I know I promised vacation pictures and stories but you're just going to have to wait another day or too. I'm currently in my yearly state of post-Thanksgiving ennui. Or, "paralyzing holiday-induced state panic" if we're going to go all out and be completely honest. The panic, paired with the mental shutdown I always have on the Monday following a long holiday weekend, means I sat at my desk today in a near-comatose state, flinching when spoken to and praying to be left alone by, well, almost everyone.
Also, wishing we could just have a "no small talk" clause written into days like this. Like, right now my list of people I'd like to talk to is about at three. Three people. Are you one of them? WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW. (So yeah, probably not.)
But I ask, is it normal to spend the entire day feeling like I want to cry? And then thinking about Christmas and really, really wanting to cry? Because I like Christmas, I just wish I could hire someone to do it for me so I can just sit back and enjoy it instead of fearing it.
Because, really, I think maybe I'm broken. A good friend emailed me and asked if I wanted to get together and do something "festive" and a cold shiver went down my spine. Festive? WHAT DOES SHE MEAN. It was as if she'd asked me if I wanted to go to a Christmas store in July or something. Only it's not July anymore. Oh, no! This is totally a reasonable request because it's nearly December.
I weep.
Aw, hon. I think the key to enjoying Christmas is to only do the parts you like, and screw the rest. So, does festive mean eating cookies and drinking holiday booze? Yes please. Does it mean decorating sweaters (or, um, making wreaths out of coffee filters)? Then no (unless you are me and have issues). Either way, you're not broken. But I hope you feel better.
ReplyDeleteLast night I caught myself overwhelmingly happy that it is holiday time and winter.
ReplyDeleteIt surprised me because the past few Christmas seasons have been terribly difficult and depressing.
The winter has always been a time of reflection for me. I think its the combination of spending a lot of time indoors b/c its cold outside, and that we connect with so many friends and family members - the ultimate reminder of our foundation.
Sometimes being reminded of my roots makes me feel strong and ready to conquer the world. Other times, it makes me feel worthless, lost and alone.
Broken or not. You are not alone and it takes great courage to share feelings like these.
I believe your awareness of these feelings will someday result in greater connection to life and peace.
Stay strong & be kind to yourself.
I'm behind that "do what you want and ignore the rest" plan.
ReplyDeleteI bought a small tabletop tree two years ago, decorated it, and each year I put a bag over it and put it in the attic. Done.
Baking? Hahahahaha.
Having a bunch of friends over to drink beer and eat three-ingredient appetizers? Oh, hells yeah.
Works for me, but I have notoriously low standards.
Don't weep! Come on Saturday and drink beer and eat easy appetizers until you feel better. We won't call it "festive" until you're ready!
Thanks, y'all. I wish I could "ignore the rest" but it's sort of impossible to ignore buying gifts for twelve people, you know? I just get seriously overwhelmed when I think about it as a whole.
ReplyDeleteAnd Anonymous, I am the opposite when it comes to winter - it drags me down and makes me feel closed in. I just haven't adjusted to the season yet! But thank you for your thoughtfulness. I really appreciate it.
I survive the holidays. There seems to be way too little doing what I want to do and way too much doing what other people want me to do. That includes giving and receiving presents. Family fatigue is already setting in, and we're just getting started!
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