Grand misuse of the word "Fair"

I think we need to stop using "fair" to describe events that don't include the following:

- Shetland ponies

- baby ducks on a slide

- janky carnival rides

- funnel cake

- pig races

- fried butter

Really. If these things are not in evidence, you do not get to call it a fair. I'm talking about your "Job Fair" or "Health Fair" or in my case, "Benefits Fair." It's open enrollment week and I'm stupid enough to want to make some changes to my health insurance, so I'm forced to go to the "fair" to get my stupid questions answered. Stupid.

The "fair" was held in the gym on one of the indoor basketball courts. Festive! To make it even nicer, they'd laid out some grey plastic to protect the wooden floors. The various representative tables we waaaaaay spaced out, I guess to keep the reps from coming together and plotting a rebellion? Anyway, it was pretty bleak. There was a healthy snack table set up right in the dead center of the court so if you wanted to scam a snack you had to do the long walk of shame into the middle of the mostly-empty space. Damn.

Of course there was no music and very few people and as you walked from table to table the reps would give you a dimly hopeful, but haunted look, only to be disappointed when you didn't want to discuss short-term disability or your 401k. It was terrible.

There was no deep-fried butter, but I did get some helpful information, some free hand sanitizer, a tiny pill box and a chair massage. That last thing almost made up for the lack of ponies, actually, because I jacked up my shoulder last night lifting weights and he kneaded the crap out of it. My only worry was that a stray basketball from the next court over was going to bounce over and thwack me in the head like a wack-a-mole game. Which might have made it a real fair, now that I think about it.