Monday, May 14, 2007

Top marks for not trying.

Oh my baby jesus, the things I've seen this past week.

I'm not so much going to talk about the actual events of the week because it was really awful and sad. I will say, however, that if you can find a Vietnamese nail salon and the owner finds out you're in town for a funeral, you'll get free bejeweled flowers painted on your big toes. This decoration is 100% not me but cracks me up every time I look down. My toes are fancy, y'all!

Here's what I am going to talk about: air travel. I have some issues. Big surprise, I know! I've had issues in the past too, but this is more subtle stuff than "Delta totally fucked us" or "What constitutes an act of God, exactly?"

Airport bathrooms, by disgust level (1 being very bad - 10 being very luxurious)

Richmond International- 6
New York, JFK - 4
LAX - 6
Sacramento - 6
New York, LaGuardia - 0 is too generous, so -1
Atlanta- 5

I haven't seen a public bathroom as disgusting as those in LaGuardia airport for a long time. I think the JC Penney bathroom comes close, but damn. The whole place smelled like stale pee, the floor was both wet and filthy (which begs the question?), toilet seat was cover in pee (not necessarily LaGuardia's fault, but still), toilet paper was nonexistent, there was no hook on which to hang my carry-on bag. This is a big one for me because WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT? If I put my bag on the floor I might as well leave it there, you know? That floor was toxic. The terminal was also pretty filthy and sad looking. There was discarded garbage everywhere (why, people? Why is it so hard to clean up after yourselves?) and the seats were all saggy and split open.

New York JFK was a bit nicer, but the Delta terminal was really dank. It was cold and dark and boring but does have the added strange charm of many tiny birds who seem to have gotten trapped in the airport and survive by cutely hopping up to you and asking for a bit of whatever you're eating. I'm sure I looked like a complete rube feeding muffin to the birds, but it was funny and cheered me up.

LAX was, by comparison, clean and bright but still managed to be a complete and total disappointment. You would think that three hours in a Los Angeles airport would net you at least one celebrity siting but I am here to tell you that famous people do not fly Delta. At all. Not even d-list! Nothing. Weird folks wearing Crocs and Disney-themed clothing do, however, just in case you were looking for some.

Atlanta is Atlanta. It's neither here nor there, but does have the best people watching and one or two non-disgusting food options. I'm still bitter, though, that I flew from Sacramento to Atlanta and then had to take a plane to NEW YORK before being flown home. They plane flew right the hell over Richmond! I swear I saw my house, people. Why could they not just strap a parachute on me and let me go? Stupid ridiculous broke airline bullshit, that's why. Hmph.

More travel bitching to come:

- Shuttle drivers are crazy
- If you park in the economy lot, take the parking ticket with you
- Delta is just alright by me
- Onboard movies RULE
- Airplane food is so incredibly stupid
- Men take up too much space


  1. Dude airport bathrooms are the worst. I've been in one really nice one, I think it must of have been in Austin? It had automatic toliet seat covers and everything was automated. No need to touch the faucet handles, it automtically turns on! Soap automatic dispenses, towels shoot from the towel holder thing.

    It was awesome.

  2. If you ever want to reset your standards visit the bathroom at Penn Station in NYC, I don't know about the ladies, but the men's could have been an inspiration for one of Dante's circles in hell.

  3. Let me tell you, Noah, Penn Station's ladies' rooms are like the aftermath of the tampon incident in Carrie, but with poop.

    Adrien, please come back to New York and I'll show you the cleanest bathrooms I can find.

    Lauren & Henri