger and fries. It was probably a mistake, but I feel very serene now. And slightly bloated.

Have a good weekend, all.

Camp, Year Five

2009-08-31T15:06:00.013-04:00

I didn't mean to take a blogcation, but my post-vacation ennui became a I-can't-believe-summer-is-over depression which lead right into the busiest time of year at work. But I suck, because Camp was nearly a month ago and I've not yet posted a thing. That is slack even for me.

Better late than never, right?

The trip down to Knoxville was pretty uneventful except that my old car seemed to have a new and potent vibration that ran through both the steering wheel and the gas pedal and made me vibrate too. Tolerable for a short distance, but tiresome after seven hours, for real. Oh, and I drove through a crazy storm:

I made good time and met Marianne at her parent's amazing house with a view that cannot be described. Jaw-dropping.

I was greeted by a pony-sized Great Dane who bashed his head lovingly into my stomach several times. After I picked myself up off the floor, I made a nice fuss over him. Aw.

Also, aw, Lulu! I finally got to meet Marianne and Chris's lovely little girl, who was a fabulous Camper, even though she can't make cocktails (yet.)

She's cute asleep...

And awake!

We met up with Lisa and Matt, at the Dancing Bear Lodge, where Matt was staying for the weekend while Lisa hung out with us. Dinner was incredible and afterwards we went out on the deck and made s'mores around the outside fireplace while watching the bats swoop around overhead. Yay!

Afterwards we headed to the cabin to wait for the late arrivals - Jessica and Emily. The cabin is so familiar to me now that it was like coming home - nothing changed, as if I had only been gone a few days, not a whole year.

Jessica and Emily arrived and we all caught up before heading to bed, dreaming about the 10 or so pounds of bacon that Emily and Marianne bought. BACON:

The weekend was glorious - the weather perfect, the boat in good order, and something awesome and new! A tube to tow behind the boat. Emily and I took charge of that project:

I DID A DONUT DIDDY:

Lisa was a fine captain after we forced her to drive the boat:

I did not, repeat, did NOT blow out the plumbing this year. Just wanted to let y'all know.

Burgers were made, games were played, we ate way too much candy, drank way too much everything, and sincerely had a great time.

The last night was spent at Marianne's house and we went out to dinner at a local Mexican place and I accidentally over-ordered:

Dang, the combo plate there is quite a production. A production involving four plates.

I was feeling poorly on Sunday, and I thought it was just allergies. Unfortunately I woke up Monday with a cold. Ugh. Chris, who'd helped me get my car looked at drove me down to the garage to pick it up so I could drive home. The tires got rotated which helped quite a bit with the vibration issue.

The drive home was grueling. You know how when you have a cold you just want to close your eyes and drool on yourself? Yeah, you can't so much do that when you have 450 miles of highway time ahead of you. Thank god for Stephen King and books on CD. Duma Key totally saved my ass.

I made it home by 6pm and fell onto the couch, where I stayed for the next two days. It was worth it.

The End...until next year.

Internet Dork Camp - Redux

2009-08-04T12:42:00.005-04:00

In a few days I'll be leaving to drive to Knoxville for the fifth year of Internet Dork Camp. To celebrate this momentous occasion, I've dragged out all my previous blog entries about it:

2008

2007

2006

The first year, 2005, was documented but Diaryland ate all the photos because I stopped giving them money. So, just for you three cats who read this blog, I've completely restored and reposted the original entry from 2005:

Internet Dork Camp

Thursday, Jul. 07, 2005 @ 4:44 p.m.

I am back from Internet Dork Camp and man, let me tell you, it pretty much ruled. It ruled so much more than your weekend. It ruled a lot. It was a seriously great group of women, all of whom I know from online (none of whom was named LaFawnda) and, while I still love technology, I love these girls more:

Marianne was the instigator and hostess with the mostest and she let us stay in her grandmother's awesome cabin on a lake complete with seventies-era decor. The cabin had this huge deck overlooking the lake and was just amazing:

The weekend was spent in the best way possible: eating, drinking, lounging, drinking, reading tabloids, boating, drinking, talking shit, boating while drinking:

swimming and eating some more. We also laughed and laughed like monkeys. It was that kind of weekend. We did go out the first night and during out travels we saw this amazing clown painting:

It was glittery y'all. GLITTERY. By the way, that look on my face is fear, not glee.

Our dear hostess also got semi-molested by a Neil Diamond impersonator after we convinced him it was her bachelorette party:

We spent a lot of time in the boat and in the water. Here I am pretending to be the best first mate ever:

And here some of us are in the water after being told about the freshwater sharks:

One thing I found amazing but didn't get a picture of was the most gigantic millipede I have ever seen. It was so big it was practically prehistoric and was just tootling around on the outside stairs. According to Emily it looked "Like a banana with legs, y'all." I am easily impressed by wildlife.

On Sunday night we set fireworks off into the water. It's extremely satisfying to watch things blow up underwater. I didn't even know you could do that:

We did not by any means have a girlie pillow fight in our frilly nighties, though you're welcome to think so if it makes you feel better.

So now I'm back in the real world and it's not nearly as much fun. To continue my summer trend of never updating, I'm off work next week and probably won't bother. However, that might change because Keen Designs is going to the Hanover Tomato Festival and I'm pretty sure the Crazy is planning on attending as well. (It totally did. -ed.) I'll probably have some stories I need to tell.

Yes, Kenny and I have taken next week off so we can watch the mountain stages of the Tour de France at our leisure while we eat breakfast. We don't have much planned for the week, which makes me happy. Kenny did mention painting the outside trim on the house which I though was a funny, funny joke. Oh, that Kenny!

Wednesday FAIL

2009-07-31T09:24:00.002-04:00

Wednesday was one of those days when nothing works, nothing at all. I spent the day at my desk feeling cranky and headachey (read: normal day) but happily looking forward to my riding lesson that night. Thunderstorms were in the forecast but whatever, I want to ride that horse. At 5pm I suited up: lightweight horse-snot-proof shirt, breeches, tall boots that require extra equipment to get on and off, the whole thing. I was ready to go. I got in the car and called my instructor to see what the weather was like out there. She called the barn and called me back, "It looks like the storms are rolling in!" We rescheduled because horses and thunder do not mix. Also not mixing: me being the tallest thing in the field when the lightening strikes.

I was already halfway to the gym and had my gym bag in the back seat, so I decided to go work out even though it was probably the last thing I was in the mood for. I got there and parked and then realized, damn, I'm dressed like a jackass. I can NOT walk in there like I'm about to ride in the Kentucky Derby. Plus, my boots kind of smell. I finally decide to split the difference and at least take off the boots, but the breeches I couldn't do anything about. I stood next to my car with my boot jack and started to pry those puppies off and some guy walked by, looked at me and snickered. Dude almost got a boot jack in the head but lucky for him I needed it to get my other boot off.

So, I march into the gym wearing leather kneepatch breeches and sneakers. White hot.

Normally I use the gym on campus during the week because the other one I belong to is way too crowded during the week. And yeah, it was way freaking crowded on Wednesday night too. I'm used to being there on Saturday morning when there are the same three dudes in the weight room instead of scores of douchebags with truly unfortunate tattoos.

Every piece of equipment was being used. Every square inch of mirror was being used. Everywhere I wanted to be was full of someone else's bullshit. There was also lot of that thing where the pert blonde girl follows a trainer around and he makes her do tricep work with 3lb barbie weights. It was terrible and didn't help my mood.

I squeeze my way into the weight room and found a narrow space free of douchebag and started to do my bar warmup. Then I felt it. The Gaze of Ick. I seriously felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and whipped my head around to find the source. There he was, that SUPER creepy dude who looks like a chinless turtle and wears his sunglasses inside. He looks exactly like he'd kidnap you and keep you in a box in his basement. It put the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again! Now he was looking at me and it skeeved me out so bad I decided that maybe I'd just go...do anything else somewhere he was not.

I tried. I tried to finish my workout but it was all just too much and I was TIRED. Weary. Skeeved. I went home and found Kenny staring perplexed at a wall bike rack he'd bought that didn't actually work at all for our full-suspension frame bikes. He tried, though.

"Well, we can hang your bike on the top part if we take off the front tire and mine can just rest underneath."

"Um, so what you're saying is that it's $70 worth of FAIL."

"Well, yeah..."

PS. It didn't actually ever rain.

It looks good, thanks for asking!

2009-07-28T15:45:00.002-04:00

I just got back from getting my hair cut and it was the highlight thus far of my day. Terrifying receptionist aside, it's really a very nice place. They will bring you a drink and then I get my hair washed and my scalp massaged. Then I chat with my stylist about trashy TV while she cuts. I walk out of there feeling cute, get an iced tea from Starbucks (Hey, fuck off, Starbucks iced tea is awesome. It has crack in it.) which I needed because the minute I got back in my car I wanted to crawl into the back seat and take a nap. I didn't sleep last night and I don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of this day.

Or, maybe I did sleep, but I think it was probably in fifteen minute increments because I felt like I was awake all night and every time I started to doze off I'd jolt awake, my heart racing. Now, before you start pointing your pointy finger at the caffeine, I've pretty much cut out all caffeine from my life aside from the mug of coffee I worship with breakfast but it doesn't seem to make a damn bit of difference. I sleep or I don't sleep. I don't seem to have much control over it.

Sunday night there was a horrific thunder storm in the middle of the night and it did wake me up, but only long enough for me to acknowledge it and fall solidly back asleep, lightening and thunder be dammed. But last night was quiet, my sheets were crisp, the temperature was neither too hot nor too cold and I was AWAKE BECAUSE OMG MY BRAIN WILL NOT TURN OFF.

Do you know the kind of things my brain likes to obsess about in the middle of the night? Not good things. Not boots or kittens or dessert. No, it likes to work through every bad thing I've ever done, every bit of guilt I've ever felt, every slight I've ever caused and MAGNIFY it into OH MY GOD territory.

It's...not restful.

Sorry, were you waiting for my point? I don't have one. Just that I'm tired and kind of grumpy and might have given the mail guy the finger behind his back for no reason. I'm really not a nice person today.

Related, if you aren't listening to This American Life, please at least listen to this one.

Mike Birbiglia has a jackal problem.

It's Business Time.

2009-07-23T16:02:00.005-04:00

Sorry I've been slack about updating. I've been fairly busy with my vacation withdrawal and related workplace ennui. The first week back was so hard - everything was so bright and immediate, nothing at all like the smooth ease of being completely lazy and sloth-like. I'm always amazed at how quickly my sleep schedule changes when I have a week off, and just my schedule in general. But now I'm back and as an added bonus I had to travel up to DC on Monday for a non-profit-research-related class.

Now, let me just start with this: I don't travel much, especially for work, so it really messes me up. I get anxious and cranky and worry that things will go wrong. I was also not really looking forward to getting up at 4am to catch the 6am train. I do like the train, I just don't like having to catch it when it's still nighttime and I should be asleep.

But I did it. I got up at the crack of dawn and made myself presentable and drove myself in the dark of morning to the saddest place in the world, the Richmond train station. Now, we have a beautiful big fancy old station downtown (which I think might be back in business for the high-speed thingy only?) but most of the trains go through this pile of sadness:

(I filched this photo from Flickr! It ain't mine. Hopefully nobody will bust me.)

Right? It's awful. Inside it's just like a Greyhound station, all brown tile and despair. I usually hightail it out to the patio to wait because at least it's outside, even though its where all the smokers are hanging out.

The station in Ashland is the cutest:

And the Fredericksberg station isn't bad either (or as least the view from):

Anyway, the train was on time to the second and I scored a suite of facing seats so I could put my feet up, fire up the iPod and zone out. It was not the worst place to spend two hours. I got into DC a little after 8am and that's when things got rough. I had to navigate the Metro at rush hour. The DC Metro is really pretty easy, but not when I'm not being pushed around by hoards of impatient people all GO GO GO. Gah! It was rough but I just hung back and tried not to get in anyone's way. Those commuters will cut a bitch. I got my farecard, got to the right train and off I went.

I made the class with a minute to spare and settled into the empty back row. Each row was three seats at a slim 6' table, so I was hoping to be the only one on my row. Hahaa. The woman who sat next to me was friendly and all, but really do you usually sit back with your hands behind your head and elbows all askew when someone you don't know is sitting right next to you? Yeah, me either. Thanks for showing me your pits, lady. She also moved her seat wayyyy over my way so I was perched at the very corner, trying to take notes without my paper falling off the edge. Ugh, but that wasn't the worst of it, by far.

She had this incredibly annoying habit of responding to everything the instructor said, as if they were having a one-on-one conversation. It was like this:

Instructor: "Your mission is what is important to the corporation."

Lady: "Mm-hm! Yes it is."

Instructor: "It's important to know your board and know what kind of connections and relationships you can use to find the right corporations."

Lady: "Mm-hm, mmmm-hm!"

Oh my God. It was insane. She did that in response to nearly everything he said for the entire eight hours. I wanted to lean over and hiss: "HE CAN'T HEAR YOU BUT I CAN." She also enjoyed answering rhetorical questions, but that's not really surprising, considering.

The class was endless but by 4pm we were done. I had a 5:50 train to catch back home, so I went to Union station and skulked around until I was able to pick up some free Wi-Fi and caught up on my interneting. Now, Union Station is a TRAIN STATION. That is what I'm talking about. It's full of shops and food and weirdness and has some really good people watching, though the bathrooms could not be more disgusting.

I finally boarded the train home and magically managed to place myself in the same car as a bunch of shrill 9 year old boys and their parents, who all seemed to have endless cellphone calls to make. I picked up and fled after ten minutes and walked into the next car which was...nirvana. It was a Quiet Car, with signs everywhere telling people to shut the hell up. Perfection. I had a blissfully quiet ride home and was back on my couch by 8:30pm. The end.

Vacation Travelogue

2009-07-07T21:51:00.008-04:00

Wanna know what we've been doing? Do ya? DO YA? Sure you do. I'm too relaxed to bother with much typing, but I have a ton of boring photos for you.

On Saturday, we went to Kate's parents place to play in their pool and enjoy the Fourth. Wine was drunk. A dramatic reading of "Ludlow Kissel and the Dago Bomb" was performed. Here's a photo of the view from their new back porch:

And, because my priorities are so out of wack, the only other photo I took was of their new Wolf range, which I may have inappropriately fondled:

Damn, it's pretty.

Sunday it rained, so I shopped. A lot. Shoes.

Monday we were all touristy and went to Monticello. It was beautiful out and the garden was so gorgeous I nearly fell out:

A fine row of tomacco.

I swear, it looked just like that! We didn't mess with the photos at all.

Tourists.

Today we rode our bikes at Freedom Park in Williamsburg (the non-colonial part, which is all strip mall outlets and scary dolls shops. Sad.) We rode there last year so I won't go on about it except to say that it's a lot of fun. Here's a dorky bike photo, though, so Tuesday doesn't feel left out:

Vacation Ahoy.

2009-07-02T10:22:00.004-04:00

Yes, I'm nine hours away from having ten days off IN A ROW. I mentally checked out, oh, around Tuesday, but now I'm clock-watching and hour-counting and completely pissed off that I have to spend my lunch hour at the dentist office. My crown suddenly feels...higher? It ain't right, so I have to get it rejigged. Fun.

But, next week I'm OFFFFFF. In the grand tradition of the staycation, we're staying put. We have no money for fancy gallivanting, so we're going to just have fun at home. We'll probably take the bikes somewhere interesting, we'll definitely be going to see some movies (my first priority is to see Moon, which is directed by Duncan Jones, AKA David Bowie's son. Since I more or less helped pay for that boy's college education, I'd like to see if my investment has paid off. Also: Sam Rockwell. Woo.)

We'll also be doing some eating of unhealthy foods, some sleeping too late, and some slothful sitting around and drinking. I'm really looking forward to it. For those of you who've been slogging through my blog entries for years, you're probably wondering why I'm not heading off to Knoxville right about now, eh? Well, my friend Marianne who hosts Internet Dork Camp had a baby this spring, so we're going in August instead. Gotta give her new daughter time to learn how to make a perfect margarita, don't you know.

I might update with photos of my sloth next week and I might not. In the meantime, please feel free to check out my entry about last Sunday's bike race. Or don't. Nobody reads that stuff anyway. I'm used to it.

Another Boring Entry sponsored by iPhone.

2009-06-23T15:23:00.004-04:00

Hi y'all. I had Friday off, so woo, long weekend! Kenny and I decided to start the day off right with a giant diner breakfast, so we drove over to the local diner and I took photos.

Here's a really cute tiny office building tucked into the shopping center:

And here's our final destination:

And our BREAKFAST:

Nom. (Claudia, the bacon is a figment of your imagination.)

After all that we went for a bike ride so we don't end up being filmed from the neck down for the next local news segment about obesity. (Have you ever thought how horrible it would be to be watching the news and see YOURSELF being used as a prime example of how fat America is? I would die. I wish they wouldn't do that to people. Anyway, digression.)

Here I am on the trail in my new Twin Six jersey. I'm not sure why I'm making that face. Probably bacon-related.

After the ride I got to hang out with my friend Ashley who was in town from Chicago. Sadly, I didn't take any photos of her but I did make her nearly vomit with laughter by telling her all about my mother's complete obsession with Ad@m L@mbert. Hand to God, she bought TWO issues of the Rolling Stone magazine with him on the cover. Oh, Mom.

Later we did a little shopping and managed to fill giant bags full of bulk-bin candy from For the Love of Chocolate (aka the best store in town.) I swear to God, it's like I WANT to be on the local news or something. Still, where else can you get gummis shaped like chicken feet?

On Saturday I went out to my sister's house to celebrate Red's birthday and also my sister's birthday. Red actually smiled for a photo, but only when I begged:

The cake was a masterpiece:

Bunny cake! My mother gave my sister a copy of Ad@m LAmbert's CD for her birthday. See, I cannot make this shit up.

On Sunday I crawled across the lawn to get this photo of a real live bunny in our front yard:

I was literally belly down, crawling on my hands and knees to get a photo of a rabbit. I could probably go to PetSm@art and see some rabbits up close but this one was super-cute and in my front yard! I never get tired of the bunnies.

On Sunday I also hung out with my dad for a bit and also did some more bike-related nonsense. And then a fair amount of this kind of thing:

Big surprise. The End.

In Which Something Happened.

2009-06-18T14:35:00.006-04:00

I'm sorry, did I say it has been boring around here lately and nothing had happened? My mistake. MY MISTAKE. Don't say stuff like that because if you do things will start happening and by things I don't mean that a Hermes truck will accidentally dump a load of handbags outside your house and not notice. (God, that would be fantastic, though, right?) I mean that things will happen. Events will force you to be an adult and make decisions all by yourself that you hope are the right decisions.

So, here's what happened. Last Wednesday evening Nina and I went out to the country for our riding lesson. Everything was perfect - the weather was hot but overcast and we were eager to ride since our lesson the week before had been rained out. We saddled up and rode out to the field and started with some walk an trot practice to get warmed up. We then did a sitting trot with and without stirrups (ow) and then took turns cantering (whee!) After that we each practiced a dressage test, which is a very specific formation of moves that you would do as part of a three-day competition.

Dressage is really hard, because the idea is to make it look effortless, as if you and the horse are reading each other's minds. Ha. Really, the hardest part in riding again for me was the realization that two brains were at work instead of just one. The horses we ride are well schooled but they also know that we're amateurs and they'll definitely take advantage of the situation if they get tired of our bullshit.

After the dressage practice we took turns jumping over the little cross rails, trotting and cantering towards the jump and trying to line up perfectly so the horse would be straight on and jump through the middle. All rounds successful. Then our instructor, Kathy, raised one of the bars so it was straight across. Now, technically it wasn't really any higher - just even with where the bars had been at the end, but it looked high. It looked scary high. It was probably all of 2 feet off the ground, but the horses like to jump higher than that.

Nina begged me to go first and I did. Ticket loves to jump, so he cantered, he leapt, he didn't want to stop. Whee. Nina jumped and Hersey seemed to be in good form, cantering where he'd normally trot. I jumped again and then it was Nina's turn. She looped Hersey around and headed towards the jump, not quite straight, but there was still time to get straight before he jumped. That's when things went wrong.

At the last minute Hersey swerved out to the right of the jump and unseated Nina, then he stopped cold and she fell right off his right shoulder and hit the ground hard. She sat up briefly, said that her head hurt, and then lay back down on the ground, right between Hersey's legs. CRAP. I trotted over as quickly as I could without disturbing Hersey and dismounted. Kathy rushed over and we tried to quietly move him before he stepped on her. Nina sat up again and looked disoriented, but unhurt.

She finally stood up and walked to the edge of the field, seeming fine but definitely shaken up. She'd had a horse-riding-related concussion in high school and I knew she dreaded it happening again. Kathy took her back to the barn and I followed with the horses, concerned but not too worried at that point. It was scary to watch, but she wasn't bleeding and hadn't lost consciousness.

While I was in the barn dealing with the horses Kathy took Nina to a shady seat under the tree and got her a bottle of water. I walked over to check on her and she looked completely freaked out and confused.

"Can you tell me what happened? I don't even remember how I got here."

Oh shit. She started to cry and Kathy and I calmed her down. I got her husband Scott's phone number from her and walked away to call him, trying trying trying to stay calm. He agreed to meet me at her car (parked near work) and I managed to get Nina calm and get her in my car. By then I knew she had a concussion because she started asking me the same questions over and over again (a symptom called Perseverating, I found out later), like she was on a 3-minute memory loop. It would start with a few moments of silence and then,

"I'm afraid to say anything for fear that I'm repeating myself."

"It's okay, Nina."

"Can you tell me what happened?

"You had a fall off Hersey while jumping, but you're okay."

"And we're going to the hospital?"

"I'm taking you to Scott, he'll take you to the hospital."

Over and over and over again. occasionally she'd ask me what time it was or how long ago it had happened. She was pretty calm and seemed to feel okay, other than a headache and slight nausea. Still, I started to worry that I'd made the wrong decision. An ambulance probably would've taken too long to get out to the farm but maybe I should just take her straight to the hospital? In the end, that's what I did. I remembered where the nearest hospital was and took her to the emergency room, then called Scott to have him meet us there.

Sitting in the waiting room ramped things up considerably.

"I'm afraid to say anything for fear that I'm repeating myself."

"It's okay, Nina."

"Can you tell me what happened?

"You had a fall off Hersey while jumping, but you're okay."

"Have I been repeating myself?"

"A little bit, but that's totally normal."

"What time is it? When did this happen?"

"It's 7:30. It happened about 45 minutes ago."

"OH MY GOD. I don't remember anything!"

Then she'd lose it and cry because to her, this was freshly traumatic and new information. I'd try and calm her down and then a minute later the whole thing would happen again. Scott showed up and we tag-teamed her, jointly calming and answering, calming and answering. Scott started asking her about events that had happened earlier in the day or week and Nina had no memory of any of it, which upset her A LOT as you can imagine. we stopped doing that.

The doctor talked to her and she was taken for a CAT Scan and X-ray. She doesn't remember any of it, but I do. She was a complete trooper, because can you imagine finding yourself in a hospital and having no memory of what happened or how you got there? Now imagine that happening every three minutes. Terrifying.

I was fine, totally zen-like calm through the whole thing in the way you are when someone else is going through something traumatic. You just have to be. But once I got home I fell apart. I was so worried, so stressed, so freaked out and I hadn't been able to acknowledge any of those feelings until she was safe and in good hands. I didn't sleep very well that night, but the next day I went to the hospital and she looked so much better.

The CAT scan had come back clear which was a relief, but they kept her in the hospital for two more days, just to keep an eye on her. Apparently head injuries are cumulative, and because she'd had a bad concussion in high school, this one was worse. Unfortunately one more would be unthinkable, so she's not really allowed to ride anymore. It's heartbreaking, but not as heartbreaking as brain damage. Still, totally sucks.

Nina later said that it must have been way scarier for me and Scott, but honestly, she was really scared, she just doesn't remember it! She also doesn't remember promising to give me her Chanel bag, but I'm working on that one. Har.

Highly Cultured Morning Routine

2009-06-16T11:20:00.002-04:00

In the morning while we eat our breakfast Kenny and I watch the Today Show for the important headlines and weather and when it disentigrates into fluff/tabloid fodder, we switch over to VH-1 Classics, an addiction I know I've discussed here before. If the video is unwatchable, I then switch over to the regular VH-1 to watch whatever manufactured crap is being pushed down the throats of today's youth. Commentary ensues:

(VH-1 Classics video: Eric Clapton circa 1988ish)

"Kenny, this is one video that could actually use a goofy 80's story line."

"Wow. It's...boring."

"Yeah. Nothing like watching paint dry. Paint in a slouchy scrunched-sleeve duster coat."

"I guess it's a good song though."

"Snzzzz...wha?"

(VH-1 video: Lady G@ga, Poker Face)

stunned silence

"Can you believe she's 22 years old? She could be 16...Or 38."

"You know, anyone could be singing this. Just anyone."

"True, but they had to find someone with the right look...who is willing to walk around in public without pants."

(video, George Michael, Father Figure)

"YES! Kenny, TURN THIS UP."

"Wow. How could anyone not have known he was gay?"

"Totally. Wait! I love this part. The model gets mad and cheats with the fashion photographer. Then she throws her lipstick and says 'fuck' into the mirror. You can't hear it, but that's totally what she's saying."

"Yeah, honey. Okay."

"Look at him almost not cringing while kissing that model. He clearly loves p*ssy."

Snort

"'Wake Me Up Before you Go-Go' should have been the tipoff."

"Gayest video ever. It's my favorite. I seriously love it. I do."

"I know you do, honey."

(video: unknown current band)

"Who is that? I think I might like this song."

"Maybe the Killers? I think it might be the Killers."

"No, I don't think so. But I like it...probably because it sounds just like the Killers."

"Huh. The Airborne Toxic Event? Seriously? Kids today."

(video: Morningw0od)

"Blarrr! Morningw0od? Ugh, stupidest name ever."

"Douche rock! Woo!"

I wander off to finish getting dressed. Kenny changes the channel back to VH-1 Classics and I hear the something in the classic-southern-rock genre.

"Dirty hippies..."

"Really? Which ones?"

The End

Hair Apparent.

2009-06-09T13:22:00.006-04:00

Sorry, that's a terrible pun. But yeah, I got my hair cut today and sadly that's the most exciting thing that's happened to me in a while. It pretty much looks the same as it did before I got it cut but it's sharper and shinier:

No matter how I try I can't ever seem to make it look quite as sleek as my stylist does. The salon where I go is pretty nice (despite my having had a really bad experience the first time I ever walked in the door) but the receptionist is crazy. She's got those swirly eyes and I should have expected it, but she covers really well. I used to think she was super duper nice - she always remembered my name and that I make jewelry, and she's very VERY VERY VERY FRIENDLY. SO FRIENDLY. Warning, right?

So one day I had a conflict and realized I wouldn't be able to make my appointment the next day, so I called her to reschedule. She went from super duper friendly! to COLD CRAZY BITCH in one second flat. You would have thought I'd called up to tell her that I was currently ransacking her apartment and holding her dog for ransom. She was not pleased and made sure I knew it. Rescheduling was tough because apparently my stylist didn't have any openings for the rest of the year. Oh wait, I guess maybe this 9am Tuesday appointment is open if I could deign to find time in my CLEARLY TOO BUSY SCHEDULE.

Wah! Don't hurt me! I've been wary of her ever since.

Which is why I patiently stood at the front desk waiting to pay for a full ten minutes while she took care of what was clearly a personal phone call. She did that silent "Ooh, so sorry! One sec!" squinchy face thing at me and I just smiled gently and stayed quiet because I was afraid she'd strangle me with the phone cord if I tried to interrupt.

I know there are some people who would be all, oh no she didn't! about this but honestly, those people either a) carry guns or b) have already been killed by crazy receptionists. I really don't like baiting the crazy so I just lay low and accept the bad customer service. Clearly my life depends on it.

Medieval Times

2009-06-05T13:44:00.003-04:00

I'm lame, sorry. It's just that nothing has happened. Really, no crazy people have assaulted me, I haven't had any craft shows, I've been sleeping like a champ, I got my new toof, my riding lesson was rained out, I GOT NOTHING.

Wait, that's not quite true. As mentioned in my last entry, which apparently only two people read, I did recently inherit an iPhone and it has a camera! (Yes, sadly, my actual cellphone is so low tech that it doesn't even have a shitty camera. I mean, what cellphone these days doesn't have a shitty camera?) But my iPhone does and it's turned me into an asshole. I'll take photos of anything. Because I can! Really, it's just stupid. Here's a sampling of photos I currently have stored in my iPhone (which, I should again mention, I'm not actually using as a phone, so I should just call it something else.) Anyway:

kenny. he didn't want his picture taken. too bad.

dinner! it's what's for dinner.

fuzz. she didn't want her picture taken. too bad.

proof that I was really busy last month.

Wow. That was even more boring than I thought. There was another picture of a really gross and sweaty me posing with the lovely and pet-able horse Ticket, but I just couldn't do it. I look seriously disgusting in that photo and I'm sure you'd all thank me for NOT including it.

So, the weekend approaches. I hope to spend some time tomorrow shirking my duties and then spend some time Sunday making up for it, ie clean the sty. Last night at dinner Kenny spilled a beer (gah! Not the beer!) and when I was helping to wipe it up I accidentally wiped a bit under the edge of the couch and a horrifying clot of dust and cat hair came billowing out. I was so grossed out. How do mere mortals keep up with this stuff?

And when do people find the time to mop? I can (obviously) barely keep the place vacuumed, much less actually clean the floors. Kenny and I were talking last weekend about getting an area rug for the living room but I really think we could save our money by buying a bundle of rushes and strewing them about like in medieval times. Just give up all pretense of clean, you know? Fuck it. Rushes for everyone! Don't worry about scraping your plate, just toss it out there and the rats will do the rest. Hey, if it was good enough for the Middle Ages, it's good enough for us.

OH HAI.

2009-05-22T14:53:00.002-04:00

It's Friday! And the long weekend approaches! I don't have a lot planned, but I do hope to get some good relaxing time in. Some sitting and doing nothing time. Right now I'm in a pretty good mood. I just ate a cupcake, so there's that. And my luck seems to be turning: we closed on our refi, nothing has broken or exploded and oh, that bike race last weekend? 2nd place! I didn't even train for it. I did, however, suffer for it, as you can read for yourself if you care to.

I'm sorry I've been so bad about updating but there's just so much going on. Last weekend was an unusually social one for us. Saturday morning we got up and moseyed down to the local farmer's market, which I hadn't actually ever been to because I'm always at the gym on Saturday mornings like a good little robot.

Kenny has some old friends who have a farm and were there selling honey and homemade goat cheese. We bought some honey and also a loaf of bread and then dragged ourselves down to Brown's Island to register for the race. Then we went home, changed and got on our bikes and rode back. Race race race, ride home (bad idea, by the way. Even if you do live a few miles away from the course, don't ride down to the race because you will NOT want to ride home.) We had a late lunch and then I went to hang out with Kate for a while. We had important bead business to attend to and gossip to relay.

Saturday evening we went and hung out with some of our mountain bike friends, one of whom had just graduated. Congrats, Jay! All weekend thunderstorms had been predicted, but the weather was perfect and we spent the evening in their back yard, eating and talking. Eating and talking. Eating and talking. It was really fun and the most social we'd been in a while. No TV involved!

SLEEP. Sunday was rainy and I was glad. We puttered and I played with my fabulous new secondhand iPhone, a gift from our friend Richard. It has a cracked screen so he upgraded and I was delighted to take the old one off his hands. I probably won't actually sign up for phone service, instead I'm just digging it's wifi capabilities. Internet in the grocery store! Internet in my kitchen! EMAIL ALL THE TIME. The other night Kenny and I were simultaneously TV-watching and interneting, he on his laptop, me on my iPhone. Happy as nerdy little clams. I know.

Have a good weekend!

Friday Night's Alright for...Stuff.

2009-05-15T16:34:00.001-04:00

Sorry, I've had a lot going on lately but don't dispair! Nothing else has exploded, required great deals of money to fix or caught the swine flu lately, so things are improving. I hope. Tomorrow I thought I was just going to have a normal Saturday but my friend Paula has completely peer-pressured me into doing a bike race, which, up until last night I'd sworn I wasn't going to do, no way, no how. NO WAY, REALLY. And uh, all it took was her basically telling me I wouldn't suck in the race for me to be all, well, maybe. Fine. I'll do it.

Hmph. And damn, am I a pushover or what? Got any fences need painting? So yeah, that's tomorrow.

Sunday it's supposed to be back to cold and rainy, so I think I'll probably do some nothing and then maybe take a good long nap. OMG, SO EXCITING. THANK YOU FOR TELLING US THAT, LOSER.

Sorry, I'll try to be more interesting soon.

Cursed.

2009-05-06T13:21:00.001-04:00

So, perhaps you remember April:

- $1,400 car repair. (Okay, technically this was in March, but I'm lumping it in.)

- Emergency root canal

Add to that a really sad funeral. And then I got sick and then we paid taxes. April sucked it real hard, but here comes May, right? Right? Go May!

Meet May:

- My department at work is moved into a smaller, windowless office space. Now, instead of my nice wooden desk I'm in a cube with my back to the room. To say this makes me twitchy would be an understatement.

- Worst Craft Show Ever, in which it rains (both days), we sell almost nothing, and a crazy person yells at me. This is the show where we normally make large buckets of cash, so when people took shelter from the rain in our tent and stood with their backs to us, we knew we were in big trouble. (Just FYI: it's really very rude to stand in someone's tent and not at least pretend to look at what they're selling.)

- Kenny calls me (while at the craft show of doom) because his truck died in a parking lot. And it's for real dead, completely dead-dead not just "dead."

- It's rained every single stupid day for the past week.

I know what you're thinking, I do. You're not thinking, "Oh, that poor, sweet dear!" No, you're backing away slowly thinking, "that is just some effed up shit and she is clearly cursed and probably also have that pig flu. Get away from me, witch."

And it's okay, I would do the same if I were not me and were instead someone else who doesn't have the WORST LUCK EVER.

A Waffle Tragedy in One Act

2009-04-17T14:35:00.001-04:00

This morning Kenny toasted some Kashi waffles to go along with our usual oatmeal. I decided to save mine for my mid-morning snack and baggied it up with the rest of my lunch fixings.

At 10am when I went to retrieve it from my lunch bag (which was in the incredibly disgusting tomb of a workplace fridge) it was NOT THERE. I continued to paw frantically through my bag, deeply distressed, and a woman who works across the hall laughed at me. Laughed at me! Now, why is that funny? I told her I didn't it was funny because I WAS HUNGRY NOM. Then I ate her. Not really, but I was unamused.

I emailed my husband and told him to go ahead and eat the left-behind waffle because otherwise we'd be wasting food and that is so pre-October 2008.

Here is the email exchange:

Me: I think I left my waffle at home, which makes me sad. Please eat it if you desire.

Kenny: Don't be sad. The cats already dragged it out back and ripped it apart. Then they decide they didn't like it.

Me: Aw, dang. That is tragical.

Kenny: Bad news is the cats dragged it out back and thrashed on it for a while before dropping it in the scummy pond out of boredom.

Me: Zero respect.

Kenny: I guess I can fish it out so it will be dry when you get home.

Me: That's okay. I think it's time to set it free.

Kenny: OK.

THE END