True Grits.

It was one of those incidents that you replay in your mind over and over again. How could it have been avoided? What could I have done differently? Why the hell does Rachael Ray have it in for me? Here's what happened:

I decided that for dinner Thursday night we needed good southern Shrimp and Grits. Comfort food! I found the perfect recipe but it required ONE HOUR at least in grits cooking time. I don't have that kind of time for a weeknight dinner and anyway, I only have instant grits in the cabinet. I checked the Food TV site and found a RR recipe that was Shrimp and "Grits". Oh, Rachael, why do you have to be like that? Why do you want me to use Polenta for the grits when all I have is GRITS? Fuck her, I substituted grits for the "grits" and got to cooking. That's when the bitch got her revenge. My grits were boiling madly and as I took the lid off to stir them a wad of molten hot grit insanity flew out of the pot and landed a millimeter from my eye. I was like that dude at the end of Indiana Jones when he looked at the Arc and his face melted off. You want to know what came out of the Lost Arc? GRITS. Those little fuckers fly and they stick and they burn your face off. I remember clutching my face and screaming like a girl. Hell, I'm lucky I didn't lose an eye! Do you know how embarassing it would be every time someone asked, "Hey, why are you wearing that eye patch" and you had to answer, "grits"? That would SUCK.

Anyway, I have a gross little blistery burn right under my right eye and it's all Rachael Ray's fault.

"It was the grits that done it."