Today has been a rough day and it started with an incident that probably wouldn't even have phased (fazed?) some people. Sure, maybe it's a testament to how sheltered I am, but fuck it. It sucked.
I was on my way to the gym, exiting the highway and in the middle of the exit ramp was the small flailing body of a recently run-over squirrel. Still alive, but probably (hopefully) not for long. I was stricken, but what the hell could I do? You can't stop on an exit and even if I could...then what? Some people would've tried to run over it for good, but I am not built that way.
I went to the gym and had a shitty workout. I felt sick and distraught and a little stupid for letting the suffering of that tiny critter affect me so strongly. But how could I not? How is a squirrel's suffering any more or less important? How do you quantify suffering?
I made it back out to my car an hour later and started crying. And crying. And crying. Crying for the tiny, flailing suffering thing. Crying for my uselessness. Crying for the unfairness and cruelty of it all. Crying because I'm sure other people drove right past and didn't give it a though. Crying because there was nothing I could do.
I'm lucky in that I have a lovely husband who understood my distress and took it seriously. But yeah, not the best day I've ever had.