Wednesday, February 27, 2008


I laughed like a hyena for the rest of the drive in to work.

Monday, February 25, 2008

You Have to Make Your Own Fun.

Every morning on my drive into work I go by a house that is festively decorated with two yard-dwelling garden gnomes. Gnomes I'd previously discussed wanting to steal. One of them, who stands on a big rock on the corner of their property, fell over into the grass two months ago.

It drives me crazy. Completely crazy insane.

I thought about, uh, "rescuing" him but again, that's "stealing" and I really don't want to get arrested for stealing a lawn ornament. (If I ever get arrested for anything, it's gonna be more interesting than that, let me tell you.)

Instead, I decided my only choice was to have the gnome send the homeowners a little note requesting he be put right. I mean, who wouldn't want mail from their garden gnome? Long tradition and all. I figured most gnome-owners will have a sense of humor. Either that, or they'll call the police. A chance I'm willing to take.

I decided it would be best to send a postcard but not just ANY postcard, a gnome postcard. Where the hell does one go to find a gnome card? Why, Etsy! Where else? So here's the evidence, just so you don't think I'm making this all up:

Scandalous drive-by shot:

We'll see what happens.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Grocery Store List.

I haven't been posting my list lately because I keep running into the same people. Last week was mostly the same (That Guy, Robert) though I did run into my mom's best friend, and, while she's nice, she doesn't really make for a great blog entry. Tonight was pretty good though. I went to my usual local grocery chain store to do the big shopping for the week and saw the following:

That Guy, as documented a few weeks ago.

Bobbi, this woman I know from the gym. She's nice enough but I get a really weird vibe off of her that I can't quite place. She's just a little awkward and therefore makes me awkward. She and I exchanged polite hellos and then we both were sort of, well, awkward about what to do next. We both continued to shop. Thankfully.

Douglas, who I worked with years ago at a gift shop in Carytown. It was a pretty awful job in a lot of ways, one of which involved the owners who were a gay couple on the verge of breakup. This does not make for a relaxing work atmosphere, let me tell you. Douglas was (still is?) the manager and he and I got along great. I still see him around, mostly at the gym.

That's it for that store. After I loaded up the groceries I drove across the street to get booze, as the local chain doesn't carry it. The Kroger is the "cool" store. If you want to run into a bunch of hipsters or perhaps your ex boyfriend from college, that is the store to frequent. I was in there all of ten seconds when I ran into:

Kevin, an old friend of ours. My favorite Kevin story involves an ad Kenny placed in the trading post to sell his old truck. Kevin saw the ad, recognized our number, and prank called me. I answered the phone and he pretended to be a cranky old man, asking me question after question about the truck that I didn't know how to answer. He had me going for nearly 20 minutes.


Finally I asked if I could take his name and number and when he gave me his first and last name I think I screamed and hung up on him. And later retaliated by putting a Spice Girls sticker on his car. Hmph.

Two seconds after I started chatting with Kevin he looked over and said, "Hey, there's Brandon!" Brandon is Kenny's best friend and also the person who more or less introduced us. The three of us (and Brandon's daughter) had a nice jaw and then I bought my booze and came home. The end.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Three Things Learned the HARD way.

Damn hell ass kings, I got tagged by Eliza (and tagged some more by Palinode) and now I have to write an entry after going days and days of being slack. I don't have the flu anymore, so fine. FINE.

Tag, the first:

Three Things Learned the HARD way.

1. You really should get your timing belt replaced, rather than waiting for it to break. When it goes, it goes with a snappity-snap noise and you will thank your lucky stars that it happened in a parking lot and not two seconds later when you would have been speeding down the highway. You will not be so happy about the $500 repair a week before Christmas, especially as this is about how much you make per paycheck.

2. When you have a job interview for a job you're not certain about and they leave you waiting for half an hour, it's a sign to leave. Since you were dumb and waited around to be interviewed anyway, saying "I'll do anything!" is your obvious next mistake. NOT GOOD. They will take you up on it and the next thing you know you're pretending to be the small business helpline for the entire state of Maryland, even though you live in Virginia. Bad jobs are usually pretty obvious right up front, but not to me, apparently.

3. When the girl you suspect your boyfriend is sleeping with leans over you at his party to tell his roommate that she couldn't find any aspirin in their medicine cabinet that morning, it's really not necessary to first corner the roommate (who's high) and demand information, confront the boyfriend (who's also high) in front of his friends and demand an explanation, leave and then come back because you "forgot to hit him" and then hit him before stomping away. It's also pointless to then do drive-bys on your bicycle later that night because you ALREADY HAVE ALL THE INFORMATION YOU NEED, LOSER. God.

Tag, the second:

The rules:

1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.

I'm not doing #5 because that is sort of chain-letterish and also I'm lazy. I'm completely ignoring Palinode's dire warning about rules tinkering, understanding that this might send me into a hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold hell. I have already been there, Aidan. In high school I worked in a movie theater that showed nothing but Pretty Woman for four and a half months. I HAVE IMMUNITY. Anyway, mine is thus:

The nearest book to me is Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen:

The voices drop. There's a shuffling, and someone shushing someone. "What is it?" calls August.

Monday, February 11, 2008

I Really Never Learn.

If it's getting on mid-February and you've managed to not get any kind of sickness all winter, please, whatever you do, don't smugly say to your husband,

"Gosh, I haven't gotten sick AT ALL this winter! I've never felt better."

You know why? Because the very next day you'll get the flu. Totally. I said the above stupid sentence out loud on Thursday night. Friday I went to work feeling perfectly fine. Friday afternoon I sneezed...and it felt different. And I knew. FUCK. So I spent the weekend thinking I had a nasty cold and last night went to that year-round doctor place to make sure it wasn't the flu. They stuck Q-Tips way, way, way up in my head via my nose and yes, indeedy, I've got the flu. So much for the flu shot! I want my ten dollars back, man.

Luckily I just made the 48 hour mark for Tamiflu, so I'm taking that in hopes that I'll feel less like complete and utter crap in a few days. Makes for a really fantastic weekend, let me tell you. My nose is actually chapped, from so much tissue blowing action. The suckiest part is that I'd just started a new weight-lifting program that I'm all excited about and was doing great my first week in and now I have to start all over. I'm pretty bummed about that.

Anyway, wash your hands, Internet world. Wash your hands and keep washing them. And don't touch anything. Or anyone. le sigh.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Weekly Grocery Store List.

This is a new blog feature because how else can I fully explain the weirdness of the local time machine that is the grocery store? I grew up here and do my best ex-boyfriend/ex-friend dodging there. I had my first job bagging groceries at this store. I do a weekly shopping trip and every week I walk away with a Who I Saw list. Tonight, for example:

1. Assy Creep. This is the guy who a mutual friend tried to set me up with years and years ago. He wasn't interested and I wondered if perhaps he was gay. Au contraire? It wasn't dick he liked, it was skinny chicks, of which I was not one. Years later he ran into me during the Summer of Unemployment when I was at my thinnest and tannest. Assy Creep, who'd ignored me for years suddenly remembered my name and was falling over himself to tell me how great I looked. I resisted giving him the finger with my wedding-ring hand. Anyway, I saw him tonight in the baking aisle. He gave me a friendly hello, I gave him a thin grimace of a smile back.

2. Robert, who I used to work with. Robert is a career waiter who works at the art museum. He's a very nice guy and a very good waiter. He's a little strange, but always friendly. We exchanged a polite-but-genuine hellohowareyous.

3. That Guy. That guy is one of those guys who you've seen around for years but can't quite remember if you actually have met in the past or just recognize each other from around. We generally see each other in the produce department and say hello in passing. It gives my shopping trip a nice sense of continuity.

4. Some Lady. I was in the dairy department and reached for a carton of milk when I looked up and Some Lady smiled at me and said "Hiiii!" like she knew me. I had no idea who she was and gave her a brief smile back, letting my eyes slide past her as I scurried back to my cart. I spent the rest of my shopping trip trying to figure out if I knew her from somewhere. I don't think I do. God, I hope I don't, because I was kind of inadvertently rude. I just wanted some milk!

And that, my friends, was my weekly grocery store list