A Waffle Tragedy in One Act

This morning Kenny toasted some Kashi waffles to go along with our usual oatmeal. I decided to save mine for my mid-morning snack and baggied it up with the rest of my lunch fixings.

At 10am when I went to retrieve it from my lunch bag (which was in the incredibly disgusting tomb of a workplace fridge) it was NOT THERE. I continued to paw frantically through my bag, deeply distressed, and a woman who works across the hall laughed at me. Laughed at me! Now, why is that funny? I told her I didn't it was funny because I WAS HUNGRY NOM. Then I ate her. Not really, but I was unamused.

I emailed my husband and told him to go ahead and eat the left-behind waffle because otherwise we'd be wasting food and that is so pre-October 2008.

Here is the email exchange:


Me: I think I left my waffle at home, which makes me sad. Please eat it if you desire.

Kenny: Don't be sad. The cats already dragged it out back and ripped it apart. Then they decide they didn't like it.

Me: Aw, dang. That is tragical.

Kenny: Bad news is the cats dragged it out back and thrashed on it for a while before dropping it in the scummy pond out of boredom.

Me: Zero respect.

Kenny: I guess I can fish it out so it will be dry when you get home.

Me: That's okay. I think it's time to set it free.

Kenny: OK.

THE END

It's pretty out, what can I say?

Sorry to be all neglectful of the blog this week, but I've been busy making up for lost time on the bike. New ride entries are here and here if you care about such things.


In other news: WEEKEND APPROACHES. I have plans for the next six weekends in a row - something like three craft shows, one bridal shower, a yard sale, a bike race, a birthday lunch and a family lunch. BUSY. I hope that some of that activity makes me some money too because I am BROKE. So broke.

Here's how broke I am: I promised my husband that I would not shop for myself for the entire month of April. I'm ten days in and doing great so far. I actually went to Target last weekend and, hand to god, didn't buy a thing. Not a thing! I wasn't even sure that was possible.

I did buy a super-cute coat at the very end of March that will tide me over until May:


I'm not sure what's going on with my head/face area there, so please just concentrate on the coat. It's better for everyone that way.

Poor me. Literally.

So, how's this for a kick in the face? We bought a new heat pump/ac last year and it was really, really expensive but everyone told us we'd get a sweet tax credit for it. Oh, but guess what dipshit president declined to renew that tax credit when it expired at the end of 2007? That's right. It's back on now, so the only year you can't claim that credit is 2008. When we bought the heat pump. Bastards.

Speaking of poor, I forked over $500 yesterday so some guy could rooter out my tooth. The constant dull pain became a CONSTANT JABBING THROBBING pain by Sunday night. I could sleep, I couldn't eat, I could read. The over-the-counter drugs didn't stand a chance. Remember that scene in Cast Away where Tom Hanks chunks out his bad tooth with a rock? I have a new and deep understanding of that scene now. Please, could you hand me that rock?

I got a prescription on Monday for painkillers that helped, but not nearly enough. (Totally overrated when not being taken recreationally.) I went to see the endodontist on Tuesday and she very kindly poked* at my tooth, then watched in horror as I writhed around in the chair in answer to her, "does that hurt?" YES, WHY YES IT DOES. OMG. Strangely enough, the hot/cold sensitivity was nearly gone because my tooth's nerve was dying. Dang. She gave me some fancy prescription-grade Advil and told me I could take Advil with the Vicodin and, lo, it helped! I was still in constant pain, but it was manageable.

Yesterday morning I had my root canal, which I'd initially dreaded. It's amazing what a buttload of pain will do to adjust that attitude, isn't it? By Monday I was looking forward to it like a birthday party or something. Woo, bring on the scritchy drill! Root me out! Go go go! The actual procedure wasn't the most fun I've ever had, but it didn't hurt. It was sort of horrifying to imagine exactly what it was they were doing up in there and the smell! Oh my God, the smell. Opening up my tooth was like opening a tomb filled with half-rotting mummies. It was archaically bad. I mean, BAD. The other really bad part was one of the instruments that let off an incredibly high-pitched whine that only me and dogs can hear. I must have levitated because my endodontist checked to make sure I was okay. TOTALLY DEAF IN THAT EAR BUT I'M FINE, JUST FINE. CARRY ON.

Afterward I went home and had a milkshake (score!) and watched trashy television. It's amazing, but the pain is GONE. Completely gone. That is just the greatest thing ever. In a couple of weeks I have to go get a crown, so there's that to dread, but for now I'm pretty happy to be pain-free without resorting to using a rock. Go modern dentistry. Woo.

Oh, and I should mention that it's a bad thing to be all drugged up on April Fool's Day because I will apparently fall for anything. I think I bought some magic beans and paid into a Ponzi scheme. Oops?

* UPDATE: I thought she just poked at my tooth with a pokey tool, but I found out tonight from my friend Michael that she freaking SHOCKED MY TOOTH. God, no wonder I was rolling around moaning. WHAT. THE. HELL.

I know a girl who's like the sea.

This week has just been, wow. It's just been.

(Wait. I think I need to stop right here for a sec in case you started listening to This American Life this week because I said so, because damn this week's episode was depressing. Like, crazy depressing. They're not all like that! I swear! Jesus, Ira, what are you trying to do to me?)

It's been the kind of week that I can only laugh about because the other option has already been used up. To fill you in, have I bitched lately about this stupid filling I have? It's not just crazy sensitive to hot/cold/air/sugar, it's also prone to throbbing from time to time just for the hell of it. Recently, however that time to time has been almost all the time to time. Tylenol helps, but I can still feel it (right this second) gently jabbing away in the background.

I realized at the beginning of a spinning class earlier this week that it wasn't just the usual throbbing pain, it was now stabbing pain and it was getting worse. I took the class anyway because I'm a masochist and the pain faded temporarily, as it's wont to do. Then I woke up in the middle of the night in pain. On Thursday I finally broke down and went to the dentist because apparently what's missing in my life is more bad news. Just what I need!

He told me I needed a root canal and, oh yeah, a crown. I left the office numbly and didn't start crying until I was in the car. Partly because goddammit with the dental bullshit, partly because my tooth still really hurt and mostly because OMG THAT SOUNDS EXPENSIVE, RIGHT? I do have insurance, but it only covers a blithe 50%. I should also mention that I'm still paying off the stupid filling itself, as my insurance apparently doesn't cover composite fillings. So, I'm still paying for something that's about to be drilled out of existence. Mother Eff.

I went back to work and sort of crumbled into my chair. I was supposed to go to the gym after work and then to my meditation class after that, but all I wanted to do was go home and curl up on the couch and and cry and take a Percocet and maybe eat a fistful of cookies. So that's what I did. I got in my car and just kind of drove past the gym and decided I wasn't doing any of it. Not that night, anyway.

Then I spent the whole next day on a golf course, but that's it's own surreal story.

Maybe the universe is trying to tell you something.

This was my Sunday afternoon:

- tried to buy a tank of gas using my grocery store discount card -> the program software was down.

- cringed my way into Walmart to buy an item that is no longer carried at Target or CVS - > Walmart doesn't have it either.

- after returning something at Target I tried to buy a cup of decaf for Kenny from the in-store Starbucks -> they didn't have any brewed.

- went to the free-standing Starbucks across the parking lot to buy the decaf - > they didn't have any brewed (WTF) and seemed put out by my request.

- stopped by Food Dog to pick up wine and a small package of cookies -> they no longer carry the small packages of cookies.

- stopped by CVS for the goddamn cookies -> they no longer carry the small packages of cookies.

- went home to cry -> success!


Highlights of Overheard Conversations

At the gym:

weight lifting dude #1 to weight lifting dude #2 - "Yeah, she introduced me to the Facebook? You know, on the computer?"


In a store dressing room:

girl in the next room answers her cellphone-

"Hello?"

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"ARE YOU SERIOUS? I DON'T BEELEEEEEEEEEEEEVE IT."

"REALLY? THEY DON'T HAVE WATERMELON JELL-O? ARE YOU SERIOUS? WHAT ABOUT MELON FUSION?"

(short pause)

"NO??? I'M SO UPSET!! IT'S MY FAVORITE!"

She then called another friend to update them on the tragic Jell-O situation. I guess those shooters are going to have to be Lime Blast instead, kids.

Stuff that works and stuff that doesn't.

I know, I'm sorry. Last week was...bad. It was a bad week and I wanted to write about it but sometimes the writing just makes the bad that much badder. The short version is this:

I took my car in for a routine state inspection and oil change and $1,400 (and two days) later I got it back. That is a very hard conversation to have with a mechanic when you're at work, especially when you know co-workers are listening in. Last week was also the week in which I shoved food in my mouth with both hands with nary a breath or pause. It was also the week that girl scout cookies were delivered. These things are probably related.

This week has started out much more quietly and with a lot less sugar, and yet? The insomnia I thought was solved by daylight-saving-induced exhaustion is back. Yay! Hi, insomnia. You suck it. Here's what didn't work last night: decaf iced tea (sob), space heater white noise, Benedryl. When the dang Benny doesn't work you know you're INFORIT. I will be taking an advanced meditation course next week so I'm going to request that he help me out. Also! The instructor said we might to a past-life regression if we have time. I'm going to kick it's ass this time, sure enough.

So, update out of the way, I thought I'd share with you all a few things that have been working for me lately. These are not amazing new inventions, just bits and pieces that have brought me small joy, as I'm not allowed to buy anything ever again (see car repair above) so I've been trying to get by with the things I already own or are free. (This is NO FUN, but I'm trying.)

1. This American Life.
I love my little iPod so much and lately I've been subscribing to the free This American Life podcast. If you don't listen to this, start. It's so good and so interesting and you'll have tons of stories to annoy your husband with. I'll be all,

"Kenny! Kenny! There was this story? On this American Life? About this room? Where NY teachers are placed when they're on probation? And they stay there for months sometimes? And still get paid? It's crazy! You should listen!"

I think I do this to him at least once a week. If you don't have an iPod you can also listen to it free right from the website and revel with me in the dorky hot goodness that is Ira Glass.


2. Too Close to the Falls
I love a good memoir and Too Close to the Falls is REALLY good. Plus, the author has a blog where she talks about the sequel that she's writing. It's just such an interesting story about growing up as an unconventional kid near Niagara Falls in the 1950's. Her stories are great but the ending was a bit abrupt, so I was really glad to hear about the sequel. (Also, who lent this to me? I found it in my shelves and have no idea where it came from. Was it lent? Was is on my Amazon list? Did I get it for Christmas? I have no idea.)

3. No Line on the Horizon
I know some of the reviews about U2's new album are not great, but it is. Great, I mean. Aside from a few songs that are WAY TOO LONG (seriously, boys? 7 1/2 minutes? That is just showing off and I also think maybe you're underestimating most people's attention spans) it's solid and has a few tracks that are perfect for driving (my favorite kind of song.)


4. Life on Mars
I like anything named for my favorite Bowie song and I REALLY like this show even though it's already been canceled because ABC sucks. At least they get to finish out the season and give it an ending (unlike poor Pushing Daisies, which I'm still mad about. I hate you, ABC.) Watch Life on Mars if for no other reason than to enjoy my fine new crush, Jason O'Mara (who, as a bonus, is Irish!) *sigh*


Now, leave me a comment and tell me what you're enjoying lately that's free.

Snow Day.

There's an old saying around here: Don't like the weather in Richmond? Wait ten minutes.

Last Sunday was the ten minutes I'd been waiting on for the past four years. FOUR YEARS since we had any real snow in the city, five since I had an honest-to-God snow day. It was a textbook perfect set up: the snow started Sunday late afternoon and continued all night creating a most coveted snow-filled long weekend. A mid-week snow day is fine but a Monday snow day is perfection.

For those of you gagging and rolling your eyes please understand that winter here is generally a lot of 20-40 degree temperatures with some grey sky and cold rain thrown in. It's pretty monotonous and snow is such an anomaly that we get all worked up about it. We're also wildly unprepared which is why public schools were out for most of the week. It sort of irritates me when out-of-towners sneer about our lack of snow-driving skills because how do you practice something like that? I just abstain and sit on the couch stuffing my maw while watching TV. Later I might take a nap, but who knows? You don't have to get anything done on a snow day, there are no rules.

Eventually, we decided to walk around in the snow because you have to walk around in it to really experience it. We also felt the cats needed to experience it too, so we let them out and did not heed their immediate cries of omgwtfwetpawsbackinnowNOWNOW because, hey! They asked to go out! We were just helping to make their dreams come true. Proof:



Ha, don't they look pissed? Before you feel sorry for them, just remember that they sleep 22 hours a day. Here's what our yard looked like:


And our little house:



We went for a walk around the neighborhood and took some photos:


Yay, I finally got to wear my Hunter boots!


The sweet garage behind me belongs to our neighbor Woody:

The sun was in my eyes, which is why my face looks like that. (Note to self: zip up bulgy jacket pockets. Very unattractive.)

When we got back from our walk we found a bunch of kids playing in our yard. We've never seen them before but they were having a great time so we left them to it:


Those icicles have been known to kill people!


It's supposed to be 80 degrees this weekend. Bye snow!