Thursday, May 24, 2007

Happy! Sad. Happy! Sad.

How to Piss Me Off

Be the tacky woman who goes to my favorite restaurant, sits at the table next to me, and orders the truly delicious SHRIMP PIPÉRADE CRÊPE w/ tomato, fennel, onions, peppers & Sauce Américaine, and then! Asks for it to be topped with cheddar cheese. (Sad face! This is not Chili's, lady.) Then get totally, flailingly, bitchy with the waiter when your request fails to be fulfilled. Then, when the waiter does bring the stupid cheese, snap, "It's too late." Finally, when the waiter clears your empty plate and asks how your meal was, snarl, "It would've been better with the cheese." Biotch!

And see? This is what happens when you suck - I write about it on the Internet.

Other than that and some work fuckness that I dast not discuss publicly, I'm doing okay, I guess. The work stuff is really driving me insane but I CAN'T. I'll just say that my job and someone else's job are pretty much the same job and that other person is getting paid a lot more. It is continuously infuriating.

Wait! One more:

Be the shrill, defensive edge the President's voice gets when he's making any kind of public speech. How did we get such a redneck chucklehead as our Commander in Chief? Why am I still wondering about this after seven years?

How to Charm Me:

(Shit, you know what? I don't even know. I'm kind of in a bad mood, to be honest, and the list of things that have charmed me this week is pretty short. I'll try anyway.)

Be the weather. The weather has been illegally charming and beautiful. This is my favorite time of year: before the mosquitoes but after the cold. I've eaten lunch outside every day (which is not something I normally enjoy) because it's been just right. Not too hot, not cold, not windy, not bitey.

Be a Furminator. Now this is one product that truly is worth every penny. I could make a new cat out of all the fur I've brushed off our three (not that I'd do that because three ungrateful cats is a LOT of cats already.) This thing is really spectacular and I enjoy telling the cats to shape up or be Furminized. Zephyr likes it for a while and then gets over-stimulated and starts biting me. Fuzz gets really worked up and hissy but will continue to lay like a helpless slug while I comb her, which I think is hilarious. Stella is fine as long as the comb is being used in pre-approved sections of her fur and NOT IN OFF-LIMITS AREAS OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING LADY. She will let you know. She basically lets us know from the minute we walk in the house until we go to bed. She never stops talking and is pretty clear about what is acceptable touching and what is not. Barring understanding, she will cut a bitch. (How I got Kimora Lee Simmons in cat form I will never know.)

Be the LOST season finale because last night just ROOOOLED. I can't even talk about it because I'm not sure I even understand what what the hell happened but I sure did enjoy watching it. All kinds of ass-kickings happened last night and I got all kinds of fist-pumpingly worked up. Now if they'd just move it back to 9pm next fall I'd be extra happy because I'm old and can't stay up that late.

Okay, that's all.


  1. Dude. That Furminator sounds fantastic! I winced at the price, but Punkin is shedding like it's his job, and I can't take it anymore. I see a trip to the pet store in my future this weekend. Thanks for the tip! (From one crankypants to another) - LaurenCaptvfirefly

  2. Kimora Lee Simmons in cat form. asadfjll!

  3. Shouldn't that thing have a flobee attachment? Cause your gonna have one hell of a vacuum job after that. Maybe you could rig up a dirt devil to do the job.

  4. I am getting a Furminator asap. Look out, sheddy cats.
    Anne L.

  5. I want to brush cats with it! Can I come over and brush Stella Cat? And then steal your Furminator?

  6. P.S. I love me some LOST!!