Friday, March 26, 2010

Not everybody knows your rules Larry!

Last night I had dinner out with friends and we began debating about Joss Whedon shows. (NERDS. I know.) I was all Team Buffy against a bunch of Team Firefly. Now, really. I ask you! I was all, I HAVE RULES ABOUT THESE THINGS. LIKE LARRY DAVID.

Now, if you don't watch Curb Your Enthusiasm and don't know what I'm talking about, first, you need to fix that shit and watch the show. Essentially, Larry lives by his own rules and runs into problems because the rest of the world doesn't know his rules. I feel for him because I have LOTS of rules and it's frustrating that nobody seems to follow them. Here are a few. Please try to keep up.

The Rules.

1. Don't snap gum, wear strong perfume, jangle your jewelry, click your pen, rip up paper, listen to your iPod loud enough for me to hear it, or whisper in an exaggerated manner. You are annoying me.

2. It's none of your business what number is on the bottom of my plastic water bottle.

3. If your shopping cart hits my heels accidentally, my hand might hit your face. Accidentally.

4. Don't bless me and I won't bless you. Deal?

5. If I'm reading, it doesn't mean I am lonely and have no one to talk to. It means I'd rather read than talk to you.

6. Hey you, slow walker? Can't you feel me steaming up your tail? Solution: WALK FASTER.

7. Crocs. No.

8. Adrien. With an E. Not Adrian. Not Adrienne. Not Adriene. Not Adriane. Not Adrianne. NOT.

9. If you do the Rocky thing you are dead to me. If you don't know what I'm talking about, that's great.

10. I don't really answer the phone, especially not my cellphone. You don't pay the bill, so I don't have to answer.

11. Just because I am athletic doesn't mean I run. I don't run. I don't run because I don't want to run. No amount of convincing will make me want to do anything but not run.

12. If I see you in the grocery store and pretend not to see you, it's not an accident. It's just that I don't want to see to you.

13. Yes: The Office, The Daily Show, Community, Glee, 30 Rock, Chuck, Lost, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Rescue Me, Mad Men, Dexter, Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

14: No: The Bachelor, American Idol, Two and a Half Men, Biggest Loser, Fox News, Anything with Guy Fieri, Jersey Shore.

14. Oh, you want me to smile? Why, is my serious face bringing you down, asshole?

15. If you are all germ-phobic I will probably think you are overreacting. Then I'll tell you about skin mites.

Have a great weekend!


  1. I'm happy to report that I know your rules and follow them religiously (except for the name thing.)

    Hard to say which blog I love better!

  2. Well, amen and hallelujah, sister. Sometimes I think it's just me who is annoyed by the gum crackers, pen clickers, and people who can't drive their shopping carts right. And I think I've already talked about the (RUDE) exaggerated whispering that goes on in my office. Germ-phobics? I have an office mate who puts a paper towel over her coffee between sips SO NO GERMS ACCIDENTALLY FALL IN. I agree with you on most all of these. Except "Buffy" (sorry, HATE) and Crocs -- they make good gardening shoes.

  3. Love. This. Post. Oh wait, you probably hate people who break up sentences with periods.

    Am now adding most of your rules (so agree with you about reading and not answering the phone -- and glad I'm not the only one) to my list of things that really piss me off, though calling them "The Rules" may be simpler.

    Though re #15, as someone with a kid, and whose spouse works in hospitals, I cannot speak highly enough of hand sanitizer. If it wouldn't completely dry my skin out and creep out my family, I'd bathe in the stuff.

  4. How'd you get ahold of my rules? Also, hand sanitizer only makes matters worse.

  5. Yup. Hand sanitizer just makes the germs stronger.