Brilliant and Efficient Eight Step Method for Opening a Bottle of Wine (a job for a minimum of 2 people):
1) Using a crappy corkscrew (this is KEY, if the corkscrew works properly this method will be totally ineffective), screw all the way through the cork and then pull.
2) The corkscrew will have pulled out completely, leaving a reamed-out cork still firmly in the bottle. This is exactly how you want it.
3) Finding that the wine won't do more than dribble out of the hole in the cork (dirty!), jam a pencil firmly in it, getting it stuck without actually budging the cork, also possibly tainting the wine with pencil lead--delicious!
4) Proceed to laughing your ass off to the point where you're gasping for air and bent over double. Trying to explain brilliance of pencil method will only be met with derision, don't even attempt it.
5) Remove the pencil with brute force.
6) Briefly flirt with the temptation to use a paring knife to carve out the cork, and then come to your senses and move on to the most obvious choice-- a wooden spoon. Take the handle end of the spoon and jam it into the cork so that the cork comes loose in the bottle but is also stuck on the spoon handle. Do not panic! If you try to pull the spoon out and the cork just becomes wedged in the neck again, you know you've done it right.
7) Gather these things: a small sieve, a coffee filter, a camera, half a roll of paper towels.
8) Take a picture while a friend simultaneously holds the spoon/cork free of the bottle neck and pours the wine into a coffee-filter lined sieve for the best possible cork and pencil lead-free wine.
1) Using a crappy corkscrew (this is KEY, if the corkscrew works properly this method will be totally ineffective), screw all the way through the cork and then pull.
2) The corkscrew will have pulled out completely, leaving a reamed-out cork still firmly in the bottle. This is exactly how you want it.
3) Finding that the wine won't do more than dribble out of the hole in the cork (dirty!), jam a pencil firmly in it, getting it stuck without actually budging the cork, also possibly tainting the wine with pencil lead--delicious!
4) Proceed to laughing your ass off to the point where you're gasping for air and bent over double. Trying to explain brilliance of pencil method will only be met with derision, don't even attempt it.
5) Remove the pencil with brute force.
6) Briefly flirt with the temptation to use a paring knife to carve out the cork, and then come to your senses and move on to the most obvious choice-- a wooden spoon. Take the handle end of the spoon and jam it into the cork so that the cork comes loose in the bottle but is also stuck on the spoon handle. Do not panic! If you try to pull the spoon out and the cork just becomes wedged in the neck again, you know you've done it right.
7) Gather these things: a small sieve, a coffee filter, a camera, half a roll of paper towels.
8) Take a picture while a friend simultaneously holds the spoon/cork free of the bottle neck and pours the wine into a coffee-filter lined sieve for the best possible cork and pencil lead-free wine.
Drink! (Really!)
HAHAH! Thats awesome and I will remember the techinque the next time I get a cork stuck.
ReplyDeleteSimply brilliant!
ReplyDelete