Friday, November 16, 2007

What you gonna do, when morons come for you?

I am so over this Blogger template but I can't seen to find another one that will work. Blogger people, any sources for non-sucky templates? I just want one that fits my pictures and doesn't hurt my eyeballs. If my template appears to change twelve times today, do not be alarmed. I'm just playing with my sad options.

Anyway, what's up, party people? I just had lunch with my dad and in the name of making up for lost time I ate the fattiest thing I could find on the menu. It had two kinds of meat, swiss cheese, fatty dressing AND guacamole. Booya, that was fun. Now I have to go back to eating like a normal reasonable person, as I think I gained back all the sick-weight I lost in one Single Sandwich Incident.

So, weekend plans. This weekend is pretty jam-packed with stuffs. Tonight I'm eating sushi take-out and watching Ocean's Thirteen with Kenny, which pretty much sounds like heaven to me. Mmmm....George Clooney Roll.

Saturday I'm having lunch with my youngest sister to celebrate her birthday that was...last month, but who's counting. Then I'm trotting off to see my second grade teacher perform in this:!.htm

She's very nervous and excited, it sounds like, so I'm happy to go watch. It should be something! She wasn't just a teacher (though she was certainly one of the best I ever had), she basically took me under her wing for a year when things were very hard - my mother was single and raising me and my sister while also working full time and going to grad school. My teacher desperately wanted kids (she has three grown boys now) and I was a good substitute. She and I have always stayed in touch and meet for dinner from time to time. Anyway, a cappella isn't totally my thing, but I'm proud of her.

On Sunday my sister and I are going on our bi-annual journey to IKEA, land of cheap stuff. I love shopping and I love cheap. Woo.

And that's the weekend. Next week doesn't even bear thinking about, what with the holiday madness and house cleaning frenzy that will occur.

Okay, so remember when I had my keys stolen a few months ago? Yeah, that sucked. What especially sucked was that the person who picked up my keys took with them my only good keyless remote for my car. I have another one but it's dicey and has a tendency to fall apart into bits, usually in crowded parking lots. It's currently being held together with electrical tape which is really classy, let me tell you.

Well, last week I finally found a reasonably priced replacement on eBay. YAY FOR EBAY. The seller promised programming instructions with the remote and emailed them as soon as I paid for it. I read them and immediately wilted into a pile of sadness because OH MY GOD, ITS TOTAL BULLSHIT. I'm not saying the seller is making it up, but really? I mean, really? Here, see for yourself:

Programming Instructions

1.) Start with key out of the ignition, driver door is open (all others closed), and driver door is unlocked.

2) Insert key into the ignition (don't turn it) and pull it out

3)Perform these steps within 40 seconds:

a. Using the power lock switch on the driver’s door, perform 5 lock/unlock cycles with lock. Use an even pace and try to go about one cycle per second. 1 cycle = 1 lock and 1 unlock)
b. Close, then open driver’s door.

4) Perform these steps within 40 seconds:

a. Using the power lock switch on the driver’s door, perform 5 lock/unlock cycles starting with lock. Use an even pace and try to go about one cycle per second.
(1 cycle = 1 lock and 1 unlock)
b. Insert the key in the ignition cylinder.
c. Turn the ignition to ON (as far as you can without cranking the engine) then back to OFF.
d. Turn the ignition to ON (as far as you can without cranking the engine) then back to OFF.
e. Remove the key from the ignition.

5) Within 3 seconds, the power door locks should cycle automatically indicating successful entry into programming mode. Return to step 1 if the locks do not cycle at this point.

6) Perform these steps within 40 seconds:

a. Press the lock and unlock buttons on the transmitter simultaneously for 1 second.
b. Immediately after letting go of the lock and unlock buttons, hit the lock button by itself and hold for 2 seconds. Within 3 seconds, the door locks should cycle once indicating successful programming. If the door locks don't cycle, or cycle twice, repeat steps a and b-your remote has not been accepted.

7) Close driver door.

8) Weep angry tears while banging head on driver door at about one cycle per second.

SWEET JEBUS. This is the clown car of all instructions! It's a cosmic joke and I'm convinced that when I perform these rituals someone is going to be hiding in the shrubs taping it for YouTube. Which is fine, as long as I get residuals.


  1. I seriously could not read that. Sounds like a good task for Kenny. And what's in a George Clooney roll because I want SEVENTEEN.

  2. I was just going to say - before I reached the end - that you must take video of you attempting that.

    (Found you via NaBloPoMo, btw. Hi!)

  3. So you seriously went back to meat? How come? Just curious.

  4. I told you I did! Why would I make that up?

  5. Well, I thought you meant that one time. I didn't realize you meant for good. That's all. Why you gotta be so yelling at me? Dayy-yum.

  6. All those instructions looked like this to me:


    Enjoy eating flesh--happy weekend.

  7. Wow. That really is making up for something. Of course, with my delicate constitution that sandwich would put me right where you were for the last few days.

    Not only must you take video of the farse of the remote reprogram, but the skull pens must help (well, not help really, but pester and heckle).

    Good luck!

  8. About the blogger site... there's another blog I read that's on maybe it's better, I have no idea, but check it out.